865 Script-v3-b

comedy4cast #865

"A Condensed-Space Odyssey"

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON

KALAMITY/ZEUS

BANDO/ANTINOUS

DANNY/TELEMACHUS

GILES/POSEIDON

BUZZ/ODYSSEUS

LENNY/KING "ALI"..................CLINTON ALVORD

CINDY/ATHENA

ABBY/CALYPSO......................BONNIE KENDERDINE

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID STING MUSIC CONTINUES AS REPEATING SHIMMER.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

Oh, Hi! You're here. Welcome to the show. I'm Clinton and this is comedy4cast, episode 865, "A Condensed-Space Odyssey"!

But, before that, a quick reminder you can support this spunky little show giving us a great review wherever you get your podcasts, or simply by sending this episode to a friend. And thank you!

Now, let's have some fun.

MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME UP AND OUT.

SCENE 1: LOCATION - TIME OF DAY

CLINTON

Hello, Clinton here again.

Inspired by the Christopher Nolan film, I've has partnered with the Middling Fair Footlights Theatrical Troupe and Yacht Rock Revival Society to present my own retelling of the sweeping tale of Homer's "The Odyssey".

After yesterday's dress rehearsal, I thought the story needed to be condensed a bit more, so I cut a few lines of dialogue here and there. I'm sure the rest of the cast won't mind.

So, without further ado. Or just a bit of ado, let's begin.

MUSIC: SOME FAIRLY APPROPRIATE INSTRUMENTS BUT NOT AN ANCIENT TUNE.

CLINTON (cont'd)

First, some backstory. This whole thing started in the previous story, The Iliad. That one's all about a beauty contest gone horribly wrong that leads to a 10-year war between the Achaeans -- a group of kingdoms from what is now Greece -- and the forces of the Trojan coalition, at the walled city of Troy.

Let's skip ahead. After the Beauty Contest War is over (spoiler, Troy loses), the victors set sail for their various kingdoms across the sea. Meanwhile, on Mount Olympus, Athena, the goddess of wisdom, was teaming up with Poseidon, the god of the sea, to ask Zeus, the king of the gods, to mess with ONE of the those war heroes, Odysseus. But, Zeus was all...

KALAMITY/ZEUS

Hold on a second. Isn't Odysseus your favorite, soldier?

CINDY/ATHENA

Like, yeah, but now I'm, like, ticked off at him.

CLINTON

Guessing this would all blow over, Zeus only agreed to strand Odysseus on an island. After 3 years of torment at sea -- much more about that later -- Odysseus washed up on that island and he was met by a beautiful nymph named Calypso, who turned into a total Odysseus stan. But Odysseus was pining for his wife, Penelope, and his son, Telemachus, who was just a young child when Odysseus left to fight in the Beauty Contest War.

All right, on to The Odyssey.

MUSIC: SHORT TRANSITION.

CLINTON (cont'd)

It's 7 years later. Athena has finally mellowed out. She goes back to Zeus and is all...

CINDY/ATHENA

Like, hey, can you just forget what I said before and let Odysseus go home?

CLINTON

Zeus rolls his eyes and says...

KALAMITY/ZEUS

Fine. Hermes, my messenger of the gods, go tell Calypso to let Odysseus leave.

CLINTON

Love-struck Calypso does comply, but isn't thrilled.

ABBY/CALYPSO

I see. So the male gods can do whatever THEY want. But Mount Olympus forbid that a FEMALE NYMPH should get some action.

CLINTON

And with that, Odysseus is on a raft, setting sail for his home on Ithaca. Ithaca in the Mediterranean, that is, not Ithaca, New York. That comes along much, much later.

Let's dog ear all of that for now because Athena, disguised as a traveler is visiting Odysseus's palace on Ithaca. And all is not well. Odysseus is presumed dead. His son, Prince Telemachus, should be king. But, without Odysseus there to help guide the lad, Telemachus isn't really "all that and a bag of pita chips". If you know what I mean. So, suitors from all over have come to the palace to vie for the hand of Odysseus wife, Penelope. One of these suitors, Antinous, is the worst. Antinous, even his name sounds like an sinus infection.

Anyway, Penelope tries to steer clear of these losers, who've made themselves feel right at home, eating all the food, drinking all the wine and constantly leaving the seat up. Penelope says she can't pick a husband yet, she has to spend all her time weaving a burial shroud for Odysseus’s aging father, Laertes. Which can't be great news for Laertes, either. The suitors know they'll look like jerks, okay MORE like jerks, if they don't let Penelope finish. Antinous says...

BANDO/ANTINOUS

Fine. But once you're done, Antinous says you have to choose Antinous...Uh, that is ONE of us.

CLINTON

Athena, still in disguise tells Telemachus to maybe man up and kick the parasites out. And she drops a few hints that his dad, Odysseus, is still alive.

Telemachus confronts the suitors -- and it's a disaster. Not only do they laugh at him, that jerk Antinous reveals that the suitors now know that Penelope has been tricking them. That shroud she spends every day weaving? Every night she's been ripping out most of that day's work. Clever girl!

BANDO/ANTINOUS

But now Antinous says the jig is up! And once that shroud is done, Penelope has to choose Antinous! Uh... Once again, Antinous means ONE of us.

CLINTON

Telemachus can't fix this alone. He decides to set sail for the mainland to see if that mysterious stranger was right.

DANNY/TELMACHUS

Maybe my dad IS still alive!

CLINTON

He arrives on the shores of Pylos, where King Nestor and his people warmly welcome him. The young prince is shocked by the orderly, respectful vibe, which is a million miles away from the dumpster fire at home.

Nestor gushes big time about Telemachus's dad, Odysseus. They fought together in the Beauty Contest War. Sadly, Nestor doesn't know what happened to Odysseus. He tells Telemachus to visit another war hero, King Menelaus of Sparta, who may know more.

Let's jump back to see what's happening with Odysseus, Telemachus's very-much-alive dad.

Remember back when Athena first asked Zeus to mess with Odysseus? And that Poseidon was on board with it? Well, Poseidon doesn't know Athena changed her mind. And now he sees Odysseus is sailing on his waters and says...

GILES/POSEIDON

Oh, hell no!

CLINTON

He sends a huge storm to wreck the raft. However, a sea goddess, Ino, helps Odysseus make it to the shore of an island. Exhausted, Odysseus crawls off the beach and falls asleep.

If this were a sitcom, or "Lost", he'd probably be back on Calypso's island. But nope, it's Scheria, home of the Phaeacians. Princess Nausicaa finds Odysseus on the beach, looking like an oven-baked David Letterman. She gives him some of the conveniently nearby clean laundry to wear and invites him to follow her back to the city.

The Phaeacian capital is a place of wealth and wonder, but Princess Nausicaa had instructed Odysseus to keep a respectable distance behind her as they walk through the city because the gossip vine is fully in bloom all year long.

Anyway, Princess Nausicaa's parents are the very kind and welcoming King Alcinous and Queen Arete. Let's just call them King Ali and Queen Airy. They feed Odysseus a hearty meal. Everyone is impressed with this stranger. So much so that King Ali would love to have him as a son-in-law.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Meanwhile, Odysseus's son, Telemachus arrives in Sparta and is greeted by King Menelaus and Queen Helen. Yup, the same Helen that the whole Beauty Contest War was waged over. Menelaus and Helen instantly recognizes Telemachus due to his resemblance to his father.

DANNY/TELMACHUS

Hi! Prince Telemachus here!

CLINTON

Except, maybe the voice.

Everyone is happy! Until they're sad with grief. So Helen slips a little sumpin' sumpin' into the wine to help them chill. Then Menalaus and Helen recount brave acts of Odysseus during the war, including his clever use of a huge wooden horse to sneak warriors inside the gates of Troy, thus inspiring computer hackers yet to be born.

Menelaus asks Telemachus why he's come to Sparta. And the youth describes the sh*t show back home in Ithaca and explains that he wants to know if his father, Odysseus, is still alive.

Menalaus then launches into a long story about his own journey home from Troy, eventually forcing a shape-shifting god to tell him the truth about many things, including the fate of Odysseus, who, he learns, is trapped on Calypso island.

DANNY

Geeze! You could have led with that!

CLINTON

Now, you'd assume Telemachus would instantly head for that island to rescue his dad. But let's put that on pause and zip back to where Odysseus ACTUALLY is at this point, the Phaeacian capital. Where he has yet to reveal much about himself.

At dinner the royal bard begins to sing the tale of the Beauty Contest War. That's when Odysseus straight up loses it, and cries out...

BUZZ/ODYSSEUS

Stop the presses! I mean, stop the music! You've got it all wrong. I should know, because I was there! I am Odysseus! And this is the rest of the story.

CLINTON

And thus begins the extended flashback sequence, that encompasses the 10 years beginning with Odysseus's departure from Troy. See? I said we'd get back to that.

It all started right after leaving Troy, Odysseus's fleet of 12 ships raided ANOTHER city. But, instead of leaving right away, the crew decided to get drunk and sleep on the beach. Hard to believe, but the townsfolk found them. And, well, you can instantly scratch off several members of the crew.

Then, a massive storm blew the ships off course and the fleet landed in some kind of hippie colony where everyone eats lotus flowers. Some crew members took a nibble and instantly forgot all about home. They wanted to stay, but Odysseus and the rest of the crew dragged them back onto the ship for an intervention.

And the hits kept coming. They landed on the island of the Cyclopses. Odysseus took 12 men ashore with him to explore. Yadda, yadda, yadda, they get trapped in the Cyclops's cave. Yadda, yadda, yadda, the Cyclops eats some of the crew. Yadda, yadda, yadda, Odysseus tricks the Cyclops and blinds him.

They get away. BUT as bad luck would have it, the Cyclops's dad? He's Poseidon. Oopsy!

No time to dwell on that, because the next stop is the floating island home of Aeolus, king of the winds. Aeolus gives Odysseus a sealed pouch that literally contains the stormy winds of the world. Don't look at me. If you have a problem with this, talk to Homer.

With the stormy winds in the pouch, that only left a gentle West wind that would take the fleet straight home. And it ALMOST worked. But, close to Ithaca, Odysseus fell asleep and crew members, who thought the bag was full of treasure, opened it and whooosh! Back out to sea!

By the way, speaking of a bag of wind, I'll remind you that everyone is still sitting around the dinner table listening to Odysseus tell these stories.

Next the fleet sailed into a harbor surrounded by tall cliffs. And, at the top of these cliffs? Giants. Cannibal giants. The worst kind of giants! The giants hurled boulders down from the cliffs and smashed 11 of the 12 ships to bits. Only Odysseus's ship managed to get away.

And that one ship eventually landed on the island of the witch-goddess Circe.

You know, this story has more islands than "One Piece"!

Oh! And did I mention that Circe turned the ship's scouting party into pigs? Well, she did. And on his way to rescue his crew, Odysseus just happens to run into Hermes, who gives Odysseus something to help him resist Circe's magic. Odysseus was able to "persuade" Circe to turn his crew back into crew. Which made Circe was sad, because she did have her heart set on bacon.

When it came time to leave the island, Odysseus asked Circe for advice on how to get home. Circe told Odysseus to go to hell! All right, what she actually said was he had to journey to the Underworld to consult the blind prophet Tiresias.

Tiresias gave Odysseus a kind of nautical road map to get home. Remember, this was pre-GPS. And he warned Odysseus about some sacred cows. Foreshadowing. Oh, and while he was in the Underworld, Odysseus spoke with his dead mother, who spills the tea about the deadbeats hanging around his house. And he chatted with dead warriors from the Beauty Contest War. Then it was back to the ship. His ship. His ONLY ship. And they set sail for home.

You know, by now, I'm guessing everyone at dinner is getting a little fidgety. Odysseus had been talking for a very long time. King Ali is probably all...

LENNY/ALI

Wow! Basically, you've been through a lot. Maybe we should continue this...

BUZZ

I'm far from done. Hold my goblet of wine and listen to this!

CLINTON

Continuing on, Odysseus's ship had to pass by the half-bird, half-woman Sirens. These creatures used their beautiful voices to lure sailors close, and then delighting in watching the ships smash onto the rocks. Odysseus had been tipped off about this, so he plugs his crews' ears with beeswax. But he wanted to hear the song for himself. Of course he did. So he was tied to the mast as the ship by the Sirens. I think he described the song as new wave synth pop with a country hook and hip hop style, backed by a clean 808 trap beat.

Then the ship had to go through a straight and narrow narrow straight. On one side was a massive whirlpool, like someone was flushing the Mediterranean Ocean down the loo. On the other side -- a six-headed monster. Odysseus decided to pass closer to the monster. Sure, he lost 6 crewmen, but he figured they were getting used to it by now.

After another long stretch at sea, the ship was passing the island of Thrinacia which was home to the sun god Helios's sacred cattle. Odysseus wanted to sail past, but the crew got really cranky.

BUZZ/ODYSSEUS

Fine! But remember that press briefing. Do not touch those cows.

CLINTON

When bad weather traped them on the island for a month. those cows began to look mighty tasty. And, like before, while Odysseus was napping, the crew did their own thing. Odysseus awoke to find the men making Holy Cow burgers.

Racing on board ship and rowing away, everyone thought they were safe. Until a thunderbolt shot down and smashed the ship to pieces. Only Odysseus survived and eventually washes up on the shore of Calypso's island.

The entire dining hall is silent. As Odysseus finishes his tale by saying...

BUZZ/ODYSSEUS

That's the way it was. You're all caught up.

CLINTON

After a sigh of relief, King Ali says that Odysseus has, indeed, been through a great deal and promises to give him safe passage home, via one of their ultra-fast ships. As long as he promised not to tell any more stories. Odysseus falls asleep while on board -- something he really should stop doing. When the ship reaches Ithaca, the crew carries Odysseus ashore and then sets sail for home.

Of course, Poseidon isn't thrilled when he hears about this trip. So, when the Phaeacian ship reached its home harbor, the sea god turns the ship to stone, sinking it in full view of the city.

GILES/POSEIDON

Yeah. And tell your friends.

CLINTON

Waking up on shore, Odysseus is visited by Athena, who warns the warrior that he can't just waltz into the palace. The 108 suitors will surely kill him.

CINDY/ATHENA

Like, besides the place looks like a cyclone hit it.

CLINTON

She transforms Odysseus into an old man. Well, an OLDER man, and tells him to go find his loyal swineherd, Eumaeus.

And sure, "swineherd" sounds like an really nasty dis, but this dude actually herded Odysseus's swine.

Okay, so Odysseus is back on Ithaca. What's happening with his son, Telemachus? Well, the suitors have learned that the prince left the island and they've set up an ambush in the sea channel leading home. Luckily, Athena, the goddess of plot contrivance, shows up and talks to Telemachus, saying...

CINDY/ATHENA

Like, the suitors are gonna, like, force your mother, Penelope, to marry Antinous...uh, I mean, one of them.

CLINTON

She tells Telemachus about a safer, yet more dangerous route to use to sail home. And she insists that once he lands, he should beat cheeks for the hut of that old swineherd, Eumaeus. Again, not an insult.

Telemachus makes it home and rushes to the swineherd's hut. Odysseus is there, but still in disguise.

When Telemachus isn't looking, Athena changes Odysseus back to his normal age and, for an added touch of drama, clothes him in his royal tunic.

Telemachus has seen enough strange things by now to say...

DANNY/TELMACHUS

Yeah. I've seen enough strange things by now to know when I'm being punked.

CLINTON

Eventually Odysseus convinces his son it isn't a trick and the two rejoice in their reunion!

DANNY/TELMACHUS

Huzzah!

BUZZ/ODYSSEUS

Huzzah?

CLINTON

Odysseus tells Telemachus to keep his return a secret, even from Penelope.

The swineherd, Eumaeus, accompanies a re-disguised Odysseus to the palace. Just before entering, Odysseus sees his faithful dog Argos, now old and discarded. Argos recognizes Odysseus through his disguise and wags his tail for joy...and then dies.

Yup, this is the O-G case of someone being pushed beyond the brink because "they killed his dog."

Once inside the palace, to keep up his disguise, Odysseus begs for scraps from the suitors. That king of the jerks, Antinous, throws a footstool at Odysseus's back. Even the other suitors are like "Dude!"

After the suitors go home for the night, Odysseus and Telemachus lock away all the armor and weapons that were in the great hall.

When Penelope asks the mysterious beggar if he has heard any news of her husband, Odysseus, the King launches into an improv backstory meant to keep his wife in the dark. But, a short while later, the royal nurse recognizes a scar on Odysseus's leg and he has to be all...

BUZZ/ODYSSEUS

Ixnay on the ingKay.

CLINTON

Fast forward a bit to the morning of the festival of Apollo. Penelope makes an appearance in the Great Hall, carrying Odysseus's bow. The weapon is so stiff that only the King has ever been able to string it. She announces that whoever manages to string the bow and shoot an arrow cleanly through a line of 12 iron rings will win her hand in marriage, kind of like a "The Bachelorette' challenge.

But the suitors can't bend the bow. Not even close. Although Prince Telemachus almost manages to do it. The still-disguised Odysseus shakes his head, signaling...

BUZZ/ODYSSEUS

Not part of the plan. Son. Also, that's your mom! Remind me to tell you about Oedipus some day.

CLINTON

On instruction from Odysseus, the loyal swineherd, Eumaeus, and a helper lock all the doors of the Great Hall -- from the OUTSIDE. I think you've guessed what's coming next.

Back inside, Odysseus asks for a chance to string the bow. The suitors jeer, but Telemachus says...

DANNY/TELMACHUS

Hey, now! EVERYBODY gets a chance at my mom. Wait. What am I saying?

CLINTON

Odysseus strings the bow with ease, notches an arrow and shots it straight through all 12 rings. Then he sheds his disguise and, before anyone can say "plot twist", he draws back another arrow and does away with that jerkiest of jerks, Antinous.

What follows is, pretty much the Red Wedding scene from "Game of Thrones" on steroids.

A servant gives Penelope the news that Odysseus has returned and vanquished the suitors. But the Queen thinks it's a trick. She decides to test the man who calls himself Odysseus. She tells the servant to move the King's heavy bridal bed out of the bedchamber and dress it with linens.

Odysseus is furious. Not only are fresh linens expensive, HE was the one who built the bed. It was part of a massive living tree rooted deep in the foundation of the palace. The palace was literally constructed around the tree and the bed is impossible to move.

Penelope realizes that the man before her is, indeed, her husband, Odysseus. And there is much rejoicing.

Oh, and Odysseus travels to the countryside to find his grieving, elderly father, Laertes. And they have to battle the families of the dead suitors. And then Athena, the goddess of butinskis, pops in to say...

CINDY/ATHENA

Like, knock it off! Zeus is shutting this whole thing down. Go home. Like, show's over.

CLINTON

The end.

ABBY

(sarcastically)

Well THAT was certainly worth my time.

BANDO

Antinous says Antinous will be back in the sequel!

CINDY

Like, I thought a goddess would have more to say.

DANNY

Hey, he cut my big musical number.

LENNY

Basically, I'm not sure that rocked.

ABBY

Oh, let's give pity line to the old lady.

CINDY

Like, why didn't he just do the whole thing by himself?

BUZZ

The editing of my lines has lost you front-page coverage.

DANNY

I'm not sure I loved it.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That about wraps it up. But first, a very special shout-out to the folks who help power comedy4cast -- my Patreon patrons, including Producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast, Kirby Bartlett-Sloan, Chuck Tomasi from the Technorama podcast, Kyle Nishioka, Brian Martsolf, Amy Murphy, and Steve Ng from steve ng 5 dot com, that's s-t-e-v-e-n-g the number five dot com. You, too, can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com. Or click on the link on the comedy4cast.com home page.

In this episode, the parts of Calypso/Abby Falmacher and Athena/Cindy were played by Bonnie Kenderdine.

Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

=== THE END ===