863-sketchv2

comedy4cast 863

HaartteStoppers: Go West, Young Corpse

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON

DETECTIVE HAARTTE

BUDDY

NILES

SYLVESTER VAAN DATTEN (kate hepburn-ish, jimmy stewart?)

SHERIFF STERLING BAANTTERGRIN...CLINTON ALVORD

KATE PAASTTERSLACKNY

DR. VESPER SMAATT...............BONNIE KENDERDINE

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

CLINTON

comedy4cast is the official podcast of coat racks, precious gemstones, and wallpaper.

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID STING MUSIC CONTINUES AS REPEATING SHIMMER.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

Oh, Hi! You're here. Welcome to the show. I'm Clinton and this is comedy4cast, episode 863 -- another installment of the instructional series: "HaartteStoppers".

You're about to match wits with Detective Haartte. But first, a reminder that you can show you support for comedy4cast by giving it a great review or a bunch of stars wherever you find your podcasts. Or by simply sharing this episode. And thank you!

Now, let's have some fun.

MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME UP AND OUT.

SCENE 1: HAARTTE'S OFFICE

MUSIC: "HAARTTE'S THEME" IN AND UNDER FOR...

HAARTTE

The name's Haartte. Detective Haartte. Two A's, two T's. Spell it right. Say it right.

Oh. It's you. Back for another lesson in the fine art of snooping around in dumpsters, I see? Well, did you do finish your homework assignment? Or is Amelia Earhart still missing?

But there's no time for that now. We have to get on today's HaartteStopper -- another case from the files of me, Detective Haartte. It's a little case I like to call "Go West, Young Corpse." Be sure to take notes. There WILL be a quiz.

SCENE 2: ROUTE 66 - AFTERNOON

MUSIC: "HAARTTESTOPPERS" MUSIC IN AND UNDER FOR...

SFX: CAR DRIVING ON THE HIGHWAY. THE ENGINE DOES NOT SOUND ALL THAT GOOD.

HAARTTE (VO)

It was a hot afternoon in the desert. It was the kind of heat that makes you see things that can't possibly be there. Like a jackalope or a banner for a bagpipe-lovers convention. I was driving somewhere along Route 66. Not by choice. The 1952 road map I picked at a yard sale in 2024 was already out of date.

Why didn't I just use my GPS? Because I don't believe in all those trendy high tech gizmos. A good detective relies on their own skills.

HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)

Unfortunately, a good detective also relies on expense accounts from paying clients. And, right then, I didn't have either. That's why I'd rented my car from Crazy Pete's. Sure, it was a great rate, but I was beginning to question their slogan...

SFX: CAR STARTS SPUTTERING AND BUCKING.

HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)

"We put a flare gun in every glove box".

I had to find a service station pronto. That's when I saw a sign pointing to a side road. It said "Current Population 137".

SFX: TURN SIGNAL.

HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)

I could see a few building in the distance. But, just then...

SFX: CAR SPUTTERS AND GASPS, THEN DIES.

HAARTTE

Now where's that flare gun?

SFX: FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL.

BUDDY

Howdy, mister. Car trouble?

HAARTTE

No thanks. I already have all I need.

BUDDY

No. I mean, are you having car trouble?

HAARTTE (VO)

Where had this guy come from? The only thing I saw nearby was a auto repair shop named Buddy's.

BUDDY

Oh. And where are my manners? My name is Buddy.

HAARTTE (VO)

I began to wonder if there was a connection.

BUDDY

I'd be happy to check it out for ya.

HAARTTE

Thanks. Maybe you can push it over to that garage and talk to the owner?

BUDDY

(confused, but he's going to let it go)

Uh. Sure. But I won't be able to get to it until the morning though. But there's a hotel right down the street. See? The Dusty Road.

HAARTTE

Of course I see the road's dusty. This is a dessert.

BUDDY

No, no, no. That's the name of the hotel. The Dusty Road.

HAARTTE

Right.

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC.

SCENE 3: EXT. HOTEL - LATE AFTERNOON

SFX: FOOTSTEPS ON PAVEMENT.

HAARTTE

A few minutes later I stepped off the dusty road...

SFX: DOOR SWINGS OPEN.

SCENE 3: INT. HOTEL - (CONTINUOUS)

HAARTTE (VO)

And into the The Dusty Road.

SFX: DOOR SHUTS.

HAARTTE

This place had seen better days. Probably better nights, too. But, as a detective, you get used to staying in dives like this. The front desk was directly across the small, shabby lobby.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS ON WOODEN PLANKS.

HAARTTE

The space had a few well-worn upholstered chairs. A woman was sitting in one of those chairs. And, wow, I have to admit, she was a real looker. She was looking at a book, looking out the window, looking at her watch and, for some reason, looking at me.

KATE

You do know you're talking out loud, right?

SFX: FOOTSTEPS STOP.

HAARTTE

Of course I do. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm headed over to the front desk.

I walked over...

SFX: FOOTSTEPS RESUME.

KATE

I can still hear your.

HAARTTE

Bottle caps!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS STOP.

HAARTTE (VO)

Am I back into voiceover? Let me check.

(yelling)

Hey! Can you hear me?

(pause)

Okay.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS RESUME.

HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)

I walked over to the front desk and rang the bell.

SFX: FRONT DESK BELL RINGS.

NILES speaks exactly like GILES, the front desk clerk at the Venus Arms Hotel and Towers, but with an Old West accent.

NILES

Why'd you go and do that, mister? I'm right here.

HAARTTE

Who the heck are you?

NILES

The name's Niles, I'm the front desk clerk here at the Dusty Road.

HAARTTE

You remind me of someone. But I can't quite place it.

NILES

Well, afore you go and burn out all them brain cells, is there I can do for ya?

HAARTTE

Yeah. I'd like a room.

NILES

Well alright. Do you have a reservation?

HAARTTE

About staying here? Who wouldn't? But I don't have much of a choice. I'm stuck in this one horse town for the night.

SFX: HORSE NEIGHS IN THE BACKGROUND.

HAARTTE (cont'd)

By the way, what town is this? The sign on the road just said "Current Population 137."

NILES

Yup. That's right.

HAARTTE

What's right?

NILES

The sign.

HAARTTE (VO)

I was beginning to think this guy wasn't the fastest buckboard in the wagon train.

NILES

Look, mister, the name of the TOWN is Currant. This here used to be the number one producer of currants in the world.

HAARTTE

Those dried up berries?

NILES

Yup.

HAARTTE

What happened?

NILES

Lemme answer that by askin' ya -- when's the last time YOU bought a bag of currants?

HAARTTE

I see your point.

NILES

Great. Now, if you'll just get to signin' the register here, Mr...?

HAARTTE

The name's Haartte. Detective Haartte. Two "A's", two "T's". Spell it right. Say it right.

NILES

I kinda think the way the register works is YOU'RE the one who's gotta spell it right.

SFX: REGISTER BOOK SPINS.

NILES (cont'd)

Just sign here.

SFX: PEN SIGNING REGISTER.

NILES (cont'd)

Alright.

SFX: REGISTER BOOK SPINS.

NILES (cont'd)

And I'll add in the time. It's...3:58 PM.

SFX: PEN WRITING IN REGISTER.

HAARTTE

Can I have my key now?

NILES

Yup. Here you go.

SFX: JANGLE OF KEYS.

NILES (cont'd)

It's room 201. Up the stairs to your left. Oh, and I mighta forgot to mention that check in time is 4PM. Since you registered at 3:58, I'm gonna need to charge you for two nights.

HAARTTE

Fine. Just make the other night tonight, too.

HAARTTE (VO)

I was about to go up to my room and write a nasty note to mail to Crazy Pete, when, suddenly, the front door of the hotel burst open...

SFX: DOOR BURSTS OPEN.

HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)

And a man rushed in, carrying a woman in his arms. It would have been very romantic if it hadn't been for one thing...

SYLVESTER

Help! My wife's been bitten by a snake!

KATE

Someone call 9-1-1!

NILES

It'll be faster if I go and fetch the doc. Her office is right across the street.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS RUSH ACROSS THE FLOOR.

SFX: DOOR CLOSES.

HAARTTE (VO)

My years of experience told me I should go over and see what was happening. But I had to take care of something vert important first. With a few strokes of the pen, I changed my check in time from from 3:58 to 8:58.

SFX: PEN WRITING IN REGISTER.

HAARTTE

Never let an opportunity go to waste.

SFX: DOOR SWINGS OPEN.

NILES

She's over there, Doc

DR. SMAATT

Got it.

NILES

Haartte, what'd you find out while I was out gettin' the Doc?

HAARTTE

That you write your 3's nice and big. I appreciate that.

NILES

What? Oh, never mind. I'm gonna go call the Sheriff.

HAARTTE

You do that. I have work to do.

(addressing the room)

All right everyone, step back. Nothing to see here.

KATE

(not happy with that statement)

Really? And who the hell are you?

HAARTTE (VO)

It was then that I made my first mistake in years, by asking one simple question...

HAARTTE

Let's start with who all of YOU are. You, leaning over the woman on the floor, what's your deal?

DR. SMAATT

(taken aback by the question)

Me? I'm Dr. Vesper Smaatt. That's with two "A's" and two "T's".

HAARTTE

Funny you should mention that. Because I...

KATE

And I'm Kate Paatterslackny. Also two "A's" and two "T's".

SYLVESTER

And I'm Sylvester Vaan Datten. And that "woman on the floor" just happens to be my wife, Millie.

HAARTTE

Datten, huh. Can you spell that?

SYLVESTER

D-A-T-T-E-N.

HAARTTE

(a bit relieved)

Two "T's". but only one "A".

SYLVESTER

Well, no, actually, Vaan is spelled V-A-A-N.

HAARTTE

A likely story, the odds of you all having two "A's" and two "T's" in a row in your names is virtually impossible.

KATE

And, again, WHO the hell are YOU?

HAARTTE

The name's Haartte. Detective Haartte.

KATE

Can you spell that?

HAARTTE

I'd rather not. Look, let's not get hung up on things like that right now. I know why I'M here in this one-horse town...

SFX: HORNSE NEIGH'S AGAIN.

HAARTTE (cont'd)

But why are you here?

SYLVESTER

(reluctant to answer)

Well...

HAARTTE

What's wrong, Sylvester? Cat got your tongue?

KATE

(supportive)

It's all right, Sylvester. We don't have anything to hide. You can tell the detective.

HAARTTE

Tell me what?

SYLVESTER

Kate and I are hoping to get married.

HAARTTE

But you said floor lady was your wife. You're story's starting to fold like the back cover of Mad Magazine, Vaan Datten! And the picture doesn't make any sense.

(aside)

Kids, ask your parents.

SYLVESTER

We haven't gotten along in ages, Detective. In fact, we've been separated for over a year. Millie knew about Kate. But she just wouldn't give me a divorcee. I had hoped that...Well...

KATE

Sylvester thought that a change of scenery might help Millie see things differently.

SHERIFF BAANTTERTGRIN

Then, no offense, by why were you here, Ms. Paatterslackny?

SFX: FOOTSTEPS ON WOODEN FLOOR.

HAARTTE

And who are you?

NILES

That there's Sheriff Sterling Baanttertgrin.

EVERYONE

Two "A's", two "T's".

SHERIFF BAANTTERTGRIN

Niles there filled me in on the phone. So, Miss Ms. Paatterslackny, I'll ask you again. Why were YOU here?

KATE

I wouldn't be much of a fiance if I wasn't here to support Sylvester now, would I? This whole thing hasn't been easy for him.

SHERIFF BAANTTERTGRIN

Or, I'll wager, Mrs. Vaan Datten. Speaking of which...

(yelling over to DR. SMAATT)

How's she doin', Doc?

DR. SMAATT

I'm afraid Mrs. Vaan Datten is dead.

KATE

Gasp!

SYLVESTER

No!

HAARTTE

Don't act that surprised. She didn't look that great when she came in.

SHERIFF BAANTTERTGRIN

Okay, I realize the timing is bad, but I think someone better get to telling me what the happened -- right now!

SYLVESTER

Well, Sheriff...

HAARTTE

And detective!

SYLVESTER

As Kate said, I was hoping that if Mollie got a break from the city, some fresh air, that would help her clear her head and realize that a divorce was the right thing to do for both of us. And, it did seem to be helping. So, we decided to take a walk along the trail out back to talk it through.

Then, at one point the trail go narrow and Millie was behind me. I heard her scream. I turned around and saw a rattlesnake poised to strike.

SFX: RATTLESNAKE WARNING RATTLE.

SYLVESTER (cont'd)

Millie was frozen with fear. And before I could do anything, I saw the fangs shoot out from the snake's mouth...

SFX: WHOOSH.

SYLVESTER (cont'd)

And plunge into Millie's leg.

SFX: CRUNCH.

SYLVESTER (cont'd)

It was horrible.

SHERIFF BAANTTERTGRIN

I see. How 'bout it, Doc?

DR. SMAATT

Yup. It's like Mr. Vaan Datten there said. There's a small puncture wound in the left leg, and a heap of swelling around the wound. She died of rattlesnake venom, all right.

SHERIFF BAANTTERTGRIN

But not from a rattlesnake.

HAARTTE

But not from a rattlesnake.

HAARTTE (VO)

How did I figure it out? That's where you come in. It's time for you to match wits with me, Detective Haartte. I'll give you 6 and a quarter seconds to come up with your answer.

SFX: CLOCK TICKS SIX TIMES.

HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)

Time's up!

SFX: HORSE NEIGHS IN DISTANCE

HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)

Did you figure it out? Millie Vaan Datten was murdered by...Buddy, the guy who offered to fix my car!

MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING.

HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)

Think about it. He shows up out of nowhere and then we don't see him again. Why would he even show up in this story if he wasn't the murderer?

Oh, but he did do a good job fixing the car and his bill was quite reasonable -- for a murderer!

MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING.

HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)

HOW did he do it? I'm not exactly sure. Maybe he's a part time rattlesnake trainer. Come on. Being a mechanic in a town with a population of 137 people can't take up THAT much of your time.

Of course, the Sheriff had a different "theory." He said that Sylvester Van Datten killed his wife by injecting snake venom into her with a hypodermic needle. He claimed that the thing that "shoots out" of a snake's mouth is just the snake's tongue. The fangs are long teeth that stay in the snakes mouth. And that the rattlesnake has two fangs, but Millie Vaan Datten only had one puncture wound.

Well, what if it was an old snake who didn't brush after eating? Did you ever think of that "Sheriff"?

SCENE 4: HAARTTE'S OFFICE

MUSIC: "HAARTTE'S THEME" IN AND UNDER FOR...

HAARTTE

How did you you do? Don't worrry if you didn't figure it out. A few more pre-paid lessons and you'll be on your way to being a full-fledged two-bit private eye.

So, until our next lesson/until next time, never forget, a great detective is always one step ahead of the criminal. It's remembering to turn around that's the hard part.

MUSIC: "HAARTTE'S THEME" UP AND FINISHES.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That about wraps it up. But first, a very, very special shout-out to the folks who help power comedy4cast -- my Patreon patrons, including my Producer-level patrons: Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast, Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast, Chuck Tomasi from the Technorama podcast, Kyle Nishioka, Brian Martsolf, and our newest producers, Amy Murphy, and Steve Ng from steve ng 5 dot com, that's s-t-e-v-e-n-g the number five dot com. You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com. Or click on the link on the comedy4cast.com home page.

In part, this episode was inspired by the old-time radio series "5 Minute Mysteries."

In this episode, the parts of Kate Paastterslackny and Dr. Vesper Smaat were played by Bonnie Kenderdine.

Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

=== THE END ===