comedy4cast 862

Talk Support

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON

DANNY

RANDOM CHARACTER

GENERAL K. WINSTON KALAMITY

PETE HUNERSTONDSTON

LENNY TREETOP...................CLINTON ALVORD

SOLDIER............................KREG STEPPE

ABBY FALMACHER

CINDY...........................BONNIE KENDERDINE

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

CLINTON

comedy4cast is the official podcast of coat racks, precious gemstones, and the great barrier reef.

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID STING MUSIC CONTINUES AS REPEATING SHIMMER.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

Oh, Hi! You're here. Welcome to the show. I'm Clinton and this is comedy4cast, episode 862, "Talk Support"!

We're going to be answering some very probing questions submitted by our Patreon supporters. But first, a reminder that you, too, can help out this one-of-a-kind show by becoming a patron yourself. Head over to patreon.com and searching for "comedy4cast," -- all one word with the number 4. Or click on the link on the comedy4cast.com home page. And thank you!

Now, let's have some fun.

MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME UP AND OUT.

SCENE 1: INT. COMEDY4CAST STUDIO - DAY

CLINTON

Hi, I'm Clinton, from comedy4cast -- all one word, with the number "4", and I'm here today to answer questions from the internet. This is Talk Support.

Gary Lindros asks...

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD BUTTON PRESS CLICK.

CLINTON (cont'd)

"What would happen if Danny watched a movie before he reviewed it?"

Well, to answer that question, Gary, I told Danny he had to actually sit down and watch a movie. And then I had to bribe him 20 bucks to do it. I gave him a choice from the ten 2026 Oscar best-picture nominees.

Of course, looking over the list, Danny thought "Bugonia" was the story of the man who invented sliced deli meat, "Frankenstein" was a sequel to Wolfenstein, "Marty Supreme" was about a boy who wanted to be Diana Ross... Finally I just had to pick one for him.

(addressing Danny)

So, Danny...

DANNY

Hi! Danny Hillcrest here!

CLINTON

Yes, I know, Danny. Tell me -- what did you think of "F1: The Movie"?

DANNY

Very loud!

CLINTON

Well, it IS about racing.

DANNY

Oh. That's an unsimilarly different kettle of corn. I thought it was supposed to be all about one of those weird number button keys at the top of my keyboard.

CLINTON

No. Those are function keys, Danny.

DANNY

Is that function to make all the other keys on my desktop typing keyboard smaller? Because these fingers need room to breathe!

CLINTON

The movie, Danny. Now that you know what it was about, what did you think of it?

DANNY

Well, I liked the fastfully racing parts, but the subplot about Peter Banning, the evil board member trying to take APXGP (APEX GP) away from the character, played by Javier Bardem, seemed unnecessary, with little development until well into the third act. It also felt a bit derivative of the classic sports sabotage subplot, which has been executed much better in other productions, including the first season of "Ted Lasso".

CLINTON

Well, there's your answer, Gary. If Danny actually watched the movies, he'd be like pretty much every other movie critic -- arrogant and extremely judgemental.

Let's switch things up a bit and take a question from Patreon patron Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast. When I asked the patrons to submit questions, I said they could be about the show in general, various locations or even "that random character from episode X." So, naturally, Paul's question is, quote...

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD BUTTON PRESS CLICK.

CLINTON (cont'd)

"That random character from episode X -- How does one become a random podcast character and what is the motivation behind your appearance in episode X?"

Fortunately, I was able to locate the individual who played that random character and he recorded this reply.

SFX: PLAYBACK MECHANISM CLICKS TO TURN ON.

RANDOM CHARACTER

Hello, Mr. Paul Barrie. I'm so honored that you remember me and my guest-starring role. You, sir, humble me.

As you undoubtedly know, that performance heralded my return to the world of entertainment after decades of self-imposed retirement. I'm delighted that it made such a lasting impression on you and my otherwise silent legion of fans.

Now, to the first part of your most intriguing question -- "How does one become a random podcast character"? It may surprise you to learn that it's a complicated process in this so-called modern age. One fraught with intrigue, suspense and a touch of...mundane.

Consider: firstly, I had to be made away of the so-called "gig". Of course, under the old studio system, that wasn't an issue. I would walk into the office of Mr. Louis B. Mayer and, after I briefly reminded him who I was -- he would assign me to a production where I was the King of England, or a dashing young swashbuckler, or he'd hand me a broom and have me sweep up his office while modeling one of the outfits being designed for Gloria DeHaven. He was a complicated individual.

But, in this so-called modern age, I have to go "online" and search for opportunities on what we in the business refer to as the breakdowns. That is where I learned of the casting call that would become my now-legendary comeback roll on comedy4cast.

Unfortunately, even though I'm the one who found the job, my agent automatically wanted 20 percent straight off the top. Which surprised me. I didn't know I still had an agent.

But I had the last laugh in this instance, because, you see, the gig didn't actually pay anything. It seems one does comedy4cast for the so-called "exposure". I informed my agent that if he wanted an automatic 20 percent straight off the top he'd have to go to SuperCuts like everyone else.

Then, I submitted a sample of my work, along with a photo of myself, circa 1952. I admit that the headshot was a bit out of date, but I simply detest the quality of today's so-called digital cameras. They make everything seem so...real. Well, after that, I had to drive to Middling Fair three times over the course of a month for callbacks. Actually, my grandson drove me. He's a good lad, even if he is a bit odd. He insists on plugging his automobile into an electric outlet every night, as if it were a floor lamp.

On my final callback, there were some pretty big so-called A-list celebrities sitting in the waiting area apparently reading for the same part.

I hesitate to name anyone. However, they already have names -- like "Matt Damon", "Pablo Pascal" and "Ryan Gosling."

But I knew that none of that mattered. Because I felt so emersed in my character, I was able to go into that last reading as if I was living the part. I laughed and tossed away the so-called sides I had been given and improvise -- much to the surprise of the director's assistant, who was reading the role of my scene partner, one General Kalamity. In fact, I believe it was my quick thinking when the assistant began to have a panic attack that really caught the director's attention.

Long story short, I obviously got the gig. And I'm hoping that Clinton does me the honor of playing the clip that highlights my appearance.

SCENE 2: EXT. MAIN STREET, MIDDLING FAIR - DAY

SFX: SOUND OF TANK ROLLING ALONG THE STREET.

KALAMITY (OVER MEGAPHONE)

Attention, citizens of Middling Fair, this is General Kalamity. It's April, which means you should have fled town by now. But, if there is anyone still here, be aware, random musical instruments are falling out of the sky. It's unusual. But not for this show. Stay alert.

KALAMITY

(spotting something)

What in the name of...?

SFX: TANK HATCH LID SQUEAKS AS IT SWING OPEN.

KALAMITY (cont'd)

(yelling down into the tank's interior)

Hold on a second. Soldier. Stop the tank!

NOTE: SOLDIER'S voice has an metallic echo to it.

SOLDIER

Yes, sir!

KALAMITY

(addressing someone on the sidewalk)

You there! Citizen!

RANDOM CHARACTER

Me?

KALAMITY

Yes, you! Didn't you hear what I just said? You need to be...

SFX: CRASH OF PIANO SLAMMING DOWN ON THE PAVEMENT.

KALAMITY (cont'd)

Never mind.

(yelling down into tank interior)

Soldier, let's go.

SOLDIER

Yes, sir!

SFX: TANK HATCH LID SLAMS SHUT.

SFX: TANK BEGINS ROLLING AGAIN AND QUICKLY FADES OUT FOR...

SCENE 3: INT. COMEDY4CAST STUDIO - DAY

RANDOM CHARACTER

As relevant now as it was then. Oh, and in relation to the other part of your question, "what was the motivation behind my appearance on comedy4cast"? Well...obviously I'm insane.

SFX: PLAYBACK MECHANISM CLICKS TO SHUT OFF.

CLINTON

Back to a question from Gary Lindros. And this one should prove interesting. He asks...

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD BUTTON PRESS CLICK.

CLINTON (cont'd)

"What are little wicker baskets really made of?"

I think I'd better turn this one over to the expert.

ABBY

Hello, everyone. I'm Abby Falmacher, owner of the Little Wicker Basket Company. "Little Wicker Baskets."

CLINTON

"They're everywhere."

ABBY

"They're everywhere."

CLINTON

Hello, Miss Falmacher. What do you say to Gary, who asks what wicker baskets are really made of?

ABBY

I say, what exactly are you implying, Mr. Lindros? If that is, indeed, your real stage name.

CLINTON

Now, now. I think it's a legitimate question. After all, there's no real cargo in cargo pants .

ABBY

Why doesn't he ask the owner of the Questionable Materials Container Company about THEIR products?

CLINTON

Is that a real company?

ABBY

How should I know? You'd never find me hanging around with riff-raff like that.

CLINTON

It seems to me you're avoiding the question. What are little wicker baskets made of?

ABBY

All right. I guess I should come clean.

CLINTON

Yes. That would put the question to rest.

ABBY

Don't say "put to rest" to an old person!

CLINTON

Sorry.

ABBY

Well, "Gary," the truth is, our little wicker baskets are made out of the leftover material from our primary business.

CLINTON

Uh. Which is...?

ABBY

Creating ready-to-use nests for inept birds.

CLINTON

What?

ABBY

Oh, I know. Everyone thinks birds are all very skilled at taking twigs and straw and weaving them into nests. But, the sad truth is, a lot of them are pretty darned incompetent when it comes to possessing foundational construction skills.

Did you know that the average majestic bald eagle couldn't tell you the difference between a twig and a bag of googly eyes if it's life depended on it.

CLINTON

I had no idea. And you're saying your company makes the nests for these birds?

ABBY

We do. We carry a complete line of nests that are all strategically designed to look like the equivalent of abandoned second grade art projects.

CLINTON

And that product line leaves you with enough leftover materials to make hundreds of thousands of little wicker baskets?

ABBY

There are roughly 50 billion birds on Earth. You do the math. Because, goodness knows, birds can't.

CLINTON

Well, thank you, Miss Falmacher. I'm sure people have been dying to find out about this.

ABBY

Don't say "dying" to an old person!

CLINTON

And finally, Paul Barrie also asks...

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD BUTTON PRESS CLICK.

CLINTON (cont'd)

"If Comedy4cast had to be rebooted as an instructional VHS from 1989, what would it be teaching, and who would absolutely ruin the lesson?"

This one is interesting because someone on the show actually WAS in an instructional VHS production back in 1989.

SFX: VHS TAPE BEING LOADED INTO TAPE PLAYER.

CLINTON (cont'd)

And I have the audio right here:

SFX: VHS MACHINE 'PLAY' BUTTON PRESSED.

SCENE 4A: EXT. CLOTHING STORE - DAY

SFX: FIRST FEW SECONDS OF PLAYBACK WOBBLE.

MUSIC: SHORT INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO INTRO PLAYS.

SFX: FIRST SEVERAL SECONDS OF PLAYBACK HAVE TAPE HUM.

SFX: SHOPPING CENTER AMBIENT FOOT TRAFFIC IN BACKGROUND.

PETE

Hello, new employee, I'm Pete Hunerstondston, regional manager of Personnel and I want to welcome you to the Chess King family. As I like to say that when you work at Chess King, you're more than a "pawn."

(he thinks this is hilarious, laughing in a very odd manner)

In fact, you are essential to our success.

SFX: SLIDING DOORS OPEN.

SCENE 4B: INT. CLOTHING STORE - CONTINUOUS

SFX: EXTERIOR AMBIENT SOUNDS GIVE WAY TO AN INDOOR STORE VIBE.

PETE

That's why I'm here at store 6211 in Middling Fair to demonstrate how you need to work with your customers. Because when it comes to selling, it's all about the right "opening move."

(he thinks this is hilarious, too and laughs strangely again)

Oh, And here at Chess King, we're all about equality, too. We hire dudes and chicks. And we'll prove it by selecting this random employee. Excuse me, what's your name, little lady?

CINDY

Like, Cindy, big doof.

PETE

Well, Cindy, if you don't mind, I'd like to do some role play with you.

CINDY

Woah. Like, go call one of those 1-900 numbers, like all the other freaks.

PETE

Hmm? Oh. No. No. I mean I'm going to pretend to be a customer coming into the store needing some help selecting clothes.

CINDY

(cautious)

Uh huh.

PETE

And you, as the Chess King employee, will help me.

CINDY

Like, whatever, but if this gets, like, weird I'm calling the cops.

PETE

Uh. Hello! I am here looking for new "threads" as the kids say.

CINDY

Like, if the kids are, like, 35 years old.

PETE

Yes, well, what do you have in dress shirts?

CINDY

Like, that depends. Are you going for the "poser" look, the "street dealer" look or the "this photo will totally embarrass me 20 years from now" look? That last one includes suspenders.

PETE

That's what's known as upselling. We encourage our employees to make sure that the customer always leaves with more than they came in for.

CINDY

Like, if they came in looking for clothes that last, that might be a hard one to pull off. Also, don't try to pull of these clothes, they, like, disintegrate.

PETE

(nervous laugh)

How about a jacket? That salmon one?

(spotting another jacket)

Oh! What can you tell me about this leather jacket?

CINDY

Like, I can tell you it's not leather. The closest that thing ever got to a cow is the TCBY shop next door.

PETE

Young lady, this is no way for a Chess King employee to act!

CINDY

Like, if you say so.

LENNY

Basically, hey, Cindy.

CINDY

Like, hey, Lenny.

PETE

And who, exactly, are you, young man?

LENNY

Basically, I'm Lenny Treetop, old dude. Basically, I work here.

PETE

You BOTH work here?

CINDY

Like, I don't work here. I'm just, like, giving Lenny a ride home.

LENNY

But, basically, I can ring all this up for you before I go. It looks like you went for the, basically, "I want to look like a record producer when hit the disco tonight" outfit. That rocks. Do you want the optional Wayfarers knock-offs, too?

PETE

No! I don't want anything!

CINDY

Like, awesome role play, man. Hey, we're, headed over to the Swatch store if you need to, like, harsh some more mellow.

PETE

Ahhhh! Cut! Cut!

SFX: VHS 'STOP' BUTTON BEING PRESSED.

SCENE 5: INT. COMEDY4CAST STUDIO - DAY

CLINTON

That's all the questions for today. Thank you for listening to Talk Support.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That about wraps it up. But first, a very special shout-out to the folks who help power comedy4cast -- my Patreon patrons, including Producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast, Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast, Chuck Tomasi from the Technorama podcast, Kyle Nishioka, and our newest producer, Brian Martsolf. You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com. Or click on the link on the comedy4cast.com home page.

In this episode, the parts of Abby Falmacher and Cindy were played by Bonnie Kenderdine and the part of the Soldier was played by Kreg Steppe.

Additional voices, script, and original music by me, Clinton Alvord, Copyright 2026. All rights reserved.

Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

=== THE END ===