comedy4cast 861

Arcana

The Arcana Unity

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON

STATION ANNOUNCER

SHOW ANNOUNCER

JESS KRAZIER

CALLER NUMBER ONE

PROGRAM VOICE

CALLER NUMBER THREE

CALLER NUMBER FOUR...............CLINTON ALVORD

TIM PATTERSON/DIRK KINSNER

CALLER NUMBER TWO................NATHAN ALVORD

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

CLINTON

comedy4cast is the official podcast of Newton's Laws of Motion, airport shuttle buses and rodeo clowns.

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID STING MUSIC CONTINUES AS REPEATING SHIMMER.

MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

Oh, Hi! You're here. Welcome to the show. I'm Clinton and this is comedy4cast, episode 861, "The Arcana Unity"!

In this episode, Jess Krazier is back with us, doing a night gig instead of his usual "Money Talks" financial show. This one may solve a few problems, but raise a whole lot more.

Before that, did you know you can support comedy4cast without spending a single penny -- or whatever it is that's replacing those? How? Recommend us to a friend! Repost a link. Give us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. And thank you!

Now, let's have some fun.

MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME UP AND OUT.

SCENE 1: RADIO STATION - EVENING

STATION ANNOUNCER

You're listening to K. O.K. K? K. F.M. Serving Chasm Valley and our one online listener. Hi, Ms. Havisham.

SHOW ANNOUNCER

And now it's time for "Is that right?", with your host, Jess Krazier.

MUSIC: "UNSOLVED MYSTERIES" OR "X FILES" STYLE MUSIC IN AND UNDER FOR...

JESS

Ghosts. Ancient astronauts. The resurgence of Crocs. Some say things like these can't be explained. But I say "Is that right?"

MUSIC: UP AND OUT.

JESS (cont'd)

I'm Jess Krazier. And tonight, on my brand new nighttime talk show, I'm taking your calls about conspiracy theories. I claim everybody has one. But I can't get anyone to confirm that on the record.

And when I dig deeper I begin to see a pattern. But not the kind of pattern that repeats. Because all these conspiracy theories contradict each other. And nobody knows how that works.

To explain how that works, my special guest tonight is a former C.I.A. employee who, for reasons of personal safety, hides his identity behind the code name ThunderWings -- Please welcome Tim Patterson.

TIM/DIRK

It's a good thing that's also a fake name.

JESS

I was gonna ask, because I have the check for your appearance and it's made out to "Dirk Kinsner".

TIM/DIRK

Can we just get on with this. I have to go home to immediately move to some other city.

JESS

Are you sure you can fit everything into that red Honda Fit you drove here?

TIM/DIRK

Stop doing that.

JESS

Dirk, you claim to have developed a way to make sense of all these conspiracy theories?

TIM/DIRK

Yes. I've written a program.

JESS

YOU did? Or did A.I.?

TIM/DIRK

Me. 100 percent me. I would never trust A.I. to write software for me.

JESS

Because, as I suspected, it's controlled by big tech. Right?

TIM/DIRK

No. I'm just no good at writing those prompts. You know? "Write a program that does such and such." I just always seem to get bac pictures of cats in hockey uniforms.

JESS

Never mind your personal fetishes, Dirk. We have callers waiting on the line. Get to the point.

TIM/DIRK

Well, based on my experience in "The Agency," I developed what I call the Conspiracy Reconciliation Algorithmic Processor.

It can take seemingly incompatible scenarios and integrate them into one rock-solid conspiracy theory you'll be proud to type in all caps in any comment sections.

I've also added in a dramatic voice to read the answers.

JESS

Talk is cheap, Dirk. At least that's what they tell me every time I ask for a raise around here. So, let's put your theory about your theory program to the test, with our first caller.

Caller number one, you're up. What's your question?

SFX: RADIO ECHO OF JESS'S VOICE.

CALLER NUMBER ONE

Yes. Hello? Hello? Am I on?

SFX: RADIO ECHO OF CALLER'S VOICE.

JESS

Turn your radio down, caller! Better yet, smash it into a million pieces.

SFX: RADIO ECHO OF JESS'S VOICE.

SFX: WHOOSH OF HAMMER.

SFX: SMASH OF A RADIO.

JESS (cont'd)

Now, what's your question.

CALLER NUMBER ONE

Yes. I want to know, can your guest tell me more about those cats? And the more details the better.

JESS

Goodbye, good luck. Caller Number Two. You're up. And you'd better have a question -- about conspiracy theories.

CALLER NUMBER TWO

I most certainly do, Jess.

JESS

Go ahead.

CALLER NUMBER TWO

Ahem. There's a theory out there that has strong circumstantial evidence that 297 years were ADDED to the calendar sometime before 1000AD. But another one, with equally strong poorly-documented evidence says many past centuries are SHORTER than we've been told. Those can't both be true, can they?

JESS

Great question. Dirk? What does your mumbo jumbotron say about those two ideas? Lots of time added versus taken away.

TIM/DIRK

I fed that in while you were talking and the program has already reconciled it.

JESS

And you claim you have a dramatic voice that reads the answer. Time to use it.

TIM/DIRK

Oh, right.

PROGRAM VOICE

This all began in 623 AD, on a small, tidal island off the northeast coast of England. It was there and then
that master calendar maker - Cuthberht of Lindisfarne began to tire of plying his trade.

His calendar work was universally praised for its orderly sequence of dates -- presented in handy wall or tabletop format. Yet Cuthberht longed to travel, perhaps as far as Bebbanburgh.

He set himself to the task of creating a so-called perpetual calendar. One he could distribute to his legion of followers and then enjoy a life of leisure -- off of his immense calendar-making earnings.

Unfortunately, while Cuthberht was excellent at calendar making -- it seems he wasn't as good at his maths. His perpetual calendar was short -- by several weeks.

Of course, most people soon noticed. But Cuthberht was held in such high regard, the masses came to accept the fact that it snowed in midsummer. For surely it was the seasons, not Cuthberht's calendar that was in error.

But, eventually, to avoid the remote possibility of ridicule being cast upon their noble profession, contemporary calendar makers decided action needed to be taken.

Meeting in the blistering heat of winter 664, they all agreed to begin removing random days from each year's calendar.

Now, this was easier than you might think because, at that time, the Julian calender was still new to many people. So, bugs in the calendar were touted as features.

By the year 1000, the calendar makers had finally caught up with where they needed to be. But, in a nod to their hero, Cuthberht, they decided to add an extra day into the calendar -- every four years.

JESS

I'm sure that completely, thoroughly, longly answers your question, caller.

CALLER NUMBER TWO

Yes. Thank you very much. Now, about those cats...

JESS

Goodbye, good luck!

Caller number three, you're up. And, with my finger poised right above the disconnect button, what is your non-cat-related conspiracy theory question for our guest?

CALLER NUMBER THREE

Well, thank you, Jess. When it comes down to it, I think I'm more of a dog person anyway. In fact I was just saying...

JESS

(interrupting)

Get on with it!

CALLER NUMBER THREE

Oh. Right. Well, what I want to know is, has your guest ever considered trying to generate images of dogs in sailor suits?

JESS

Goodbye, good luck.

That leaves us with time for just one more question. And my producer, who's on thin ice right now, assures me it is about conspiracy theories.

Caller number four, you're up. The world is listening. Make this good. what's your question about conspiracy theories?

CALLER NUMBER FOUR

Thank you, Jess. I listen to your show all the time.

JESS

And yet, I'll only listen to you right now. Good trade off. Now, ask your question.

CALLER NUMBER FOUR

Well, I want to know about the big one -- the New World Order theory. What the heck is that? And who, exactly, controls it? I've heard that the Illuminati are behind it. Or the Freemasons. Or some other well-known, highly-talked-about secret society. Or that it's run by that certain rising economic power? You know the one I'm talking about. Or that EXISTING economic power? I've heard people say it's run by the World Economic Forum. Or aliens. Or it's controlled by that one religious group. Or that other one. Or by a group of evil billionaires. Or even focus groups. What, exactly are they focusing on, Jess? World domination?

JESS

I've read manifestos that were shorter. And more entertaining. So, Dirk, what is the deal with the New World Order?

TIM/DIRK

Okay. All that's been entered in. And here's the answer.

PROGRAM VOICE

Who controls the New World Order? If you think you know what group is behind it -- You're right! In fact, it's all of them. From the United Nations, down to Girl Scouts troop 6394 and Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. It's quite inclusive.

In fact, if you've ever been in a group chat, you might already be a member. But, hush -- because here's the secret. We know what the New World Order actually is. It is alphanumeric. But in the New World Order, letters come before numbers. Pure chaos.

There you have it. So now you can log off, go outside and get some fresh air for crying out loud! End of line.

CALLER NUMBER FOUR

I knew it! But what about groups of cat..

JESS

(interrupting)

Goodbye, good luck!

Well, Dirk, that's all the time we have. If people want to get in touch with you, should they just write you at your email address: "I am not who you're looking for at anomamizer dot com"?

SFX: SPIT TAKE.

SFX: RUNNING FEET.

JESS (cont'd)

Dirk?

SFX: DOOR SLAMS.

Until next time...Oh. My producer is telling me that there won't BE a next time for this show. Fine. This is Jess Krazier reminding you that you should always question everything, but then just trust someone else to do the actual research for you.

Goodbye, good luck.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

SFX: VARIOUS CAT NOISES SCATTERED THROUGHOUT DIALOGUE.

CLINTON

That about wraps it up. But first, a very special shout-out to the folks who help power comedy4cast -- my Patreon patrons, including Producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast, Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast, Chuck Tomasi from the Technorama podcast and Kyle Nishioka. You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com. Or click on the link on the comedy4cast.com home page.

In this episode, the parts of Dirk and Caller Number Two were played by Nathan Alvord.

Additional voices, script, and original music by me, Clinton Alvord, Copyright 2026. All rights reserved.

Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

=== THE END ===