comedy4cast 860
The Bob & Ray Show
Written by
Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding
Additional material by
Clinton Alvord
CAST
(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)
ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON
RAY GOULDING
BOB ELLIOTT
WALLY THE WORD MAN
MR. OWL
BIFF BURNS
EDGAR BARHORST
OFFICER SAM FINCH
OFFICER RALPH R. KRUGER, JR
DISPATCHER........................CLINTON ALVORD
"AFTER THE EPISODE" ANNOUNCER.......ADAM RAIMER
INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO
CLINTON
comedy4cast is the official podcast of the mandolin, type that is way too small to read and teaser trailers.
MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING
ID ANNOUNCER
The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.
MUSIC: ID STING MUSIC UP AND OUT.
MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME IN AND UNDER.
CLINTON
Oh, Hi! You're here. Welcome to the show. I'm Clinton and this is a very special episode of comedy4cast, episode 860, "The Bob & Ray Show"!
This past Summer I participated in the Mutual Audio Network's Annual Summer Stock Event where audio theater enthusiasts give new interpretations of classic audio productions.
I decided to do a compilation of sketches by the comedy team of Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding, better known simply as Bob & Ray. I gathered sketches and skits from their various radio show over the years, some dating back to the 1940's. For this episode, I've cut down the number of sketches from that Summer Stock production to give you a taste of the full show.
More about all this this the end of the episode.
But, right now, let's have some fun with my salute to Bob and Ray.
MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME UP AND OUT.
SCENE 1: THE BOB AND RAY SHOW INTRO
RAY
Now.. from approximately coast to coast.... it's The Bob and Ray Show!
MUSIC: ORGAN THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER FOR...
BOB
And it's all possible, thanks, in part to two of our old sponsors...Einbinder, the greatest name in flypaper. This year, more than ever before -- make flypaper an important part of your life ....
RAY
And by the Monongahela Metal Foundry... maker of shiny steel ingots. Monongahela -- the metal foundry that casts its ingots with the housewife in mind!
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.
SCENE 2: PRODIGY STREET, TV STUDIO - DAY
MUSIC: BOUNCY TYPE OF THEME MUSIC. ESTABLISH AND FADE.
WALLY [BOB]
Hi there, boys and girls. Let's all gather round for another session of fun and learning on... Prodigy Street. I know how anxious all you little people are to become smarter than your mommies and daddies. So let's not waste another minute to find out what Mr. Wise Old Owl has to teach us today. I see you have your blackboard all set up there ready to begin, Mr. Owl.
OWL [RAY]
Yes, I sure do, Wally the Word Man. And today, boys and girls, we're going to learn a lot more about numbers as we study the numeral 1. First, I'm going to put a figure 1 on my "Wise Old Owl blackboard". And to help you remember, we'll write out the word "one" right next to it, O-N-E. Now, we'll put -—
WALLY [BOB]
(interrupting)
Excuse me, Mr. Wise Old Owl. But I think the boys and girls should notice that the word "one" begins with that "W" sound I was telling them about yesterday on Prodigy Street. But it isn't spelled with a "W." How about that?!
OWL [RAY]
Well, that's certainly interesting, Wally the Word Man. But today's lesson is about numbers. So I want all of you boys and girls to hold up one finger and then count it.
WALLY [BOB]
But first, kids, you should take a moment to notice that "one" is spelled as if it should be pronounced "owni." But always remember -— it isn't.
OWL [RAY]
(slightly miffed)
Pardon me, Wally the Word Man. But I don't think we should confuse the boys and girls with too many ideas at once here. And I'd just asked them to count a finger when I'm afraid you got them off onto something else.
WALLY [BOB]
I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Wise Old Owl. It's just that we were learning about the letter "W" yesterday. And I thought it would be good to bring up this point while it was fresh in mind. But that was all. So please continue.
OWL [RAY]
(accepting the apology)
Thank you ... Now, kids, hold up one more finger and count again. How many are there this time? That's right -— two. So one plus one makes two. Now I'll put the figure 2 on the blackboard. And right next to it, the word "two" -—
T-W-O.
WALLY [BOB]
Well, look there, boys and girls! Our old friend, the letter "W," is peeking out at us from the middle of the word "two."
OWL [RAY]
(passive aggressive)
Look, Wally —- I really wish you'd knock it off with this letter "W" business. I'm trying to teach the kids simple addition.
WALLY [BOB]
Well, actually, that's not a very important thing to know. But the word "two" is unique in our language. See, kids? It's spelled as if it should be pronounced "twoh." But always remember -— it isn't.
OWL [RAY]
(getting set off)
Wally, nobody needs to know how it's spelled to do arithmetic. For all I know, Einstein couldn't spell it.
WALLY [BOB]
Well, I don't think our producer is going to be too happy to hear you implying to the boys and girls that Einstein was illiterate.
OWL [RAY]
(still in character but...)
I didn't say that. I just mean it's completely beside the point. You don't have to be able to spell numbers to do arithmetic. It's irrelevant ... Now hold up another finger, kids, and —-
WALLY [BOB]
(interrupting)
Well, I certainly don't consider any phase of the correct use of our language to be irrelevant. And I think you may be right out on your ear when the foundation that finances this show hears what you said.
OWL [RAY]
(beginning to lose it)
Why do you have to twist around everything I say? You English grammar smart alecks are always doing that. And I've got millions of kids out there holding up three fingers waiting for me to tell them what to do next.
WALLY [BOB]
Well, I suppose you're just going to have them count their fingers again. So count your fingers, kids ... Big deal!
OWL [RAY]
(character is gone)
Now, just hold on. Are you trying to make me look foolish in front of all these children?
WALLY [BOB]
I sure don't have to try very hard to do that, fella.
OWL [RAY]
Okay, Buster. If you're looking for a knuckle sandwich, you got one. Take that!
SFX: SCUFFLING, FURNITURE AND GLASS BREAKING.
WALLY and OWL grunting and groaning. Then...
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER FOR...
WALLY [BOB]
(Breathless)
Time's up for today's lesson, kids. But join us again tomorrow on Prodigy Street for more.
OWL [RAY]
(Breathless, in character)
You can stop holding your fingers up in the air now, boys and girls.
WALLY [BOB]
Yeah, stop that. But remember to tune in tomorrow for more fun and learning -- same time, same station —- on Prodigy Street. See you then, Mr. Wise Old Owl.
OWL [RAY]
Yeah. I suppose so.
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.
SCENE 3: MONONGAHELA METAL FOUNDRY, STUDIO - DAY
RAY
A word to you ladies now, from our subscriber, the Monongahela Metal Foundry: Ladies, we don't expect you to take our word that Monongahela steel ingots are brighter and shinier than old-fashioned brands. Make a simple comparison test for yourself. Just drag one of your present ingots out in the yard on a sunny day and place it next to one of ours. If the Monongahela ingot doesn't shine more brightly -- even without long hours of polishing -- your money will be cheerfully refunded. Remember, too, ladies -- you know how ashamed you feel serving dinner guests when there are dull, corroded steel ingots piled up on the table. That's why the folks at Monongahela have introduced new, extra shiny ingots for home and office use. You'll be proud to display them along with your finest china and silverware. Ask about them at your local Monongahela Foundry salesroom today.
SCENE 4: BIFF BURNS'S SPORTS
MUSIC: SPORTS THEMED MUSIC IN AND UNDER FOR...
BURNS [BOB]
Greetings and the warmest of felicitations to you, sports fans. This is Biff Burns emanating from mike side here in the Biff Burns Sports Room. In the moments that lie directly ahead, we shall be scrutinizing all the highlights and sidelights from the world of sports. In addition, we'll be chatting with one of the truly dominant figures in sports, Edgar Barhorst. And Edgar, suppose we begin with a most penetrating question: What have you ever done to become a truly dominant figure in sports?
BARNHORST [RAY]
Well, it's really not what I've done so far, Biff. It's what I'm about to do. I'm going to end all the legal fights over contracts and salaries that professional athletes have been getting into lately with the team owners.
BURNS [BOB]
Well, I'm sure that such an achievement would indeed be hailed by all the leaders of the sporting fraternity, including myself. But how do you propose to keep sports stars from getting into contract disputes with team management, Edgar?
BARNHORST [RAY]
Well, I've got an ingenious idea for doing that, Biff. You see...
BURNS [BOB]
(interrupting)
Excuse me for interjecting, Edgar. But before you begin, I'd just like to say that this is my show. And therefore, I'll make the decision as to whether your idea is ingenious or not.
BARNHORST [RAY]
Oh, sure, Biff. I didn't mean to be stepping over into your territory. But I'm sure you'll think the idea is pretty ingenious. You see, I plan to change the rules for all sports so they'll be a lot easier to play. Then, athletes won't have the nerve to demand so much money because they'll know they're not doing anything very difficult.
BURNS [BOB]
Well, that may or may not be an ingenious idea, Edgar. It all depends upon what you're talking about when you infer that sports will be easier to play under your proposed rules.
BARNHORST [RAY]
Well, I think basketball is a good example of what I'm talking about, Biff. Right now, you've got young guys just out of school squabbling with management over million-dollar contracts. And the only reason they're able to ask for that kind of money is because they're seven feet tall -- but they're still graceful and able to move around well.
BURNS [BOB]
Well, with all due respect, Edgar, I don't see how you propose to make a young man more clumsy if he has a natural tendency to be graceful.
BARNHORST [RAY]
Well, I think you'll see that's now what I'm proposing to do if you'll just clam up and let me explain the thing, Biff. You see, under my rules, the basket will be lowered about two feet. And guys will be allowed to run with the ball if they want to. And we may also make the basket bigger around so it'll be easier to score. That way, I figure any middle-aged man standing five-feet-six should have enough talent to play pro ball.
BURNS [BOB]
I see. And if this idea of yours proves to be as ingenious as you think —- this will cut down on unreasonable salary demands in the N.B.A.?
BARNHORST [RAY]
Well, sure it will, Biff. How can a guy demand a million bucks when he knows that almost every man in the country under the age of sixty is able to play as good as he does?
BURNS [BOB]
Well, that does indeed have all the superficial earmarks of being an ingenious idea, Edgar.
BARNHORST [RAY]
Thanks. I believe my new rules may have an even bigger impact on major league baseball. There, I plan to make the ball a lot bigger and softer -- kind of like a vollevball. Test results indicate that it'll take a lot less talent to play in the major leagues under those conditions.
BURNS [BOB]
I assume the ball will be easier to hit, and also to field, if it's large and soft.
BARNHORST [RAY]
That's right. As I say, I've got test results on that, Biff. We tried the proposed equipment in a Little League in my home town last season. And even the worst hitter batted nine twenty-seven. So I don't see how Rod Carew could ask for more than a couple of hundred dollars a week -- knowing that any eight year-old kid can play ball as good as he does.
BURNS [BOB]
Well, that's a fascinating concept for the imagination to toy with, Edgar.
BARNHORST [RAY]
Thanks, Biff. Coming from you, that means more than it would normally.
BURNS [BOB]
I suppose that's true. But there's one question that I continue tossing over in my mind. Why would the fans pay money to come out and watch sports that don't require any playing skill?
BARNHORST [RAY]
Well, I think the fans are going to have to lower their standards -- and stop expecting to see professional athletes who have talent.
BURNS [BOB]
I see. And do you expect the fans to cooperate by lowering their standards that way?
BARNHORST [RAY]
No. I don't think they'll do that, Biff.
BURNS [BOB]
I don't think they will, either. But thanks for stopping by to tell us about your impractical idea. And now this is Biff Burns saying that until it's time for our next get-together in the sports room, this is Biff Burns saying so long, fans.
SCENE 5: EINBINDER FLYPAPER, STUDIO - DAY
RAY
Say... here's good news for the busy gift shopper! Do you have trouble selecting just the right present for Christmas, birthdays, and other special occasions? Then why not offer the token of love and esteem that's welcomed by all —- a gift certificate for Einbinder Flypaper? They're available in denominations of ten, fifty, and one hundred dollars.
BOB
And they can be redeemed for whichever size and style of Flypaper best suits the needs of the recipient. Friends will love you for your thoughtfulness. And they'll also admire your good taste in selecting a gift certificate for genuine Einbinder Flypaper -- the brand you've gradually grown to trust over the course of three generations!
SCENE 6: SQUAD CAR 119, CAR INTERIOR - NIGHT
RAY
And now the Monongahela Metal Foundry, maker of extra shiny steel ingots for home and office use, invites you to ride with the men of Squad Car 119.
MUSIC: DRAMATIC POLICE THEME MUSIC. ESTABLISH AND UNDER FOR...
FINCH [BOB]
My name's Sam Finch. Me and my partner, Ralph R. Kruger, Jr., are the unsung heroes of the police force. We ride a prowl car at night -- winter, summer, spring, Labor Day -- always on the lookout for trouble. The other evening, we'd just gone on duty when my partner, Ralph R. Kruger, Jr., turned to me and said —-
MUSIC: THEME OUT.
KRUGER [RAY]
Sure be glad when this night's over, Sam. I haven't had any sleep in two days. Just lie there trying to think of a town in Washington that begins with "W."
FINCH [BOB]
What do you need to know that for?
KRUGER [RAY]
Well, I don't need to know it, Sam. It's just a way to get to sleep. You know, think of a town in every state that begins with the same letter as the state.
FINCH [BOB]
You mean like Philadelphia, Pennsylvania?
KRUGER [RAY]
No, Sam -- the same letter. Honolulu, Hawaii...Anchorage, Alaska... Milwaukee, Minnesota...like that.
FINCH [BOB]
Milwaukee's not in Minnesota, Ralph R. Kruger, Jr.
KRUGER [RAY]
Really? Well, there's some town up there next to St. Paul. I'll try to stay awake and think of it.
DISPATCHER [RAY]
Calling Car 119. Car 119. Go to the corner of Rossmore and LaBrea to meet the officers from Unit 71 and help apprehend a suspect.
KRUGER [RAY]
Gee, they want us to meet the guys from Unit 71, Sam. Have we ever met them before?
FINCH [BOB]
I don't think so. Sure would have worn my good suit if I'd known we were going to be meeting new people.
KRUGER [RAY]
I hate meeting people for the first time. Makes my palms get sweaty.
FINCH [BOB]
I know what you mean. I never know what to say to them. Wearing this rumpled suit just makes it worse.
KRUGER [RAY]
With me, the bad part is having to shake hands when my palms are sweaty. New people always notice sweaty palms right off.
FINCH [BOB]
Yeah. But you've got a knack with words, Ralph R. I never know what to say.
KRUGER [RAY]
Suppose I talk to them while you shake hands. Then they won't know I've got sweaty palms.
FINCH [BOB]
They'll still see my rumpled suit, though. Maybe if I just stayed in the car and reached out the window to shake hands.
KRUGER [RAY]
That might work. Boy, I sure hate meeting new people for the first time.
DISPATCHER [RAY]
Car 119! Car 119! Disregard that call to meet Unit 71 and help apprehend a suspect. The situation is now under control. The suspect has been apprehended, booked and brought to trial. In one moment, the results of that trial ...
MUSIC: FIRST BAR OF THEME.
BOB
And while we wait to hear the outcome of today's exciting case, here's good news for you homemakers.
You're well aware, I'm sure, that extra shiny steel ingots have been in short supply this season at your Monongahela Metal Foundry showroom.
But now we're happy to say that supply has nearly caught up with tremendous demand. Oh, you may still encounter a limit of 3 ingots to the customer in some scattered areas, but in most places your Monongahela agent will be happy to sell you as many as you need to replace those worn out old ingots you've been forced to use during the shortage.
So stock up today while there's a good selection.
DISPATCHER [RAY]
....The suspect apprehended in that case at Rossmore and LaBrea was convicted on three counts of being apprehended and one count of being a suspect. Apprehended suspects are punished under state law by a term of not less than five years in the correctional institution at Soledad.
MUSIC: DRAMATIC POLICE DRAMA THEME MUSIC. ESTABLISH AND UNDER FOR...
RAY
And so another desperate criminal is brought to justice by the unsung heroes of the police force -- the men who ride the squad cars at night.
MUSIC: THEME UP BRIEFLY AND THEN OUT.
SCENE 7: BOB & RAY SAY GOODBYE
MUSIC: INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC IN AND UNDER FOR...
BOB
Well, that's it for today, folks.
RAY
We hope you enjoyed yourself. We sure did.
BOB
Sure did.
RAY
So this is Ray Goulding, reminding you to write if you get work...
BOB
And Bob Elliott reminding you to hang by your thumbs.
MUSIC: ORGAN THEME UP AND OUT.
SCENE 8: AFTER THE EPISODE - COMEDY4CAST STUDIO
MUSIC: "AFTER THE EPISODE" MUSIC IN AND UNDER FOR...
"AFTER THE EPISODE" ANNOUNCER
Now, take a few minutes to relax with Clinton, after the episode.
CLINTON
Hey there. I hope you enjoyed that. It was a lot of fun and also nerve-wracking. Like Stan Freberg, Bob Newhart and Albert Brooks, Bob and Ray have been a big influence on me when it comes to comedy. But this project was the first time I've done an episode consisting entirely of someone else's work verbatim.
Compiling the material, I picked lesser known sketches. I was worried that if I attempted their most famous bits, I'd end doing them exactly the way Bob & Ray performed them, instead of interpreting the work "in their style".
The version I produced for the Mutual Audio Network contained an additional five short sketches.
If you're unfamiliar with Bob and Ray, here's as bit of background,. They began their careers working together on Boston radio station WHDH in the 1940's. Bob Elliott was a disc jockey and Ray Goulding was a newscaster.
Their often absurdist improv banter led to a gig filling air time when Boston Red Sox games were rained out. Hey, you have to start somewhere, right? It eventually led to their own weekday radio show "Matinee with Bob and Ray" in 1946. That cemented the billing order as Bob and Ray and it's where they coined their "write if you get work, hang by your thumbs" sign-off. The pleasant/unpleasant nature of the wording is just another example of their poking fun at tradition.
The duo eventually moved to New York City, where they were a on-air staple for over 40 years.
They also had their own TV show, did commercial voiceovers and even staged a hit Broadway show, "Bob & Ray, the two and only" in 1970, as well as playing Carnegie Hall in 1984. Because that practice paid off.
The duo won 3 Peabody Awards and were inducted into the Broadcasting Hall of Fame in 1995. And all that just scratches the surface of their careers.
You might also be familiar with Bob Elliott's son, Chris Elliott, probably best known for his work on "Late Night with David Letterman", as the cameraman in "Groundhog Day", and as the town mayor on the TV series Schitt's Creek. Chris's daughter, and by extension, Bob Elliott's granddaughter, Abby Elliott, was a Saturday Night Live cast member for four years. Now that is one long comedy lineage.
If you get a chance, check out some Bob & Ray material performed by the ACTUAL Bob & Ray. Their Broadway show "Bob & Ray, the two and only" is available as a audio recording made in front of a audience. It's a great place to start. It's available on Spotify. And I'll have a link in the show notes for this episode, The Bob and Ray Show.
OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO
MUSIC: 'END THEME'
CLINTON
That about wraps it up. But first, a very special shout-out to the folks who help power comedy4cast -- my Patreon patrons, including Producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast, Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast, Chuck Tomasi from the Technorama podcast and my latest producer, Kyle Nishioka. You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com. Or click on the link on the comedy4cast.com home page. What could be easier?
The Bob and Ray Show was written by Bob Elliot and Ray Goulding, with additional material by me, Clinton Alvord. I also did the voices and wrote the original music. Copyright 2025. All rights reserved.
Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!
MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.
=== THE END ===