comedy4cast #858
"Out Of Time For Odd"
Written by
Clinton Alvord
CAST
(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)
ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON
VINCE VanVough....................CLINTON ALVORD
INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO
MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING
ID ANNOUNCER
The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.
MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.
MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING
ID ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.
MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.
CLINTON
Oh, hi! Clinton here. Welcome to the Dog Days of Pumpkin Spice Season.
MUSIC: OPENING THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER.
CLINTON (cont'd)
Yes, August got away from me because -- life. So, this is my unofficial extension of Dog Days. For more information on that, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.
I always use Dog Days to give you 31 episodes full of some interesting, yet totally useless Odd News. And this year, to celebrate the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast, or PAC for short, I'll end each Dog Days episode with part of a classic comedy4cast episode. So, let's get started with "Odd News PAC"!
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.
SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.
STORY: THE REMAINING ODDS
CLINTON
Well, this is the last episode of 2025's Dog Days of Podcasting/Pumpkin Spice Season here on comedy4cast.
We've laughed. We've cried. We've said "What the hell? That was a real story?!"
And yes. They all were. You see, I spend months scouring the interwebs looking for Odd News to bring you the very best of the very weirdest. Unfortunately, I could only cover 30 stories during Dog Days, even though I've collected well over a hundred articles. And a lot of the time, I make a note about a story based on the headline alone.
Does that mean I'm susceptible to clickbait? Click here to find out!
What I like to do on the last day of Odd News is quickly tell you about some of the stories I didn't cover. Stories I picked based on the headlines alone. In fact, that's all I'm going to give you. The headline. You get to fill in the rest of the story by using the theater in your own mind. And, since we just heard him in the classic clip in our last episode, I've invited everybody's favorite super villain, Hyperloop, back to read the headlines for me.
Thank you, Mr. Loop.
HYPERLOOP
You're more than welcome. Anything for my fans.
CLINTON
Of course. The first thing everyone should know is that these stories ran the gamut. For every intriguing headline like ...
HYPERLOOP
"Mars rock fetches nearly $5.3 million at auction"
CLINTON
There was one like this, which happened to be found on a British website...
HYPERLOOP
"NASA intern stole £15.5m in lunar rocks to have 'sex on moon'"
CLINTON
For every headline that hinted at amazing things like...
HYPERLOOP
"Chinese Researchers Develop Innovative Self-Cleaning Glass"
CLINTON
Or..
HYPERLOOP
"Cannes red carpet gets second life as handbags, hats or slippers"
CLINTON
There were an equal number of headlines like this...
HYPERLOOP
"Estonian Supermarket Has a Giant Rock in the Middle of It"
CLINTON
And...
HYPERLOOP
"The World’s Stinkiest Bird Smells Like Cow Manure"
CLINTON
Here's one I found that you should be concerned about...
HYPERLOOP
"Woman claims ghost she's spoken to for 12 years says the world will end tomorrow" Hey, don't blame me! I'm pure evil, but I do it responsibly.
CLINTON
It's okay. That story's from May 26, 2025. I found some of the headlines a bit confusing in the way they were written. For instance, this one could mean a building is roaming around near the Embarcadero . Either that or it's making a very special guest appearance on an anime series.
HYPERLOOP
"Victorian House Moved Through San Francisco In One Piece"
CLINTON
And what about the tourist attraction that jumps out from behind a rock to scare you.
HYPERLOOP
"Abandoned 'Western Village' theme park stands frozen in time, startling visitors"
CLINTON
You might wonder if the Odd New stories have a kind of trends from year to year. Well, I haven't been keeping track of that. I mean, I have a life. But, I did notice that this year a number of stories did focus on one particular topic, based on THESE headlines...
HYPERLOOP
"Toothpaste spill shuts down North Carolina road"
CLINTON
As well as...
HYPERLOOP
"Virginia woman with rare allergy is hospitalized by mint toothpaste breath"
CLINTON
And this puzzler...
HYPERLOOP
"Woman Catches Husband Cheating with the Help of Electric Toothbrush"
CLINTON
Sometimes the headline focused on women, like these examples:
HYPERLOOP
"Woman Caught Transporting Pony in Back Seat of Car Refuses to Pay Fine"
CLINTON
Or...
HYPERLOOP
"Woman Hit by a Meteorite While Having a Coffee With a Friend"
CLINTON
And...
HYPERLOOP
"French Woman Stuck with English Accent 11 Years after Tonsil Surgery"
CLINTON
But, to be fair, sometimes the guys got the headline treatment:
HYPERLOOP
"Man Scammed into Buying 300 Years of Gym Membership"
CLINTON
Plus...
HYPERLOOP
"British Man Hasn’t Been Able to Fall Asleep for Two Years"
CLINTON
Or, this beauty...
HYPERLOOP
"55-Year-Old Man Elopes with Son’s Fiancee, Takes Family Jewels and Savings"
CLINTON
Kudo's for the innuendo. And sometimes the whole family got into the act...
HYPERLOOP
"California family sues funeral home after wrong body placed in uncle's casket"
CLINTON
It might just be me, but I'm assuming there are two identical stories out there about that incident.
And then there's this ...
HYPERLOOP
"Family Set Up Fake Dental Clinic, Perform Dozens of Procedures Using Online Tutorials"
CLINTON
Sometimes the headline told its own little story, just begging to be turned into a Hallmark movie:
HYPERLOOP
"Library Book Returned After 82 Years. Note Says, 'Grandma Won't Be Able to Pay for It Anymore'"
CLINTON
Well then, Grandma clearly wouldn't be able to take advantage of this one...
HYPERLOOP
"You Can Now Buy a $49,000 Electric Mercedes-Benz SL300 for Your Child"
CLINTON
And someday, if they're lucky, that child might be the subject of a headline like this...
HYPERLOOP
"Driver stopped in California for using a hand-drawn license plate"
CLINTON
And I leave you, here at the end of 2025's Odd New PAC (stay tuned for a classic clip) with these three genuine, certified, headline gems submitted with no commentary or follow-up...
HYPERLOOP
"Dartmouth Woman Finds Strange Single Slice of Pizza on Doorstep"
"Ned Is a Perfectly Nice Snail, but a Rare Shell Means a Doomed Love Life"
"Woman Swallows Eight Live Frogs to Cure Her Back Pain"
CLINTON
Thank you, Hyperloop.
HYPERLOOP
No problem. Does this mean I'm a recurring character now?
CLINTON
I'll get back to you on that. Eventually.
SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.
CLIP: EVERYTHING MUST GO-GO
CLINTON
And now, let's celebrate 20 years of comedy4cast with this classic clip!
This clip is from a December 2017 episode. And that's all you need to know.
SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.
VINCE
Hey there, Vince VanVough here for Everything Must Go-Go, the world's largest clearinghouse for stuff that must get gone!
SFX: BUGLE BLOWING MILITARY CHARGE MUSIC.
SFX: WHOOSH.
VINCE (cont'd)
The holidays are almost upon us.
SFX; SLEIGH BELLS.
VINCE (cont'd)
Or they're already here. Who am I to judge when you celebrate? But let's dog ear that for now.
SFX: SINGLE DOG BARK.
VINCE (cont'd)
Here at Everything Must Go-Go, we still have tons of inventory that we need to move before the end of the year. And we're desperate. Come in today for deals like this.
SFX: TOY TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS.
VINCE (cont'd)
Take 75% off our complete selection of men's and women's running shorts, running mediums, running longs, and running lates, and get 75% off our exclusive line of Jackson Brown relaxed fit running on empties. But be careful, the sizes run small.
SFX: CLOTH TEARS.
VINCE (cont'd)
How about a deal on firewood? Here's an entire cord. I believe it's B minor.
SFX: PILE OF WOOD TOSSED TO THE GROUND.
VINCE (cont'd)
Nope, C major 7th. Come in today and pick it up, because I'm not gonna... Save $5 on a designer handbag full of actual hands!
SFX: WOMAN SCREAMS.
VINCE (cont'd)
It goes great with our footlocker full of...
MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING.
VINCE (cont'd)
Gloves.
We've got low, low prices on 3K TVs, wireless beach balls, and touchscreen above ground pools.
SFX: SPLASH OF WATER.
VINCE (cont'd)
It's just a shame they ain't waterproof.
SFX; ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.
SFX: WOMAN SCREAMS.
VINCE (cont'd)
Don't miss out on a complete selection of double-pane windows. Each one is both irregularly shaped and scratched. Ah, what a set of pains!
SFX: GLASS BEING SMASHED.
VINCE (cont'd)
And save 30% on all fidget spinners.
SFX: FIDGET SPINNER SPINS.
VINCE (cont'd)
Come in today and pick up unlimited breadsticks. Hurry, supplies are limited.
Seriously, though, get in here. We're serving free hot chocolate. I found some Hershey bars in my back pocket.
SFX: SPLAT.
VINCE (cont'd)
How about 75% off these bedspreads, silk screened, with spreadsheets about sheet cakes? They can be yours. Just $5.99.
SFX: CASH REGISTER RINGS.
VINCE (cont'd)
We have all your entertainment needs on sale, too. Save on front row seats to see Ed Shearing. No, not Ed Sheeran. This is Ed, our local farmer friend. You can sit and watch him shearing sheep all day long.
SFX: SHEEP BLEATING.
VINCE (cont'd)
Looking for something for that sci-fi fan on your list? We'll sell you the plot to the next Star Wars movie. Now, technically, it won't be the actual plot, but their friends and YouTube subscribers won't know that for at least another year.
SFX: IMITATION OF A WOOKIE YELLING.
VINCE (cont'd)
And save 50% on all fidget spinners.
SFX: FIDGET SPINNER SPINS.
VINCE (cont'd)
Save big on a box of pencils, a roll of tape, a stack of paper. We've got it all. Heck, we'll even sell you staples. The whole company. And we'll toss in Kmart and Sears just to get them out of here.
SFX: CASH REGISTER RINGS.
VINCE (cont'd)
Looking for a grab gift? Save on our exclusive, discontinued, I Hate Friday's coffee mugs. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
SFX: CERAMIC MUG SHATTERS.
VINCE (cont'd)
While you're here, pick up a dozen Everything Must Go-Go gift certificates sith no value But that's okay, because no one ever uses these things anyway!
SFX: CASH REGISTER RINGS.
VINCE (cont'd)
And save 75% on all fidget spinners.
SFX: FIDGET SPINNER SPINS.
VINCE (cont'd)
Take 50% off our selection of self-help courses On how to break your addiction to self-improvement courses.
SFX: MICHAEL SCOTT YELLING "NO!"
VINCE (cont'd)
Pick up some of our stationary drones for the kids And if the kids tell you, hey, these are just desk fans, eh, they're probably right. A few years ago, we sold a few thousand soccer balls as do-it-yourself BB-8 kits.
SFX: ODD VOCALIZATION SOUND.
VINCE (cont'd)
Save on seating for your stand-up desk, triple-ply paper beach towels, a filter to separate your mixed martial arts, or a baby's arm holding an apple. And with every purchase, get a dozen free fidget spinners.
SFX: FIDGET SPINNER SPINS.
VINCE (cont'd)
Hurry into Everything Must Go-Go today. Don't try to visit our website. We sold it. It wasn't actually up for sale, but someone made us an offer and, well, we took it!
SFX: CASH REGISTER RINGS.
VINCE (cont'd)
That's the end of the year spectacular savings blowout now going on at Everything Must Go-Go. And remember, at Everything Must Go-Go, if it's here, it's gone!
SFX: JET PLANE ZOOMS PAST.
OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO
MUSIC: 'END THEME'
CLINTON
Thanks for listening to this year's Odd New episodes. If you have a comment, just call the Super Secret Phone Line at (213) 290-4451 and leave a message. But that about wraps it up for this year's Odd News PAC. But first, a shout-out to the comedy4cast Patreon patrons, including our producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast and Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast. You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com.
(213) 290-4451
Script, voices and original music by me, Clinton Alvord, Copyright 2025. All rights reserved. ]]]
Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!
MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.
-- THE END --