857-Day30

comedy4cast #857

"A Sorted Crime"

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON

SERIAL ANNOUNCER

HYPERLOOP

TWEET STORM

TARGET RUN......................CLINTON ALVORD

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER (cont'd)

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

CLINTON

Oh, hi! Clinton here. Welcome to the Dog Days of Pumpkin Spice Season.

MUSIC: OPENING THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Yes, August got away from me because -- life. So, this is my unofficial extension of Dog Days. For more information on that, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.

I always use Dog Days to give you 31 episodes full of some interesting, yet totally useless Odd News. And this year, to celebrate the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast, or PAC for short, I'll end each Dog Days episode with part of a classic comedy4cast episode. So, let's get started with "Odd News PAC"!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY: MIX AND MATCH MAYHEM

CLINTON

Today's Odd News story is perfect for Halloween. But it's not as scary as it first soundS. As usual, the story is true. Only the commentary has been changed to make it even odder.

SFX: DOOR BURSTS OPEN.

SFX: SHUFFLING OF FEET.

CLINTON (cont'd)

When police burst into the home of a Santa Rosa, California man, they encountered an legitimate crime scene.

MUSIC: EERIE MUSIC IN AND UNDER FOR...

CLINTON (cont'd)

One that could only be described as horrific. Well, I suppose it COULD also be described as ghastly. Oh, and hideous. That's pretty good. Um, grisly. Horrid. Did I say that? Ah, what about....

MUSIC: SUDDENLY HAULTS.

SFX: CONTROL ROOM VOICE MUMBLES SOMETHING.

CLINTON (cont'd)

What's that?

SFX: CONTROL ROOM VOICE MUMBLES SOMETHING.

CLINTON (cont'd)

What story?

SFX: CONTROL ROOM VOICE MUMBLES SOMETHING.

CLINTON

Oh, right.

MUSIC: EERIE MUSIC IN AND UNDER FOR...

CLINTON (cont'd)

The police entering that APPALLING crime scene found bodies everywhere, with their heads removed and lined up in rows.

There was an arm over there, a leg under the couch.

And yet, no blood.

Was it the work of a vampire? Because that would be a great tie-in with the Halloween theme.

Sadly, no. The individual behind this GRUESOME scene was an everyday thief, who had been under surveillance by authorities for almost a month.

And those headless bodies? Or body-less heads? Those were Lego mini figures. Or minifigs, to save a whopping one syllable.

This was one crime scene you wouldn't want to enter in your bare feet.

During the raid, officers found literally tens of thousands of loose Lego pieces and minifig characters, along with unopened boxes. The man had allegedly directed others to steal Lego sets from stores so he could resell the pieces online at a huge markup. Well, if they were stolen, I guess a penny would be a huge markup, but I think he was charging a bit more than that.

To anyone who buys Legos, this crime almost makes some kind of twisted sense. Collectors are willing to pay hundreds, if not thousands, for rare sets.

Detectives estimate they recovered about $6,00 worth of Legos from the house. An amount serious Lego maniacs refer to as "a modest entry-level collection."

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

CLIP: THE ULTIMATE TRAP

CLINTON

And now, let's celebrate 20 years of comedy4cast with this classic clip!

In an episode released in 2018, a band of evil-doers has assembled at the hideout of evil mastermind, Hyperloop. The mega-villain is hatching a plan to take his revenge against the 4K Kid, the very high definition of a superhero. Here's a clip.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

HYPERLOOP

Oh, that overactive Boy Scout thought he could defeat me, Hyperloop? Ha! I laugh. Ha! Ha! I assure you, fellow felons, with your help, we will crush the 4K kid once and for all. Ha! Ha! Ha! After all, how can I lose with such delightful delinquents by my side? My dear Tweet Storm.

TWEET STORM

Here.

HYPERLOOP

The ever-helpful Target run.

TARGET RUN

Yo, that's me. Hey, by the way, do you need anything while I'm out?

HYPERLOOP

And our newest supervillain, who comes highly recommended by the evildoer placement agency, Emoji. Introduce yourself.

SFX: POP SOUND, INDICATING AN EMOJI HAS APPEARED, AS IF FROM NOWHERE.

TWEET STORM

What's that?

HYPERLOOP

What?

TWEET STORM

That drawnin' that popped up over his head.

HYPERLOOP

I'm not sure. Emoji, what is that?

SFX: POP SOUND, INDICATING AN EMOJI HAS APPEARED, AS IF FROM NOWHERE.

TARGET RUN

Okay, now it's a... what? A tree? A piece of broccoli?

HYPERLOOP

Well, we'll figure that out later.

TWEET STORM

Yeah, enough with the speeches. What is your plan?

HYPERLOOP

Always quick to get to the point, eh, Tweet Storm? Must be those 280 characters. Here is my plan. I intend to lure the 4K Kid into a trap so deadly, so horrific, that he will literally fade and die.

TARGET RUN

A vat of acid?

TWEET STORM

A frozen lake?

SFX: POP SOUND, INDICATING AN EMOJI HAS APPEARED, AS IF FROM NOWHERE.

TARGET RUN

Or whatever a carousel horse means?

HYPERLOOP

Oh, those are all delightful guesses, but so mundane.

TARGET RUN

A carousel horse is mundane?

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CRESCENDO BEHIND HYPERLOOP AS HE REVEALS HIS PLAN.

HYPERLOOP

I, Hyperloop, intend to trap the 4K kid in...the Friend Zone.

TWEET STORM and TARGET RUN gasp in shock.

SFX: POP SOUND, INDICATING AN EMOJI HAS APPEARED, AS IF FROM NOWHERE.

TARGET RUN

How are you going to do that?

HYPERLOOP

Ah-ha! Simplicity itself! We will set up a distress beacon inside the zone. When the 4K Kid flies in to answer the calls, he will be trapped. Because as we know, the friend zone zaps all your powers.

TWEET STORM

That's great and all, but the friend zone is on the other side of the Great Live Stream. He can fly there, but we can't.

TARGET RUN

Yeah, and you can't swim across the Live Stream. The uneven rate and buffering will rip you apart.

HYPERLOOP

No problem. No problem. We are going to fly there, too.

TWEET STORM

Fly? Like in a plane? Oh, that's great. Where is it?

HYPERLOOP

Where is it? Ha! My dear Tweet Storm, you're standing in it.

TWEET STORM

I hate to burst your bubble, but this is just an abandoned warehouse on the edge of town.

HYPERLOOP

You are correct, until I press this button and put it in airplane mode.

SFX: CHIRP OF ELECTRONIC BUTTON.

SFX: TWISTING OF METAL, CRUMBLING OF BRICK WALLS.

SFX: NOISE RESOLVES TO THE SOUND OF A PROP-ENGINE PLANE.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That about wraps it up for today's Odd News PAC. But first, a shout-out to the comedy4cast Patreon patrons, including our producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast and Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast. You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com.

Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

-- THE END --