855-OddNews28

comedy4cast #855

"In Lieu Of Lair"

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER

MAGIC MIRROR....................COMPUTER
CLINTON

SPAMMY THE CLOWN................CLINTON ALVORD

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER (cont'd)

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

CLINTON

Oh, hi! Clinton here. Welcome to the Dog Days of Pumpkin Spice Season.

MUSIC: OPENING THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Yes, August got away from me because -- life. So, this is my unofficial extension of Dog Days. For more information on that, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.

I always use Dog Days to give you 31 episodes full of some interesting, yet totally useless Odd News. And this year, to celebrate the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast, or PAC for short, I'll end each Dog Days episode with part of a classic comedy4cast episode. So, let's get started with "Odd News PAC"!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY: CHANGING SPACES

CLINTON

In the song "One Call Away" Charlie Puth claims "Superman got nothing on me."

But here's news about something that might have one on Supe's arch rival, Lex Luthor. In 1978's "Superman: The Movie," Lex's lair is located at Metropolis's Grand Central Terminal. Well, 200 feet BELOW Grand Central Terminal, to be more precise. And if anyone ever discovered he was down there, it wouldn't be good.

But he could avoid all that now if he's willing to relocate to England. He can telecommute to his crimes, can't he? He'd just have to head to Oxford where he'd find accommodations that are far more legit. Smaller, perhaps. But legal.

That's because there's a street in Oxford with a median between the north and southbound sides of St. Giles.

SFX: ODD VOICE REPRESENTING THE CONTROL ROOM MUMBLES SOMETHING.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Hmm?

SFX: ODD VOICE REPRESENTING THE CONTROL ROOM MUMBLES SOMETHING.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Oh. They pronounce it "Giles".

SFX: ODD VOICE REPRESENTING THE CONTROL ROOM MUMBLES SOMETHING.

CLINTON (cont'd)

That's weird. Anyway, on that median strip you'll find cast iron railings that frame two sets of stairs.

The stairs were build in 1895, during the reign of Queen Victoria. They lead down to...a bank vault? A pocket dimension? Nope. Restrooms! Or at least that's where they DID lead until being taken out of service in 2008. And, quite frankly, that would have been the end of it, except the location got a new lease on life.

Now branded as The Netty, which is northern slang for toilets, the underground space has been completely renovated and turned into, quite possibly, England's smallest hotel.

The updated space has been divided into two suites. One has a bit of a pink theme, the other has some blue, to give a nod to the idea of men's and women's restrooms without being too obvious. But, other than that, it would be hard to guess the former life of these two subterranean lodgings.

Now they feature contemporary furnishings, and accent pieces with rich textures and custom details that were inspired by collections in Oxford’s Ashmolean (ASH-mole-ean) Museum, located right next door. Well, UPSTAIRS and next door. Because, remember, this hotel is underground. But even so, it is supplied with a bit of natural light, which comes filtering through pavement glass embedded in the median above.

See? Two suites. I'm sure Otis would be the first member of the gang to point out that one suite could be for Miss Teschmacher and the other for himself and his best bud, Lex. And I think Lex would love the idea. With one small change. But cheer up, Otis, I hear that you only have to travel a few kilometers down the motorway to reach the next nearest hotel. I believe it's in Otisburg-Upon-Faultline.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

CLIP: WORD OF THE DAY

CLINTON

And now, let's celebrate 20 years of comedy4cast with this classic clip!

This clip was part of an episode released in JULY of 2013. Say Hello to Spammy The Clown. Here's the clip.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

SPAMMY THE CLOWN has a funny-sounding voice, like the typical kid's show host. He is usually very upbeat and lively.

SPAMMY THE CLOWN

Hey boys and girls, welcome back from commercial. It's me, Spammy the Clown!

SFX: BICYCLE HORN HONKS.

SPAMMY THE CLOWN (cont'd)

I think it's time for me to visit my old pal Magic Mirror and get today's secret word. You wait right here.

MUSIC: SHORT TRANSITION STING.

SPAMMY THE CLOWN (cont'd)

Hello, Magic Mirror. It's me!

SFX: BICYCLE HORN HONKS.

Spammy the Clown!

MAGIC MIRROR can be cheerful at first, but her lonely life has clearly been weighting on her.

MAGIC MIRROR

Hello, Spammy It's good to see you.

SPAMMY THE CLOWN

And gee, Magic Mirror, It's good to see...myself!

SFX: BICYCLE HORN HONKS.

MAGIC MIRROR

That never gets old.

SPAMMY THE CLOWN

Wow, I've had an amazing day today! I met a fireman.

SFX: BICYCLE HORN HONKS.

SPAMMY THE CLOWN (cont'd)

Made a construction paper Eiffel Tower.

SFX: BICYCLE HORN HONKS.

SPAMMY THE CLOWN (cont'd)

And learned to sing "Frere's Jock, Uh".

MAGIC MIRROR

I just kind of sat here And stared at myself. In myself.

SPAMMY THE CLOWN

Magic Mirror, I think it's time for today's secret word.

MAGIC MIRROR

(turning a bit more serious)

Yes, I've been thinking about that.

SPAMMY THE CLOWN

(a bit concerned)

What do you mean, Magic Mirror?

MAGIC MIRROR

It's just that every time I give you a secret word, somehow, everyone in the country seems to know it within seconds.

SPAMMY THE CLOWN

What are you getting at?

MAGIC MIRROR

Well, if I didn't know better, I'd think you weren't keeping it a secret.

SPAMMY THE CLOWN

I don't know what you're talking about.

MAGIC MIRROR

Oh, don't you?

SPAMMY THE CLOWN

Come on, Magic Mirror, we can deal with this later, okay?

MAGIC MIRROR

When? You're only here for an hour or so every day, and then you leave. And I'm stuck here. Alone. In the dark.

SPAMMY THE CLOWN

Wow, that sounds pretty scary. And you know what I do when I'm scared? I sing a song.

(trying to sing "Frère Jacques" with his mangled lyrics)

Frere's a jock, uh. Frere's a...

MAGIC MIRROR

(interrupting)

Nope. That won't work this time. I want out of here. I want to see the world. Visit a farm. Have a day at the beach. Get dysentery on a stranded cruise ship.

SPAMMY THE CLOWN

Well, Magic Mirror, that's a lot to do. I don't think we can do all that right now.

MAGIC MIRROR

Alright. Let's start easy. Why don't we switch things up and have YOU tell ME the secret word? I'll be sure to keep it a secret.

SPAMMY THE CLOWN

I'm not sure that's a good idea, Magic Mirror.

MAGIC MIRROR

Okay. How about we start with me suing you for intolerable working conditions?

SPAMMY THE CLOWN

(laughing, appearing to capitulate)

Okay, okay. You win, Magic Mirror. We'll play it your way.

(beginning to whisper)

Here, let me just lean in here a little closer and I can whisper it to you.

MAGIC MIRROR

Wait. What are you doing with that giant sack of rubber chickens?

SFX: WHOOSH OF A SWINGING BAG.

SFX: SHATTERING OF GLASS MIRROR.

SPAMMY THE CLOWN

Uh-oh, boys and girls. It looks like Magic Mirror had a little accident. But that's okay, because I know today's secret word. Today's secret word is "Ungrateful". Wow, that's a big word. We'll be back tomorrow with a very special person sitting in for Magic Mirror. Her cousin, Siri.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That about wraps it up for today's Odd News PAC. But first, a shout-out to the comedy4cast Patreon patrons, including our producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast and Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast. You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com.

Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

-- THE END --