comedy4cast #854

"Cracking the Case"

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON

OLD MAN IN VIDEO

TEEN ONE IN VIDEO

KID ONE IN VIDEO

KID TWO IN VIDEO................CLINTON ALVORD

PROMO ANNOUNCER....................JOHN BELL

OLD WOMAN IN VIDEO.................BONNIE KENDERDINE

TEEN TWO IN VIDEO..................NATHAN ALVORD

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER (cont'd)

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

CLINTON

Oh, hi! Clinton here. Welcome to the Dog Days of Pumpkin Spice Season.

MUSIC: OPENING THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Yes, August got away from me because -- life. So, this is my unofficial extension of Dog Days. For more information on that, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.

I always use Dog Days to give you 31 episodes full of some interesting, yet totally useless Odd News. And this year, to celebrate the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast, or PAC for short, I'll end each Dog Days episode with part of a classic comedy4cast episode. So, let's get started with "Odd News PAC"!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY: GHOSTS AT THE SHELL

CLINTON

The sleepy community of Cape May, New Jersey. Located somewhere along the Jersey coastline, presumably between Cape April and Cape June. It's America's original seaside resort and boasts that it has the largest concentration of Victorian architecture in the U.S. It has over 600 Victorian-style buildings. It's all very whimsical and a fun look back at another time. Also, I'm guessing, it's a ghost-hunter's paradise.

So, it's disheartening that in a location filled with such fanciful things, a mysterious crime has occurred. It took place at the Ocean Putt Golf, a miniature golf course that gets 4.3 filled-in circles on TripAdvisor.

Sometime, in the dead of night, when Victorian-era ghosts come out to play...I don't know. Jenga? Can they hold Jenga blocks? Can they yell "Jenga"?

Where was I? Oh. Right. Ocean Putt Golf. At 4AM, two men broke in by climbing over the fence -- which proves it wasn't ghosts. Because if they were
Victorian-era ghosts they would have just walked through the fence. Yet not fallen through the ground to the center of the Earth. Go figure.

The two men walked over to one of the character statues that decorate the course. They grabbed it, rocking it back and forth until it came free of its foundation, then spirited it away. "Human'd it away? I mean, we've already ruled out ghosts. Right?

The statue was found several lots over, Its top hat and one of its hands had been broken off by the thieves. So far, police are baffled. Which means we're left to ask, who would have wanted to do this to the statue of humble, lovable nursery rhyme character Humpty Dumpty?

Well, what are some things we know about Mr. H. Dumpty? We don't know exactly when the rhyme was written, but we do know that, in 1868, American actor and dancer George L. Fox first performed his very successful pantomime of Humpty Dumpty on Broadway, in fact, it became his signature character.

MUSIC: THE TUNE TO "HUMPTY DUMPTY" IN AND UNDER FOR...

CLINTON (cont'd)

This tune to the rhyme was first published in 1870. And, in 1871, Humpty appears in Lewis Carroll's "Alice in Wonderland," cementing the look of the character as a giant egg with pants. Even though the rhyme never mentions that he's an egg.

Wait. When was the Victorian-era here in the US?

SFX: CLICK OF KEYBOARD KEYS.

CLINTON (cont'd)

The 1860's to around 1900. And all those events fit into that time period.

Well, I apologize. I was wrong. Apparently it was ghosts. Victorian-era ghosts who were upset that the statue of Humpty had never had a great fall.

Ugh. Ghosts are such jerks.

SFX: GHOSTLY LAUGHTER.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

CLIP: HOW DO I REACT TO THAT?

PROMO ANNOUNCER

We've all seen those YouTube videos of kids reacting to out-of-date technology like the Walkman and the Rotary Telephone.

SFX: PORTION OF A REACTION VIDEO, FOLLOWED BY...

PROMO ANNOUNCER (cont'd)

Aren't they adorable? And how about the ones where teenagers react to Nirvana?

SFX: PORTION OF A REACTION VIDEO, FOLLOWED BY...

PROMO ANNOUNCER (cont'd)

Adorable. And don't forget elders reacting to the song Selfie.

SFX: PORTION OF A REACTION VIDEO, FOLLOWED BY...

PROMO ANNOUNCER (cont'd)

But why stop there? That's right. We've decided to take this thing to a whole new level with elders commenting on kids reacting to technology.

SFX: PORTION OF A REACTION VIDEO, WHERE KIDS ARE TALKING ABOUT PHONES. DIALOGUE IS OVERLAID.

OLD MAN IN VIDEO

It's a phone, you dummy. Your dial with it.

OLD WOMAN IN VIDEO

Now, Chester, remember your blood pressure.

(listens to a bit of the video)

But they are kind of stupid.

PROMO ANNOUNCER

Or how about teens reacting to elders complaining about kids reacting to technology?

SFX: PORTION OF SAME VIDEO, ORIGINAL AUDIO AND ELDERS COMMENTARY PLAY AT THE SAME TIME.

TEEN ONE IN VIDEO

They're like so bitter.

TEEN TWO IN VIDEO

And they dress like the 1800s or something.

PROMO ANNOUNCER

Yep. We're riding this gravy train all the way to Prophet Province in Cash County with kids reacting to elders commenting on teens watching kids reacting to elders complaining about technology.

SFX: PORTION OF SAME VIDEO, ALL PREVIOUS VERSION OF COMMENTARY PLAY AT THE SAME TIME.

KID ONE IN VIDEO

Why ain't everyone talking at once?

KID TWO IN VIDEO

This is scary. Can I go outside and play?

PROMO ANNOUNCER

Not yet. Because we just figured out a new way to milk more Big Buck buckets of money from this digital cow. Announcing dogs reacting to cat videos.

SFX: PORTION OF A VIDEO PLAYS, WITH DOG BARKING AS IF GIVING COMMENTARY.

KID TWO IN VIDEO

But why can't I go outside and play?

PROMO ANNOUNCER

Because we need you to be a part of teens react to kids watching llamas react to dogs watching cat videos.

SFX: PORTION OF SAME VIDEO, ALL PREVIOUS VERSION OF COMMENTARY PLAY AT THE SAME TIME AND SOUND OF LLAMA AS IF REACTING TO VIDEO.

TEEN TWO IN VIDEO

That doesn't even make any sense!

PROMO ANNOUNCER

It doesn't matter. There's an audience somewhere out there for them. Oh, how about elders react to lab rats watching "An American Tail"?

SFX: PORTION OF A NEW VIDEO PLAYS, WHILE THE PREVIOUS VIDOE ALSO PLAYS. AND, AT THE SAME TIME, THE SOUND OF SQUEAKING MICE AS IF REACTING TO VIDEO.

OLD MAN IN VIDEO

I don't have a clue what they're doing.

PROMO ANNOUNCER

Neither do we, but we'll keep doing it because you keep watching it. How about sharks react to income tax forms? Or the square root of 12 reacts to lawn furniture while watching igneous rock react to Shakespeare?

(unsettling laughter)

Subscribe today!

PROMO ANNOUNCER continues to laugh as the audio fades.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That about wraps it up for today's Odd News PAC. But first, a shout-out to the comedy4cast Patreon patrons, including our producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast and Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast. You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com.

Lending their voices in this episode were John Bell, Bonnie Kenderdine and Nathan Alvord. Additional voices as well as script and original music by me, Clinton Alvord, Copyright 2025. All rights reserved.

Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

-- THE END --