851-OddNews24

comedy4cast #851

"Barking Brainiacs"

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER................COMPUTER
CLINTON

DR. MALCOLM EDELSTEIN....CLINTON ALVORD

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

CLINTON

Oh, hi! Clinton here. Welcome to the Dog Days of Pumpkin Spice Season.

MUSIC: OPENING THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

Yes, August got away from me because -- life. So, this is my unofficial extension of Dog Days. For more information on that, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.

I always use Dog Days to give you 31 episodes full of some interesting, yet totally useless Odd News. And this year, to celebrate the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast, or PAC for short, I'll end each Dog Days episode with part of a classic comedy4cast episode. So, let's get started with "Odd News PAC"!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY: THE PAWS THAT REFRESHES

CLINTON

Dogs. They have their own parks, their own paddle, their own days. Even their own "ma."

And they have something else. Brains.

But how much does a dog know?

That's the exact question Dr. Stanley Coren, PhD, and leading canine researcher set out to answer. Oh, and Dr. Coren is not a canine. He just does research with dogs. Uh, and that doesn't mean the dogs are holding clipboards and taking notes. They're just...Oh, never mind. I'm making it worse.

Speaking at the American Psychological Association’s Annual Convention, Dr. Coren gave a talk on the topic of "How Dogs Think". Coren shared how dogs have similar mental abilities to a human child aged between two and two-and-a-half years old. But pointed out that they are much better at fetching things. The average child needs lots of coaxing to go and bring something back, whereas the dogs are totally up for it 24/7.

Anyway, I think that's what he was getting at. Halfway through his talk he dashed off to chase a squirrel he saw outside the window. His study of 208 dogs shows they can learn 165 words, including signals, and the “super dogs” (those in the top 20 percent of dog intelligence) can learn 250 words".

Four studies he examined looked at how dogs solve spatial problems by modeling human or other dogs’ behavior when confronted with a barrier-type problem.

I think that means that dogs can figurep out ways to get you past that guy at the door outside the hot new night club in town.

Dr. Coren also states that dogs can count up to four or five. And they have a basic understanding of arithmetic and will notice errors in simple computations, such as 1+1=1 or 1+1=3. Meaning if you show a dog one piece of cheese and you hide it and then show it to him again saying "Look! More cheese!", you're not foolin' anyone.

All that's great news, but referring back to these papers, Dr. Coren says that particular breeds appear to be more intelligent than others. Oooh. Possibly thanks to their natural temperament and willingness to learn and obey.

Let's see -- he says that Border Collies are number one; Poodles are second, followed by, in order, German Shepherds, Golden Retrievers; Dobermans, Shetland Sheepdogs, and Labrador Retrievers. Way to hog the spotlight, Retrievers.

Now, if your dog isn't on that list, I wouldn't be overly concerned, I hear the person who compiled the list is out there, somewhere, chasing cars. OMG, he really IS a Canine Researcher!

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

CLIP: THE RETURN OF DR. EDLESTIEN

CLINTON

And now, let's celebrate 20 years of comedy4cast with this classic clip!

In this clip, from 2015, Dr. Malcolm Edelstein makes his triumphant return to comedy4cast after an absence of only...10 years. That's when he predicted the next big thing would be wireless pants. Let's check in on the good doctor.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

CLINTON

But I understand that now you've gotten out of doing predictions and you're actually involved with startup companies.

DR. EDELSTEIN

That's right. I'm putting my knowledge to work by making the future happen.

CLINTON

All right. Well, we're going to talk about a few of the things that people you're involved with have come up with recently.

DR. EDELSTEIN

That would be great. But can you turn up the heat in here? I'm a little cold without my pants.

CLINTON

I'll see what we can do. But let's get to your first item.

DR. EDELSTEIN

All right. First, I'm bringing an age-old technology into the 20th century.

CLINTON

The 21st century.

DR. EDELSTEIN

Hey, let's not get ahead of ourselves, all right? Now, first, there was the common pen, Then came the inevitable pencil. Then the erasable pen. Now a company I'm working with has invented the next logical step -- the permanent pencil!

CLINTON

The what?

DR. EDELSTEIN

Shocking, I know. But this beauty can make a mark that will never come off. Here, let me draw something on your shirt.

CLINTON

No, hey, whoa.

DR. EDELSTEIN

All right, all right, all right. I'll draw on this piece of glass.

CLINTON

No, that's my...

SFX: SQUEAKING OF OBJECT WRITING ON GLASS.

CLINTON

Tablet.

DR. EDELSTEIN

You should learn to take better care of it. Look, there's marks all over it.

CLINTON

You just put those there!

DR. EDELSTEIN

Yes, and they will not come off, because this is a permanent pencil.

CLINTON

Well, who would want this?

DR. EDELSTEIN

(slowly getting worked up)

Oh, I don't know. Maybe some fancy schmancy art students with their clever sketches, and they're showing off their talent, always laughing at me for my stick figure drawings. Yeah? Well, who's laughing now that you can't erase the basic shapes from your still-life drawing, huh? Who looks like the fool now?

CLINTON

Maybe it's best if we move on, Dr. Edelstein.

DR. EDELSTEIN

So, can I put you down for a dozen?

CLINTON

No.

DR. EDELSTEIN

Half a dozen?

CLINTON

I don't think so.

DR. EDELSTEIN

How about just one? I'll throw in a pencil sharpener shaped like Zach Galifianakis.

CLINTON

No.

DR. EDELSTEIN

All right, suit yourself.

CLINTON

What's next?

DR. EDELSTEIN

I'm super stoked about this one.

CLINTON

Please, I know you have a fedora on, but don't try to be hip.

DR. EDELSTEIN

Sorry. What I have here is a common nail file. We've all seen them. We've all annoyed others by using them at the dinner table. But they're just for nails, which is kind of limiting. So a company I'm working with has made one that's much, much larger. And here it is.

SFX: THUD OF SOMETHING LARGE BEING SET DOWN.

CLINTON

Wow, that thing is huge. What is it for?

DR. EDELSTEIN

This is the world's first hair file. Just a few strokes back and forth on your head will save you an entire trip to the barber or hairstylist of your choice.

CLINTON

Uh, does it work?

DR. EDELSTEIN

Are you kidding? Check out my head.

SFX: HAT BEING REMOVED FROM HEAD.

CLINTON makes a shocked sound.

DR. EDELSTEIN

Yeah, I know. Stunning, isn't it?

CLINTON

Um, should it be oozing like that?

DR. EDELSTEIN

I don't think so.

CLINTON

But I thought you said you were super stoked about this.

DR. EDELSTEIN

Hey, I was part of the failed Kickstarter on this thing. I've got 50 of them at home.

CLINTON

I see.

DR. EDELSTEIN

But one can be yours, and I'll throw in that Zach Galifianakis pencil sharpener.

CLINTON

No, let's move on to your last invention.

DR. EDELSTEIN

All right, my loss. Now, this one is extremely timely. I'm sure you've heard the recent news that Kraft is changing the formula for its macaroni and cheese.

CLINTON

Yes, I have. They're taking some of the artificial ingredients out.

DR. EDELSTEIN

Precisely. Or should I say, ex-mac-ly?

CLINTON

No, you really shouldn't.

DR. EDELSTEIN

Fair enough. Well, in the spirit of updating the tried and true, today I'm announcing the new and improved grapefruit.

CLINTON

The whoosie what now?

DR. EDELSTEIN

The new and improved grapefruit.

CLINTON

That's what I thought you said.

DR. EDELSTEIN

That's right. It's 35% more grape, 80% less fruit.

CLINTON

No, there isn't any grape. But wait, did you just say 80% less fruit?

DR. EDELSTEIN

No need to thank me.

CLINTON

No thanks intended.

DR. EDELSTEIN

You're welcome.

CLINTON

Well, I'd like to thank you for stopping in today, Dr. Edelstein. I'd like to, but I don't think I'm going to.

DR. EDELSTEIN

I get that a lot these days.

CLINTON

Yes, but I certainly look forward to having you back again, say, in 2025.

DR. EDELSTEIN

Maybe by that time, no one will be wearing pants.

CLINTON

We can only hope, I guess. Thank you again.

DR. EDELSTEIN

(off mic)

So, uh, I'm going to head over to Supercuts to see if they can do something about this. Do you think they have an urgent care unit over there? I'm getting a little dizzy.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That about wraps it up for today's Odd News PAC. But first, a shout-out to the comedy4cast Patreon patrons, including our producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast and Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast. You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com.

Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

-- THE END --