850-OddNews23-updated

comedy4cast #850

"The So-Low Solo"

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER................COMPUTER
CLINTON

JESS KRAZIER

CALLER #1

CALLER #2

CALLER #3................CLINTON ALVORD

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

CLINTON

Oh, hi! Clinton here. Welcome to the Dog Days of Pumpkin Spice Season.

MUSIC: OPENING THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Yes, August got away from me because -- life. So, this is my unofficial extension of Dog Days. For more information on that, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.

I always use Dog Days to give you 31 episodes full of some interesting, yet totally useless Odd News. And this year, to celebrate the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast, or PAC for short, I'll end each Dog Days episode with part of a classic comedy4cast episode. So, let's get started with "Odd News PAC"!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY: NO STRINGS ATTACHED

CLINTON

In the world of competitions, there are all types of champions. Baseball, Chess, Breakfast of, Spelling, Hot Dog Eating, Jeopardy. And music is no exception. There's American Idol, Australian Idol, Greek Idol, Indonesian Idol, Macedonian Idol, Idol Puerto Rico (I-dol), Deutschland sucht den Superstar (Deutchland szookdin Supahsat), you get the idea.

But there may be one world championship that you have never heard of. The prize is being crowed the best in the world at this particular skill. And it's something you may think your pretty good at it.

It's air guitar. You heard me. Air guitar. And, at this year's championship, held in Oulu, Finland, Finnish native Aapo "The Angus" Rautio brought the crown, uh, pick? back to the land of a thousand lakes for the first time since 2000.

Hang on, you say, that's great for Aapo, but, uh, what makes him better than me at air guitar?

Well, first of all, Aapo competed against contestants from 13 countries in the grueling three-day event. Contestants are judged on the performance of two songs in two separate rounds. But don't think you can bust into your well-rehearsed, epic Afterlife licks or sizzle with All Along the Watchtower..Nay nay. You're limited to 60 seconds. And although you can pick the first song, the second one is chosen for you. And that may very well be the pick of destiny.

But the competition is quite fair when it comes to the axe you want to grind. You may use an electric or acoustic air guitar. Or both!

And passion is an absolute must. Props and costumes are allowed, but backup bands and real instruments are off-limits. I mean, come on. Do you want to win this thing or not? The winner is chosen by a five-member jury of performing arts professionals. And they can spot a real guitar from miles away.

The Air Guitar World Championship was first held in 1996. Their organizers state that “according to the competition ideology, wars will end, climate change will stop and all bad things will vanish when all the people in the world play the air guitar.”

Well party on, dudes.

This year's grueling two-hour finals pit last year's winner, Canada's Zachary “Ichabod Fame” Knowles, against eight national champions and seven contenders who emerged from the qualifying rounds. The challengers include U.S. champion Saladin “Six String Sal” Thomas and German champion Patrick “Van Airhoven” Culek.

Contestants are judged on the performance of the two songs on a scale of 4.0 to 6.0. I guess that scale got a bit messed up in the translation from Finnish. It must be metric or something.

The jury takes into account “originality, the ability to be taken over by the music, stage presence, technical merit, artistic impression and Airness.”

And what do they win? Why an actual guitar of course.

I leave you with a bit of the winning performance, by Aapo "The Angus" Rautio.

Pause.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Okay. That's enough. We don't want to play the whole thing.

CLINTON

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

CLIP: THE CALLER OF MONEY

CLINTON

And now, let's celebrate 20 years of comedy4cast with this classic clip!

In this clip, from 2008, we hear Jess Krazier giving out some of his very questionable financial advice during his call-in talk show. Take it away, Jess.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

NOTE: JESS KRAZIER is always at 11. He is loud and slightly angry.

JESS KRAZIER

You're up!

CALLER #1

Yes, hello, Jess. Long-time listener, first-time caller.

JESS KRAZIER

Yeah, and I'm a first-time and last-time listener. What's up?

CALLER #1

Um, interest rates just keep falling.

JESS KRAZIER

I know! It's crazy, isn't it?

CALLER #1

Yes.

JESS KRAZIER

It's like that bear in those cartoons. That bear that keeps falling and falling over the cliff after he misses catching that bird. What's his name? What's that bear's name?

CALLER #1

Uh, Wile E. Coyote?

JESS KRAZIER

Yes! That's it! So, what's your question?

CALLER #1

Um, how can I be sure I'm getting the best rate possible on my money?

JESS KRAZIER

That's a great question.

CALLER #1

Oh, well, thank you.

JESS KRAZIER

To get the best rate on your money, charge everything to your charge cards.

CALLER #1

Really?

JESS KRAZIER

What? You think I'm kidding?

CALLER #1

Well, it's just that I...

JESS KRAZIER

(interrupting)

Look, bank interest rates are falling to what? One percent, half a percent? With credit cards, you can still get interest rates as high as 24% or higher. It's like they're totally out of touch with reality or something. You've got to get in on that before they come to their senses. Goodbye. Good luck. Next caller, you're up on Money Talks with me, Jess Crazier.

CALLER #2

Hello, Jess. I was just wondering, should I keep holding on to my stocks or sell them?

JESS KRAZIER

Now, when you say "holding on to your stocks", do you actually mean that you have them in your hand? Are you actually clutching them in your fist, holding them right out in front of you like J. Jonah Jameson holding a copy of a rival's newspaper when they get a scoop picture of Spider-Man?

CALLER #2

Well, no.

JESS KRAZIER

Good, because that would be kind of weird.

CALLER #2

So what about my stocks? Should I hold them or sell them?

JESS KRAZIER

Well, Jonah, may I call you Jonah? That really depends. If you think your stock has hit its very top price, you want to hold on to it. Do you understand? Top price, hold on to your stock. Chances are they're overpriced and absolutely no one is going to be interested in that. On the other hand, if your stock has hit rock bottom, sell it. That's when people will be interested.

CALLER #2

Really?

JESS KRAZIER

Come on, everybody loves a bargain.

CALLER #2

But I've always heard buy low, sell high.

JESS KRAZIER

And I always heard that the hills are alive with the sound of music. But I went up a hill and you know what I heard?

(imitates the sound of wid)

That's what I heard.

CALLER #2

But some of my stocks are in the auto industry. What'll happen if one of the Detroit car manufacturers fails?

JESS KRAZIER

Well, it's interesting you should mention that. I think people will be very, very upset about the loss of jobs, and they'll lament the death of an industry, even though they probably haven't bought a Ford, Chrysler, or Chevy since 1971. How the heck did you get two questions in, anyway? Goodbye, good luck. Next caller, you're up.

CALLER #3

Don't yell at me.

JESS KRAZIER

Why would I yell at you?

CALLER #3

You just seem so... so angry.

JESS KRAZIER

(taken aback, begins to calm down)

Do I? Is that really the way I come across?

CALLER #3

Yes!

JESS KRAZIER

Okay. Well then, let me calm down, relax, and put a smile on my face...

(back to normal loudness)

while I hang up on you!

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That about wraps it up for today's Odd News PAC. But first, a shout-out to the comedy4cast Patreon patrons, including our producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast and Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast. You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com.

Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

-- THE END --