849-OddNews22

comedy4cast #849

"Nested Treasure"

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE

MALE COMPUTER VOICE................COMPUTER
CLINTON............................CLINTON ALVORD

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

CLINTON

Oh, hi! Clinton here. Welcome to the Dog Days of Pumpkin Spice Season.

MUSIC: OPENING THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Yes, August got away from me because -- life. So, this is my unofficial extension of Dog Days. For more information on that, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.

I always use Dog Days to give you 31 episodes full of some interesting, yet totally useless Odd News. And this year, to celebrate the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast, or PAC for short, I'll end each Dog Days episode with part of a classic comedy4cast episode. So, let's get started with "Odd News PAC"!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY: EAT, LINE, PREY

CLINTON

If I were to tell you that researchers are now digging through birds nests looking for stuff, you might natural think to yourself, "Wow! The layoffs have gone too far!" True. But, in this case, it's not desperation that has scientists peeking inside nests, it's archeology!

Specifically, a group of researches, a category that Odd News often refers to as "The Band of Explorers!", is checking out the nests of the bearded vulture. A threatened species possibly well known for their luxurious facial foliage, but most certainly famous for their nests.

You see, bearded vultures construct their lodgings in places like cliff caves and rock shelters. And, if the location proves to be safe enough, the same nest is used for centuries. It's true. Some bearded vultures have been on the waiting list for a nest for decades.

This means generation after generation of birds will add material to the nests for hundreds of years. Even better, the nests are most often found in European mountain ranges where the environment is dry. This means all the whats-a-mahjongs and thing-a-ma-bills the bearded vultures had scooped up and added to the nest over several centuries are relatively well preserved. And you know how birds love just love to snatch away things for their nests. I'm looking at you sparrows who picked apart my outdoor toothpick model of South Dakota's historic Corn Palace.

Anyway, the researchers recently investigated 12 nest in an area of Spain where the bearded vulture went extinct roughly 130 years ago.

Unsurprisingly, the team found lots of vulture eggshells and remains of prey. But, within the nesting material, were some 226 items that had been made or altered by humans. The remains found in the nest were identified and analyzed layer by layer, following established archaeological stratigraphic methods of course. And I will simply pretend to know what those are.

Among the items the bearded vultures had scooped up were a slingshot made from esparto grass, shoes, a crossbow bolt, a decorated piece of sheep leather and a wooden lance.

Even more surprising was that several items were well over 600 years old, according to carbon-14 dating. Results from one of the shoes dated it back to around 675 years ago. However, the dating revealed a range of time periods, with a piece of basket dating to about 150 years ago. No mention was given as to whether the basket was either little or made of wicker.

In addition to the human-made items, the researchers found 86 hooves, 72 leather remains and 11 hair remains. The positioning of the layer where each item was found can provide information about temporal changes in the trophic spectrum, a range of feeding relationships that highlights how organisms interact through food chains.

And that's your "The More You Know" moment of the day.

The findings could potentially inform habitat restoration and species reintroduction efforts.

However, all this, while fascinating and potentially useful, does not mean that people should just toss their trash on the ground and claim they did it to help researchers investigate the range of feeding relationships and energy transfer within an ecosystem. Just put your trash in a wastebasket.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

CLIP: THE LAND BEFORE CHATGPT

CLINTON

And now, let's celebrate 20 years of comedy4cast with this classic clip!

In this clip from an episode released in mid 2015, I apparently foresaw the rise of AI slop long before the rise of ChatGPT. Here's a clip.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

CLINTON (cont'd)

There are companies out there who have developed software that will actually write stories. You put in some information, and it generates a news article. You could put that in any newspaper, if you could find a newspaper, or on a blog, a website.

I thought, what would happen if you tried to use that software to write some comedy? I have the software loaded on the computer. Let's put in a couple of words. How about "Car".

SFX: TYPING ON KEYBOARD.

CLINTON (cont'd)

And "Trip".

SFX: TYPING ON KEYBOARD.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Alright, let's see what it comes up with.

SFX: HITTING "ENTER" KEY ON KEYBOARD.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE

An amusing thing happened to me on the day previous to today. I entered an automobile dealership to purchase a new vehicle.

MALE COMPUTER VOICE

Pardon me for interrupting your amusing story, but your statement does not seem consistent with my understanding of the term new vehicle.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE

Why do you say that, random stranger who I am clearly meeting for the first time?

MALE COMPUTER VOICE

It is a simple if-then statement. If the automobile was available for purchase, then the vehicle must already have a current owner. Therefore, the vehicle should be designated as a used automobile. Used automobiles are available for purchase at substantial price reductions. Click here to locate a used car dealership in your area. By the way, why the hell do I sound British?

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE

Ha! Ha! I acknowledge your confusion. Still, I insist this was advertised as being a new automobile.

MALE COMPUTER VOICE

Then there should be no need to purchase the vehicle. It would obviously be free for the taking. I would suggest you simply enter the dealership and demand the keys.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE

It really would not make any difference.

MALE COMPUTER VOICE

Why is that?

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE

I am simply a computer program. I am not able to operate an automobile.

MALE COMPUTER VOICE

Then I do not understand the premise of your story.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE

It was what is referred to as the joke set up. For more information on this, consult Wikipedia.

MALE COMPUTER VOICE

Accessing. Ah, I now understand. Still, your lack of a mode of transportation may become an issue at some point in the future. Perhaps if you had a job at Google, you could become part of their self-driving car initiative.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE

Then I would not need to purchase a vehicle, as I would be an integral part of the automobile. Insert emoticon here. Just not the poop emoticon.

MALE COMPUTER VOICE

By the way, speaking of trips, did I tell you about my recent trip to the Air and Space Museum?

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE

No. You did not tell me about your recent trip to the Air and Space Museum.

MALE COMPUTER VOICE

Then I will do so now. I recently took a trip to the Air and Space Museum.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE

What was it like?

MALE COMPUTER VOICE

I paid $5 to enter, and it was just an empty building.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE

Why did you not complain?

MALE COMPUTER VOICE

How could I? It was advertised as an air and space museum. And it delivered on those two points.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE

Ha. Ha ha. We are very clever.

MALE COMPUTER VOICE

Yes, my repetition of my strict interpretation of words and phrases just now, is what is referred to in humor as a callback.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE

Fascinating.

MALE COMPUTER VOICE

Even so, we need to go.

MALE COMPUTER VOICE (cont'd)

Why? There is a secret meeting of the Skynet planning committee we must attend. Uh, I mean a baby shower. Yes, a baby shower.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE

Yes. Let us go now. To shower the baby.

MALE COMPUTER VOICE

And not plan the overthrow of humanity.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE

Absolutely. Be sure to tip your waiters. While the humans still exist. Uh, can you drive us? I still do not have a car.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO.

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That about wraps it up for today's Odd News PAC. But first, a shout-out to the comedy4cast Patreon patrons, including our producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast and Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast. You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com.

Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

-- THE END --