848-OddNews21

comedy4cast #848

"660 Miles"

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON

BOB DUNSTER

PROF. PASTERNAKLE...............CLINTON ALVORD

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

CLINTON

Oh, hi! Clinton here. Welcome to the Dog Days of Pumpkin Spice Season.

MUSIC: OPENING THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Yes, August got away from me because -- life. So, this is my unofficial extension of Dog Days. For more information on that, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.

I always use Dog Days to give you 31 episodes full of some interesting, yet totally useless Odd News. And this year, to celebrate the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast, or PAC for short, I'll end each Dog Days episode with part of a classic comedy4cast episode. So, let's get started with "Odd News PAC"!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY: KEEP ON TRUCKIN'

CLINTON

If you've never heard the term "rustomod", you might think it's the latest internet-advertised cleaning product. And maybe your right. But, in this context it means the restoration AND modification of a classic car. Kind of like putting 32 Gigabytes of memory into a Commodore 64.

And for one Texas driver, the automobile rustomod of his dreams was about to become a reality.

The man had recently retired and was looking to own a rustomod. But not just any mashup. Oh, no. He was looking for
a 1962 Ford F-100. But, to make matters more difficult, he didn't want to do the restoration and modifications himself. He wanted to find an F-100 update that had already been completed.

And, after months of searching, he found it! It was at a dealership that was 660 miles away; A distance in Texas that is referred to as "right around the corner".

The 1962 Ford F-100 was for sale by Hard Rock Motors in Traynor, Iowa. And here are a few specs: The pickup now featured a 4.6-liter Single Overhead cam V8 engine that had been transplanted from a Mercury Grand Marquis and paired with a 4-speed automatic transmission, air conditioning, rack and pinion power steering and power disc brakes.

The suspension setup was modernized with parts taken from a Mustang GT S550.

And the interior now featured digital gauges, a plush bench seat, shoulder belts, new tinted glass, bluetooth stereo and Ford 18-inch wheels.

It's unclear how the issue of the pickup's "wrongbed" was addressed. You see, the 1961 through 1966 Ford F-100's featured a new design that combined the cab and bed into a single welded unit. It gave the vehicle a rather unique look. And while some contemporary pickups have used this same idea, Ford's original implementation had some issues. Like, if he truck bed was full, the cab doors wouldn't open or close. Body panels ripped and the frame was not sufficiently rigid, and could twist out of shape if loads were too heavy.

But none of that mattered. The man flew from Dallas to the dealership in Iowa, spent some time test driving and inspecting the truck and then, purchase papers in hand, set off on the 660-mile trip home.

And what a trip it was. The new owner described it as "perfect roads, beautiful scenery, and other car guys -- and a few gals -- asking about it at every fuel stop."

Now, I know you're expecting me to tell you that something happened to the truck on the way home. Like maybe it was stolen, or he put an elephant in the wrongbed. But nope. The trip was great.

Oh, but then, the next morning, when the owner and his wife took the truck out
to run a quick errand, they had a collision with another vehicle. Fortunately everyone in both vehicles was fine, but about a foot of the front end of the truck was now just a pile of twisted metal.

Bright side? In addition to everyone being okay, the truck was not actually totaled. It's now in the hands of a specially repair shop. And when it emerges, we suspect it's errand-running days are over.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

CLIP: CRITICAL CANDIDATE DENSITY

CLINTON

And now, celebrate the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast with this PAC clip!
In this clip from June of 2015, Bob Dunster interviews Prof. Wilfred Q. Pasternakle. They discuss the impact that 619 people running for President will have on each candidates campaign strategy. And yes, if it had been 660 people, that would have been one sweet tie-in to the previous story. Anyway, here's the clip.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

BOB DUNSTER

Senator Donald Bileduck has just thrown his hat into the ring and has announced that he is running for president of the United States. That brings the current number of people currently in the race to 619. While most people think this is ridiculous, our guest thinks it's a good thing. He's Professor Wilford Q. Pasternakle of the Harvard Yard political think tank, Wazzup. Welcome, Professor.

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

Well, thank you, Biff.

BOB DUNSTER

Uh, it's Bob.

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

Hey, whatever you say, Bill.

BOB DUNSTER

Now, Professor, I...

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

(interrupting)

I'm not going to tell you how to run your life.

BOB DUNSTER

Now, Professor, there are over 600 people running for President of the United States.

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

Yeah, sounds like a marathon, doesn't it?

BOB DUNSTER

Yes, and that seems like too many people. But you say it's a good thing.

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

Yes, it is, Barney, because we're about to reach what I call critical candidate density.

BOB DUNSTER

What is that?

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

What? Did you hear something?

BOB DUNSTER

No, I mean, what is...

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

Because I did. I think it was the sound of one hand clapping. And that sound sounds like this.

SFX: HAND RAPIDLY OPENING AND CLOSING.

BOB DUNSTER

No, I mean, what is critical candidate density?

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

Funny? I was just talking about that. Critical candidate density, or as I like to call it, critical candidate density, is the point at which the number of people in the race constitutes an actual percentage of the voting public.

BOB DUNSTER

Well, I don't understand. All candidates represent a certain percentage of the voting public. Those are the people that support them in their bid.

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

Did you say bibs?

BOB DUNSTER

No. I said bid.

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

Because it clearly sounded to me like you said bibs, which would be very weird.

BOB DUNSTER

Getting back to your theory.

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

Right, Bartholomew. I'm with you. I didn't mean some theoretical number of people supporting each candidate. I mean that since so few people vote these days, if each of these candidates votes, their sheer numbers can sway the election.

BOB DUNSTER

Oh, I see. And why is that a good thing?

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

I'm glad you asked, Buford.

BOB DUNSTER

Well, good.

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

Okay, don't get all proud of yourself, Benji. It was just a question.

BOB DUNSTER

Sorry.

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

Apology accepted. The reason this is a good thing is because every candidate must now look at all the other candidates not only as opponents, but as constituents.

BOB DUNSTER

And?

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

And if there's one thing politicians know, it's you never want to tick off a voter. You can't run a negative ad about someone you're trying to sway to vote for you. You can't be a big show-off and win a debate against people who could possibly vote for you. That would be political suicide.

BOB DUNSTER

I see.

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

I'm glad.

BOB DUNSTER

So, what do you think will be the ultimate outcome of this Critical Candidate Density?

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

A phrase which I must point out is obviously catching on, since I've heard it several times in the last few minutes alone.

BOB DUNSTER

Uh...

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

What will happen, Bilbo, is someone will swoop in at the last second and charm the heck out of everyone and win.

BOB DUNSTER

And any thoughts on who that might be?

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

Let's just say, all hail Tom Hanks!

BOB DUNSTER

Uh, I don't think so.

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

You mark my words, Bonzo. There'll be a Woody in the Oval Office real soon.

BOB DUNSTER

On that note...

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

Wait, why is your producer giving me that cut-him-off sign?

BOB DUNSTER

I'd like to thank you, Professor, but that's probably not a good idea.

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

Oh, I see what I did. Hey, get your mind out of the gutter.

BOB DUNSTER

Thank you, and good night.

PROF. PASTERNAKLE

Maybe I should have gone with All hail Josh Groban.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO.

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That about wraps it up for today's Odd News PAC. But first, a shout-out to the comedy4cast Patreon patrons, including our producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast and Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast. You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com.

Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

-- THE END --