844-Aug17-Sun

comedy4cast #844

"How To Handle Heat"

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON............................CLINTON ALVORD

BONNIE.............................BONNIE KENDERDINE

NATHAN.............................NATHAN ALVORD

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

CLINTON

Oh, hi! Clinton here. Welcome to the Dog Days of Pumpkin Spice Season.

MUSIC: OPENING THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Yes, August got away from me because -- life. So, this is my unofficial extension of Dog Days. For more information on that, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.

I always use Dog Days to give you 31 episodes full of some interesting, yet totally useless Odd News. And this year, to celebrate the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast, or PAC for short, I'll end each Dog Days episode with part of a classic comedy4cast episode. So, let's get started with "Odd News PAC"!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY: THE PAUSE THAT CONFUSES

CLINTON

You've probably seen a movie or cartoon where someone is trekking through the desert --

SFX: FOOTSTEPS IN SAND.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Their canteen empty -- often the result of a hole made by a stray bullet --

SFX: RICOCHEET.

CLINTON (cont'd)

there are vultures circling overhead,

SFX: CRY OF RAPTOR.

CLINTON (cont'd)

And they hear the sound of a rattlesnake or maracas every time they look up at the Sun.

SFX: RATTLESNAKE OR MARACAS.

CLINTON (cont'd)

By the way, why do they look up at the Sun? Are they wondering why it's so hot and bright? Because those are pretty much the things the Sun is known for.

Anyway, hungry, thirsty and tired, the traveler suddenly stops and rubs their eyes.

SFX: SQUEEKING OF GLASS BEING CLEANED.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Are they seeing what they're seeing? There, on the horizon, an tropical oasis. It's an aesthetically-pleasing mix of lush vegetation, plus a right-sized pond of water. The wanderer rushes towards the sanctuary.

SFX: FEET RUNNING IN SAND.

CLINTON (cont'd)

And it's only after they have tried to drink or dive into the water that they discover it's all just a mirage.

SFX: OBJECT PLOWS INTO THE SAND.

CLINTON (cont'd)

An optical illusion caused by the bending or refracting of light. Or, in this case, special effects and set design.

MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS IN SAND.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Now, picture yourself in a similar situation, walking through an African desert. It's then that you spot a pink refrigerator and a matching metal table with two chairs. You rub your eyes, assuming the image will disappear.

SFX: SQUEEKING OF GLASS BEING CLEANED.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Nope. Still there. Cautiously approaching, you decide to try to grasp the fridge door handle. It feels real.

SFX: REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPENS.

CLINTON (cont'd)

You swing the door open and discover that there are refreshing drinks inside.

SFX: OPENING OF ALUMINUM CAN.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Have you gone over the edge? No, no, no. You've just discovered the refrigerator that was installed by the Namibian government's tourist board. It's located about a 20-minute drive from the main North/South road that runs through the Namib Desert.

The pink refrigerator is powered by solar energy and was designed to be an actual oasis in the desert for weary travelers. The fridge is restocked several times a day with various drinks, such as bottled water and iced tea. And it is all free of charge. At least for now.

Because the Barbie-pink fridge has become a popular spot for Instagramming, and it can often be empty by the end of the day.

So, you decide to relax. Even snap a selfie to share with the world.

SFX: CAMERA SHUTTER.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Then, you sit down to take in the view.

SFX: SIZZLING BACON.

CLINTON (cont'd)

When you remember that the Sun heats up everything in the desert, including metal chairs!

Woo hoo hoo!

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

CLIP: THE PLAN

CLINTON

And now, let's celebrate 20 years of comedy4cast with this classic clip!

In June of 2006 I gave you, the listener, a glimpse into how I go about visiting a theme park. My family swears this isn't a sketch, it's a documentary. Here's a clip.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Okay, team, we need to review our performance out there today.

BONNIE

Oh, dear.

CLINTON

Let's start off with the rope drop when the park opened. You were a little slow off the mark there, kiddo.

NATHAN

Sorry, Dad, I think I fell asleep.

CLINTON

Well, you should have hit the hay a bit earlier last night. We discussed getting to the park before the official opening time, now didn't we?

NATHAN

Yeah, but I didn't know you meant four hours ahead of time.

CLINTON

Sometimes Disney changes their mind at the last minute and the park opens early.

BONNIE

Early? The nighttime cleaning crew asked us to move aside so that they could get into the park.

CLINTON

Now, now, no need to dwell on this subject. Let's move on. Once we got to the hub, there seemed to be some confusion. Bonnie, you started to head off towards Fantasyland. What was up with that?

BONNIE

I couldn't read some of your handwriting on the touring plan. All I could make out was mountain. So I headed off toward the mountain.

CLINTON

We were going to Space Mountain. You were headed toward the Matterhorn.

BONNIE

But that looks more like a mountain than Space Mountain. Space Mountain looks like a spaceship.

CLINTON

Are you questioning the logic of the Imagineers?

BONNIE

(contrite, with a sigh)

No.

CLINTON

Good.

BONNIE

(under her breath)

It still looks like a spaceship.

CLINTON

And what was the holdup in Frontierland?

BONNIE

I wanted to take a few pictures.

CLINTON

People with photography skills far greater than ours have spent thousands of dollars to take millions of pictures of Disneyland. When we get home, we'll do a Google search and grab some.

BONNIE

But we're not in those pictures!

CLINTON

That's what Photoshop is for. Right now, we need to stick to the touring plan.

NATHAN

Uh, Dad, can we eat soon? All I had today was a churro.

CLINTON

Well, I had lunch on the plan, but someone forgot to call ahead for the 11:18 reservation at the Blue Bayou restaurant.

BONNIE

That was on your to-do list.

CLINTON

No, it wasn't.

BONNIE

Yes, it was. You told me the items on the list with a Mickey head beside them were yours.

CLINTON

Right. And the ones with the Minnie head were yours. And see, there's a Minnie head right beside Blue Bayou. See the red bow?

BONNIE

That's not a bow. It's pasta sauce. You spilled some when you were reworking the plan for the hundredth time at dinner last night.

NATHAN

I'll eat it. I'm so hungry.

SFX: CRUNCHING OF PAPER, AS IF BEING EATEN.

NATHAN makes chewing noises, enjoying getting at least something to eat.

CLINTON

Well, wasn't it worth it? I didn't hear anyone complain when I got those great spots for the fireworks.

BONNIE

Of course you didn't hear it. You had us hold the spot while you went off to ride Buzz Lightyear 15 times.

CLINTON

Oh, are we jealous? I finally beat your high score. Almost.

BONNIE

Look, it's been a long day. I've been spun, splashed, spooked, spieled, and shuttled. I've had a giant boulder roll at me, the Death Star shoot at me, 300 audio-animatronic children sing at me, and now our son is eating a touring plan.

NATHAN

Good.

BONNIE

Can we please go to dinner?

CLINTON

All right, all right. But first, I think we need to review tomorrow's touring plan.

NATHAN

Oh, no!

BONNIE

Oh, no!

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO.

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That about wraps it up for today's Odd News PAC. But first, a shout-out to the comedy4cast Patreon patrons, including our producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast and Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast. You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com.

Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

-- THE END --