841-14

comedy4cast #841

"This SUV Cooks"

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON

PROF. RUFUS T. SERENITY

RIGATONI........................CLINTON ALVORD

DUSTY..............................HIMSELF

MILDRED............................BONNIE KENDERDINE

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

CLINTON

Oh, Hi! Clinton here. Welcome to the Dog Days of Pumpkin Spice Season.

MUSIC: OPENING THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Yes, August got away from me because -- life. So, this is my unofficial extension of Dog Days. For more information on that, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.

I always use Dog Days to give you 31 episodes full of some interesting, yet totally useless Odd News. And this year, to celebrate the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast, or PAC for short, I'll end each Dog Days episode with part of a classic comedy4cast episode. So, let's get started with "Odd News PAC"!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY: PIZZA IN THE BACK

CLINTON

Lexus automobiles. A symbol of luxury for well over three decades, with innovations like ceiling air diffusers, telematics services and electroluminescent Optitron gauges -- whatever the heck any of those things are.

Well now you can add one more feature to that list, because Lexus has joined forces with luxury appliance maker Monogram to create the appropriately named Lexus Monogram GX.

This luxury Sports Utility Vehicle, or S.U.V. as the kids call it, features two-tone camel leather with a custom pattern throughout the interior. There is an emphasis on brass and titanium metal, and Denton slate stone accents. You now, just what you need in a class of automobile designed to be a jack of all trades. So toss in these 2-by-4's from Home Depot and let's go!

But where was I? Ah, yes. All that pales in comparison to the the key feature of the Monogram GX. Because once you get past all that fancy car stuff, you'll find some fancy appliance stuff. Namely a handcrafted, 30-inch hearth oven that runs on electricity. That's right. There's a pizza oven in this SUV.

But what good is pizza without a bottle of wine? Fortunately, the Lexus Monogram GX also includes a rear cold drawer and an additional cold console compartment to add the flexibility to have the chilling space you need for ingredients and wine.

But what good is all THAT without the proper table settings? Not to worry. The built-in plating stations features cutlery and trash storage areas inside the trunk of the GX.

There's no word on the exact price of the Lexus Monogram GX, but how can you even begin to put a price on a vehicle you can practically live in? Maybe down by the river, drinking a bottle of sad wine or eating your pizza pie with your greasy hand on the steering wheel and tossing your trash into the trunk.

Oh, rich people, you are clearly so much better than the rest of us.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

CLIP: THE MARX OF A GOOD BIT

CLINTON

And now, let's celebrate 20 years of comedy4cast with this classic clip!

This clip, from June of 2006, played off the fact that it was graduation season. And so I dusted off my Marx Brothers impressions -- I think my Harpo was spot on -- and imagined Grouch as Professor Rufus T. Serenity, giving the commencement at his college.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

MILDRED

Professor, you must address the students. They are waiting for your learned words of inspiration.

PROF. SERENITY

Let them wait. Can't you see what I'm trying to say, Mildred? I love you. As long as you're as rich as Oprah. Actually, looking at you, I think you swallowed Oprah.

MILDRED

Your display of affection is most unprofessional.

PROF. SERENITY

Of course it's unprofessional. If I wanted to be a professional, do you think I would have come to this college? Speaking of which, I must address the students.

PROF. SERENITY (OVER P.A.)

Dear class of... What year is this?

SFX: HORN HONKS.

PROF. SERENITY (OVER P.A.) (cont'd)

Really?

SFX: HORN HONKS.

PROF. SERENITY (OVER P.A.

How time flies when you're increasing tuition. Ah, as I gaze upon you all in your graduation attire, I'm reminded of how proud I am. Of the fact that I own a cap-and-gown rental company. In by ten, out in four years.

RIGATONI

Hey, you rented those things?

PROF. SERENITY

This is no time for a business lesson, Rigatoni. Now beat it.

RIGATONI

What do you call those things on their heads?

PROF. SERENITY

Those square things?

RIGATONI

That's it.

PROF. SERENITY

I know I'm going to regret this, but they're called mortarboards.

RIGATONI

That's a pretty good deal, huh?

PROF. SERENITY

How's that?

RIGATONI

After the show, they can put them in their computers.

PROF. SERENITY

Come again?

RIGATONI

You know, you get the graphics card, the sound card, and the mortarboard.

PROF. SERENITY

It's my fault. I should have told them they were Flat Stanleys. Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

PROF. SERENITY (OVER P.A.

Students, as you head out into the world, remember, keep your eyes on your dream, keep your feet on the path, keep your nose to the grindstone, and keep your medical insurance up to date. Speaking of dates, what's a guy got to do to get a drink around here? I'd even settle for some lemonade.

RIGATONI

We gotta no lemonade. How'd you like some financial aid?

PROF. SERENITY

Oh, no. I got roped into that the first four times I went to college. You can't trick me again.

RIGATONI

Yeah, you're too smart for that. Right, Dusty?

SFX: HORN HONKS.

PROF. SERENITY

I can get you a little something for that, just as soon as I graduate from medical school.

RIGATONI

Hey, I hear that's pretty expensive.

PROF. SERENITY

You're right. I'll need financial aid. Can you hook me up?

RIGATONI

No, I'm sorry. I'm out of that business now.

PROF. SERENITY

Oh? What do you do these days?

RIGATONI

I'm a ghostwriter for graduation speeches.

PROF. SERENITY

I think we all saw that one coming.

MILDRED

Professor, the students are becoming restless.

PROF. SERENITY

Have them all think about the fact they're all going to have to look for a real job now. That ought to keep them quiet.

MILDRED huffs.

PROF. SERENITY (cont'd)

So, uh, how much would you charge me for a graduation speech?

RIGATONI

Normally it's $2,000. But for you, I get a special. $5,000.

PROF. SERENITY

That's your special deal, huh?

RIGATONI

Yeah, I don't offer that to everyone.

PROF. SERENITY

I'll give you a buck ninety five and my dining hall pass.

RIGATONI

Done.

SFX; RUSTLE OF PAPER.

RIGATONI (cont'd)

Here you go.

PROF. SERENITY

Uh, there's nothing on this paper.

RIGATONI

That's okay. Nobody she's listening anyway.

PROF. SERENITY

Rigatoni, I think you're onto something.

PROF. SERENITY (OVER P.A.

So in conclusion, I'd like to remind all of you that alumni dues are payable before you get your diploma. Make the check out to me, and I'll make sure the funds are misappropriated as soon as possible. Hooray!

SFX: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That about wraps it up for today's Odd News PAC. But first, a shout-out to the comedy4cast Patreon patrons, including our producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast and Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast. You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com.

Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

-- THE END --