836-Aug09

comedy4cast #836

Odd News PAC for August 9, 2025

"The Scarlett Speaker"

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON

JAKE FILBUSTER..................CLINTON ALVORD

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

MUSIC: OPENING THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

It's time, once again, for the Dog Days of Podcasting, a call for podcasters to try to put out a podcast every day in August. For more information and to hear all the shows, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.

We always take this month to provide you with some interesting, yet totally useless Odd News. And this year, to celebrate the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast, or PAC for short, we'll end each Dog Days episode with part of a classic comedy4cast episode. So, let's get started with "Odd News PAC"!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY: WOLF IN THE WILD

CLINTON

Northern California rancher Mary Rickert has a problem. She's the owner of Prather Ranch, a sustainable and environmentally friendly beef operation. But her cattle herd is shrinking. Not from some strange genetic mutation...

SFX: SCIENCE FICTION SOUND.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Or evil scientist's nefarious shirk ray.

SFX: SCIENCE FICTION DIMINISHING SOUND.

CLINTON (cont'd)

It's because of wolves...

SFX: WOLF HOWL.

Gray wolves to be specific, that are wreaking havoc on Rickert's and other ranchers livestock.

Rickert says that it's as if the wolvers were treating her calves like a drive-through at Burger King. Possibly implying that the wolvers have learned how to operate motor vehicles.

CLINTON'S voice is now processed as if it were coming through a drive-thru restaurant's speaker.

CLINTON (OVER SPEAKER)

"Please pull your pack forward to the next window."

Voice effect ends.

CLINTON

It's difficult to deal with the gray wolves because they are endangered, meaning it's illegal to harm them. I'm not even sure you can take away their drivers licenses.

But don't worry. The US Department of Agriculture has come up with a plan. And it involves drones.

SFX: DRONE SPINS UP.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Hey, at least it's not AI.

SFX: DRONE TAKES OFF.

CLINTON (cont'd)

But these are no ordinary drones. These are...wolf-annyoing drones that are outfitted with special equipment, starting with sophisticated thermal cameras...

SFX: TECH SOUND TO INDICATE THERMAL CAMERA.

CLINTON (cont'd)

...that can spot the wolves lurking in the darkness. Even if they have their cell phones turned off.

Once they're spotted, the drone's powerful spotlight kicks on,

SFX: GIANT SWITCH THROWN.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Fun fact: wolves are notoriously afraid of spotlights. It's why you don't see them on Broadway. Wall Street maybe, but never on the Great White Way!

And even if the spotlight doesn't drive the wolves back into the woods, not to be confused with the Stephen Sondheim musical "Into The Woods," which, obviously, no REAL wolf has never starred in because of the whole spotlight thing.

But even if the lights don't work, The drone has one more trick up its wing -- a loudspeaker. The auditory salvo begins with the sounds of fireworks...

SFX: FIREWORKS.

And gunshots.

SFX: GUNSHOTS.

CLINTON (cont'd)

If that's still not enough? It's on to Stage 2, which includes blasting out teeth-rattlers like AD/DC's 1990 rock anthem "Thunderstruck."

SFX: GENERIC ROCK MUSIC.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Which we obviously don't have the budget to license.

SFX: MUSIC BUILD-UP.

CLINTON (cont'd)

(dramatically)

And if the wolves are STILL hanging around, the drone proceeds to stage 3. The non-nuclear nuclear option. The ultimate weapon. The big one.

SFX: BUILD-UP CRESENDOS.

CLINTON (cont'd)

(matter-of-fact delivery)

The audio from Scarlett Johansson's and Adam Driver's epic yelling match in the 2019 film "Marriage Story." Which, again, we don't have clearance to play.

But it's true. In one case these drones were deployed to an area in Oregon where ELEVEN cows had been killed by wolves in a 20-day period. After 85 days of the drones’ booming recordings only TWO cows were killed.

But, this strategy does have a downside, Not a single gray wolf bought a ticket to see "Jurassic World: Rebirth" this Summer. They want nothing to do with Johansson.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

CLIP: JAKE TALKS ABOUT ZOMBIES

CLINTON

And now, let's celebrate 20 years of comedy4cast with this classic clip!

This clip is from the April 18, 2009 episode. In it, I have asked Jake Filbuster to tone down his act and deliver a simple commentary.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

MUSIC: EDITORIAL THEME IN AND UNDER FOR...

ANNOUNCER

And now, That's My View with Jake Filbuster!

MUSIC: UP AND OUT.

JAKE

Who is that person?

So, it would appear that my editorial this time is a request from Scott Viers about zombies in today's society.

Oh, I know what you're thinking. This is going to be some hyperbole-filled piece about how we need to panic when it comes to zombies. Or it's going to be another sympathy ploy. Oh, we need to save the Texas prairie zombie. Not on your life!

I think zombies are, for the lack of a better term, a dying breed. They're just all wrong for today's fast-paced society. Let's face it. They're slower than my grandmother's rascal scooter. In reverse. Uphill.

I mean, have you ever tried to let one of them cross the street in front of you? Ugh, it's take one step, stop, pick up arm, take one step, stop, put shoulder back in socket.

The only thing worse is seeing them at the annual Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain. They may as well wear yellow shirts that say Speed Bump on them.

Speaking of which, zombies also lack the fashion sense to make it today. Sure, Zombie Murrah's flannel shirt overalls and clogs may have looked great in 1998, but wearing the same outfit every single day for over a decade, no matter how torn, dirty, and stinky it is, isn't winning you any points with the living. It will just allow you to go undetected at most sci-fi conventions.

Now, lest you think I'm completely anti-zombie, let me tell you that I tried to hire a zombie once. Things were going relatively well until we got to those last few checkboxes. U.S. citizen.

ZOMBIE

(seeming to answer)

Grrrr.

JAKE

Check. Male or female.

ZOMBIE

(indecisive)

Raarrrrr.

JAKE

Best guess then!

ZOMBIE

(guessing)

Grr.

JAKE

Check. Dead or alive?

ZOMBIE

(angry)

Urrrrr.

I'm sorry, there's no checkbox for "Undead". Either you're dead or you're alive.

ZOMBIE (cont'd)

(still agitated)

Grr.

JAKE

Look, do you want this job or not? Pick a side and run with it.

In the end, I hired an ogre.

So I say the days or nights of the living dead are numbered. That's my view. I'm Jake Filbuster.

SFX: BUZZ OF INTERCOM ACTIVATING.

JAKE (cont'd)

There. How was that?

CLINTON'S voice is now processed as if it were coming through a drive-thru restaurant's speaker.

CLINTON (OVER SPEAKER)

That wasn't what I needed at all.

JAKE

(sarcastic)

Oh. Sorry.

CLINTON (OVER SPEAKER)

Hey, but I have good news for you. Giles called from the front desk. Apparently a bunch of your fans are down in the lobby waiting for you.

JAKE

Ah, they must want my autograph.

CLINTON (OVER SPEAKER)

No. They said something about BRAINS.

Voice effect ends.

JAKE

That can't be good. Lucky I have plenty to spare. Now, where is that ogre of mine?

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That about wraps it up for today's Odd News PAC. But first, a shout-out to the comedy4cast Patreon patrons, including our producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast and Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20 Megabyte Doctor Who podcast. You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com.

Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

-- THE END --