834-Aug07

comedy4cast #834

Odd News PAC for August 7, 2025

"Relative, Please"

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON

RAY

JOHN............................CLINTON ALVORD

THE QUEEN..........................BONNIE KENDERDINE

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

MUSIC: OPENING THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

It's time, once again, for the Dog Days of Podcasting, a call for podcasters to try to put out a podcast every day in August. For more information and to hear all the shows, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.

We always take this MONTH to provide you with some interesting, yet totally useless Odd News. And this year, to celebrate the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast, or PAC for short, we'll end each Dog Days episode with part of a classic c4c episode. So, let's get started with "Odd News PAC"!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY: THAT'S ONE OKAY GRANDMA!

CLINTON

Were you ever at a big family celebration, like a wedding, and couldn't quite figure out who that one relative was? So you try to casually ask your second cousin Gene, only to find out their name is actually Greg. And why haven't you accepted their Facebook friend request. And you say "I haven't been on Facebook in a while" and they say "I sent it four years ago."

Where was I? Oh. right. That relative at the wedding reception that you couldn't identify. Well, if you live in Japan, there might be a perfectly logical explanation for that. Nope. it's not a wedding crasher. It's a rented grandma!

That's right. A rented...

Hold on just a second. Let me take care of something real quick.

SFX: PHONE BEEP.

CLINTON (cont'd)

"Friend request...Rejected."

SFX: PHONE BEEP.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Yes. A rented Grandma. You see, Client Services, the Japanese company with the LEAST creative name since Tokyo Tower, offers you the chance to rent a Grandma for as little as 33-hundred yen, or around $22 dollars US, per hour.

Now you might think this is all a bit strange. But Client Services has literally built a business around this kind of thing. You can go to them to rent someone to attend an event in your place, or to apologize on your behalf. You can even hire someone to quit your job for you. And I can see that last one going horribly wrong when Ted, your practical joker office cube mate hires one for a laugh and the next thing you know you're out of a job. Then Ted mysteriously disappears.

But back to OK Grandma. That's the official name of Client Service's signature senior citizen service, where you can rent a female senior between the ages of 60 and 94. It's actually one of Client Service's most popular offerings. Right after "Brainstorming company names."

But why would anyone want to do this? Rent a grandma. For some people, they want to have a conversation with someone who's more experienced about a problem they're having, and has the ability to see more of life's big picture and put it all in perspective. Some really miss the smell of an authentic home-cooked meal. Or they may want to have someone with beautiful handwriting write a note that they can send to that special someone.

You know, this is making me realize why there's no OK Grandpa service. You want to talk about a problem you're having. "Suck it up!" Home-cooked meal? "Sure. Just yell when it's ready. I'm gonna go hang out on your couch and watch the ball game." A handwritten note? "Jeez. Did you skip school again?!"

Although there is one situation where having the choice to rent a grandma or a grandpa would definitely come in handy. There was one customer who said she wanted to break up with her boyfriend, but said she couldn't tell him clearly.

In that case, a grandma would be able to handle the task with compassion and kindness, explaining to the boyfriend how there are many fish in the sea. On the other hand, grandpa would just blurt out "You're history, kid. Walk it off!"

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

CLIP: THE SANDWICH THIEF

CLINTON

And now, let's celebrate 20 years of comedy4cast with this classic clip!

This clip is from the skit in the August 28th, 2008 episode of comedy4cast. As we jump in, someone has already stolen Ray's sandwich from the office refrigerator.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

RAY

Boy, oh boy, oh boy, I can't wait to bite into my delicious bologna and pickle sandwich.

SFX: RUSTLE OF PAPER BAG.

RAY (cont'd)

I gotta tell you, I've been waiting all morning for the...Hey! My sandwich is gone!

JOHN

Maybe you forgot it at home.

RAY

Oh, no, I didn't. I distinctly remember bringing it in. I remember thinking to myself this morning, what will go better with bologna than pickles? Of course, the answer was guacamole, but I was all out of that. So I whipped it up, threw it in this bag, and I brought it in.

JOHN

Maybe it's in there.

RAY

What?

JOHN

Maybe it didn't look in the whole bag.

RAY

John, this is a paper bag, not Buckingham Palace.

SFX: TAPS ON BAG.

RAY (cont'd)

There are no secret passageways in here. The sandwich is gone, which means...Someone took it.

JOHN

Wait a minute.

RAY

Yeah?

JOUN

There's a secret passage at Buckingham Palace?!

RAY

John, focus. Focus, John. What are we going to do about this?

JOHN

Well, first I think we should let the Queen know.

RAY

Forget about the secret passageways. I'm mad. Angry, I tell you. In fact, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach this sandwich thief a lesson.

JOHN

I don't know. Seems like they're already pretty good at stealing sandwiches.

RAY

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. No. I have a plan.

JOHN

What is it?

RAY

Shh. It would be safer if you didn't know about it. Top secret, you know. And, uh, the walls have ears.

JOHN

Oh, wow. First there are secret passageways in Buckingham Palace, and now the walls have ears? Suddenly, my perception of the universe is being thrown completely off balance.

RAY

Never mind that. Just meet me here at the fridge tomorrow at noon.

MUSIC: TRANSITION STING.

RAY (cont'd)

Okay, now we're going to get to the bottom of this Johnny me boy. Let's see if the thief took the bait.

SFX: RUSTLE OF PAPER BAG.

RAY (cont'd)

It's gone. Yes, perfect. Now it's going to be easy to find that thief because I put a mousetrap in today's cabbage and jelly sandwich. One bite of that sandwich and snap.

JOHN

(mumbling)

That's a clever plan.

RAY

You betcha. In fact, I... Uh, what did you say?

JOHN

(mumbling)

I said it's a clever plan.

RAY

Johnny, how could you do this to me?

JOHN

(mumbling)

Do what?

RAY

You ate the sandwich. The mousetrap got you on the tongue.

JOHN

(mumbling)

Nuh-uh.

RAY

Uh-huh. Listen to you.

JOHN

(mumbling)

I went to the dentist this morning.

RAY

What?

JOHN

(mumbling, but trying to enunciate clearly)

I went to the dentist this morning.

RAY

You went to the dentist this morning?

JOHN

Uh-huh. Besides, I hate cabbage.

RAY

Well, then who...

SFX: CREAKING OF WOODEN DOOR AS IT OPENS.

MUSIC: "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYS.

RAY (cont'd)

Where did that door come from?

THE QUEEN

(mumbling)

We were not amused by your mousetrap sandwich. It bruised our royal tongue. Kindly refrain from such hijinks in the future. And stop telling people about the secret passageway.

SFX: DOOR SLAMS SHUT.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That about wraps it up for today's Odd News PAC. But first, a shout-out to the comedy4cast Patreon patrons, including our producer-level patron, Paul Barrie, from the A Window to the Magic podcast at windowtothemagic.com. You too can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month. Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on patreon.com.

Talk to you again next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

-- THE END --