829-Aug02

comedy4cast #829

Odd News PAC for August 2, 2025

"Bottle With A Message"

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON

NEWSREEL NARRATOR...............CLINTON ALVORD

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

MUSIC: OPENING THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

It's time, once again, for the Dog Days of Podcasting, a call for podcasters to try to put out a podcast every day in August. For more information and to hear all the shows, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.

Here at the comedy4cast studio we always take this month to provide you with some interesting, yet totally useless Odd News. And this year, to celebrate 20 years of comedy4cast, an event we're calling the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast, or PAC for short, we'll end each Dog Days episode with part of a classic comedy4cast episode. So, let's get started with "Odd News PAC"!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY: MESSAGE IN A GORDON'S BOTTLE

SFX: SOUND OF THE SURF ON THE BEACH IN AND UNDER FOR...

CLINTON

Recently, an archeology technician from Potlotek First Nation, a community of Mi'kmaq Native Americans came across a glass bottle on a beach. The glass was hazy, the result of its outer surface constantly rubbing against sand and rocks. Inside was a message from what appeared to be days of yore.

Pretty intriguing.

SFX: SURF SOUND FADES OUT.

CLINTON (cont'd)

The discovery was announced by the Sable Island National Park Reserve. Sable Island is a small island off the waters of Nova Scotia.

Officials said the message was very faded.

Uh oh. Had time taken its toll on this missive from the past, leaving us to forever wonder what the author was trying to communicate?

SFX: CROWD SAYS "AWWW."

CLINTON (cont'd)

Fortunately, no.

SFX: CROWD SAYS "YAY!"

CLINTON (cont'd)

The researchers were eventually able to make out, among other things, the date on the note, telling them when the bottle had been sent out to sea. They were also able to identify the ancient currency also included in the bottle.

Here are the shocking details of this ancient mystery.

The bottle was good old Gordon's London Dry Gin. Not only was the red lettering on the yellow cap still quite visible, so were the raised letters on the bottle itself. As further evidence, when the bottle was opened, Parks Canada representative Jennifer Nicholson said "you could still smell the gin!"

SFX: SOMEONE COUGHING.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Gordon's advertising, get on this in your next promotional display.

Now, about the currency; it was unfamiliar to some of the researchers, but not all. Why? It was a Canadian two-dollar bill from 1974, which featured a portrait of young Queen Elizabeth. The Bank of Canada replaced the two-dollar bill with the toonie, or two-dollar COIN, in 1996. The younger researchers had simply never seen a two-dollar bill because it had been discontinued the same year people were dancing to "Macarena."

Feeling old?

The message had been dropped into the ocean on January 14, 1983. Or, to put it another way, at the same time "Maneater" by Hall and Oats was topping the charts.

Oh. And the faded nature of the note? That was mostly due to the ink be affected by gin still remaining in the bottle.

The dated note also included the names of some of the crew members of the ship the bottle had been tossed from. And, after some research, the ship itself was identified as the "Wimpey Sea Hunter."

SFX: FOG HORN.

CLINTON (cont'd)

That's not a commentary on the quality of the boat or its crew. That was literally the name of the ship, "Wimpey Sea Hunter."

It was a British resupply ship, built in 1982. It didn't suffer any disasterous fate during its time in service.

This was no note from castaways or sailors adrift in a lifeboat. It appears to have simply been a note scribbled after the bottle was mostly empty and tossed off the Wimpey...Sea Hunter.

SFX: FOG HORN.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Officials haven't been able to track down any of the crew members listed on the note, who may now be in their 60's or 70's, but say they'd love to hear from them.

Are you sure? Because I think those sailors might say "Right. You got our note, you knew the name of our ship, you were supposed to use the money to buy us another bottle of gin."

SFX: SOMEONE COUGHING.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

CLIP: EPISODE

CLINTON

And now, let's celebrate 20 years of comedy4cast with this classic clip!

This clip is from the episode released on October 17, 2005. Here, I'm trying to emulate the style of a 1950's newsreel narrator describing a look at the world of tomorrow -- the way 1950's sensibilities would have imagined it. As we join the episode, we're already seen how "mother" spends her day interacting with time-saving devices. Pretty much all centered around housework. Hmmm. Maybe "Father" and the kids will fair better. Let's find out.

NEWSREEL NARRATOR

Talk about convenience.

Meanwhile, in another part of the secret laboratory at 436 River Road, scientists are researching ways to make Father's workday easier, starting from the moment he steps into the family car in the morning. His flying car, that is.

When this humble reporter asked our slide-rule-wielding friends how it works, they mumbled something about the drag coefficient and lift. But when I asked them to simplify the technical mumbo-jumbo, they said it worked via the miracle of flight-o-matic atomic dust. Now that's a name with Zing!

Look how Father's car can glide through the air with the greatest of ease thanks to the miracle of fllight-o-matic atomic dust and land on a dime right outside the office. Nice job, Father! Oh, and look! Here comes Father's office buddy, Ted. Ted chose to get to work on board the new flying Bus-O-Rama. That's all the rage. In the future...

No time to chat, you two. It's off to work. Yes, even in the future, people need to be productive members of society. But, thanks to advances in vacuum tube design, the workday will soon be a mere four hours long. That means less time to talk about the big game around the water cooler, but father is thrilled because it means more time for golf, tinkering with the family flying car, and meeting the boys for a few drinks down at the new revolving Bowl-a-drome.

Even little Sally and young Bobby will benefit from the top secret work being conducted by the scientists pictured here. Gone will be the hours of tedious reading and memorizing we've all come to endure. Using sophisticated x-ray machines like this one, which is no bigger than the average living room, teachers will be able to take entire books, multiplication tables, and even world maps, and permanently emboss them directly on the brains of our young geniuses. Now little Sally and young Bobby will always know that there are 48 states, and they can instantly recite to you the amazing uses of asbestos. Talk about a smart idea!

But all this talk of work and school might have you wondering if there's any time for fun in the future. You bet there is. And how? Here we see Mother, Father, Little Sally, and Young Bobby entering the new Cinema-a-Rama Dome. Yes, even your local motion picture theater will be better than ever in the future. That's because each seat will be fitted with one of these, its own hot butter dispenser.

Oops. Looks like Little Bobby needs a few extra napkins.

Now, sit back and enjoy the double feature. Oh, wait. This is the future. Enjoy your triple feature, Mr. and Mrs. Moviegoing Public.

As we can see, thanks to the hard work of Dr. Alan Malansky, Dr. Wayne Dansk, and all the other scientists at this secret laboratory, which can be reached by calling Klondike 5-3127, the future looks bright indeed.

This is Lloyd Williams reporting.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That wraps it up for today's Odd News PAC. A huge thanks to the comedy4cast patrons for helping make this show possible. If you want to join them in supporting what we do, please visit Patreon.com/comedy4cast (all one word, with the number 4)

Talk to you next time! But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

-- THE END --