Script-826

comedy4cast #826

HaartteStoppers: Death Became Her

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON

DETECTIVE HAARTTE

CHAD PILCHARDS

SGT. WILKINS......................CLINTON ALVORD

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

Oh, hi! Clinton here. Welcome to my show! comedy4cast. Episode 826 to be exact. Brought to you by Zack, Charlotte, Amy and my other amazing Patreon patrons. Thank you.

To become a patron yourself and help me do what I do here, go to patreon.com/comedy4cast (that's all one word, with the number 4). And here's a secret. You'll even get episodes before everyone else! Shhh.

But right now, it's time for another one of Detective Haartte's HaartteStopper.

Enjoy the show and learn a lot! I'll be back a bit later.

MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME UP AND OUT.

SCENE 1: EXT. THE STREET - NIGHT

MUSIC: "HAARTTE'S THEME" IN AND UNDER.

HAARTTE (VO)

Oh, it's you -- back for more detective training. Well, you'd better let your brain know it's about to get a pretty intense workout. To get my noggin' in top shape, I like to start off each day with a little brain teaser like "Where did I put my keys?" "Did I pay the electric bill?" and "Why did I buy so many fedoras and trench coats?" I mean, sure, I look great in them, but they take up a lot of room in my closet.

SFX: DISTANT SOUND OF A FOG HORN.

HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)

But there's no time for mental gymnastics now. . We need to get to today's case from the files of me, Detective Haartte. This is one I like to call "Death Became Her".

MUSIC: "HAARTTESTOPPERS" THEME IN AND UNDER.

SCENE 2: EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY (FLASHBACK)

HAARTTE (VO)

It all began when I was on my way to dinner at a new place in town, called "Zero Above." It's a fancy place. A bit too bit fancy for my taste. It's the kind of place where all the chairs match. And when they bring the bill to the table, the pen they give you isn't one of those free ones from a bank. Fancy indeed.

I was going to catch up on what had been happening with Sheena Perryman, the young woman who used to live across the hall from my office/apartment/don't tell anyone I'm also using my office as my apartment before it went condo. She had the good sense to move out of the building when the place went condo. Did I mention it went condo? Because I'm not bitter at all about it.

SFX: DISTANT SOUND OF FOG HORN.

HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)

But I digress. I was running a little late, so I decided to take a shortcut through some side streets. Rookie mistake.

Because as I was passing by a rather modest two-story ranch house, I heard a shot ring out.

SFX: GUN SHOT.

HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)

Followed moments later by a man rushing out the front door of the house.

CHAD (OC)

Aaah!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS HEARD RUNNING TOWARDS HAARTTE.

HAARTTE (VO)

I was a bit...suspicious. Because -- fun fact -- murderer's often flee the scene of the crime. But it turned out this was one Chad Pilchards and it was his house.

CHAD

Help! Help! My wife's be shot! You!

HAARTTE

Me? I have an alibi. I was just doing a voice over.

CHAD

No. I need you to call the police!

HAARTTE

Oh. Sorry. Not happening.

CHAD

(flabergasted)

What!?

HAARTTE

I don't carry a phone. I don't go in for all that high tech wizardry.

CHAD

Oh. I see. Well...

HAARTTE

(plowing ahead)

I say give me one of those old fashioned rotary phone any day.

CHAD

(in a hurry)

Yes. I see.

HAARTTE

Something I can slam down on the thing you rest the receiver on. What's that thing called?

CHAD

I don't know. I...

HAARTTE

(still going)

It's a hook! No. That can't be right.

CHAD

Aaagh!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS RAPIDLY HEADED AWAY AS CHAD HEADS FOR THE HOUSE.

HAARTTE

(loud, to be heard by CHAD)

Hey! Where're you going?

CHAD

(yelling from a distance)

To find my phone.

HAARTTE

(loud, to be heard by CHAD)

Hang on. Maybe I can help. I'm a detective.

HAARTTE (cont'd)

(talking as he walks)

The name's Haartte. Detective Haartte. Two A's. Two T's. Spell it right...

HAARTTE (VO)

I was wasting my breath. Chad was already in the house. And I had no choice -- I had to go after him. I needed to use his phone to contact Ms. Perryman to tell her I was going to be late.

MUSIC: SHORT TRANSITION STING.

SCENE 3: INT. PILCHARDS LIVING ROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK)

HAARTTE (VO)

The house was furnished in what you might call "mid century antique". Meaning, this stuff was about fifty years out of style by the time the 1940's rolled around. It was a grim reminder of the fickle fashion sense of the public.

SFX: SOUND OF DRAWERS BEING RIFLED THROUGH.

CHAD

(in the background)

Where is it? Where is it?

HAARTTE (VO)

While Chad was racing around looking for his phone, I couldn't help noticing the body face down on the floor. My gut told me it was Chad's wife. You develop a sixth sense about this kind of thing.

Crouching down next to the body, I could see the blood-stained hole in the back of her blouse.

CHAD

Found it!

HAARTTE

Great.

HAARTTE (VO)

So much for my finders fee.

THE FOLLOWING ACTION PLAYS OUT IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE HAARTTE CONTINUES HIS NARRATION.

SFX: MUTED SOUND OF A PHONE DIALING 9-1-1.

CHAD

Yes. My wife's been shot by a robber. I think she's dead.

(pause)

73 Maple Spruce Drive.

(pause)

That's right.

(pause)

Uh, yes. A "Detective Haartte" is here, too.

(pause)

Oh. Yes. I understand. Thank you.

THIS IS THE END OF THE BACKGROUND ACTION.

HAARTTE (VO)

[While Chad was talking to the police,] I when on with my investigation. I knew that if I could solve this case, the news would be the front page headline of every newspaper in town. Okay. Middling Fair only has one newspaper, but the point is still valid.

I reached down toward the body.

CHAD

(just finishing his phone all)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? Uh. I mean, please don't do that, Detective Haartte. The police said we shouldn't touch the body. Well, you, specifically. They said YOU shouldn't touch the body.

HAARTTE

Mess up just ONE of their million dollar sting operation and the cops never let you forget it.

CHAD

Besides. I...I don't think I could bare to see Tilly's face.

HAARTTE

All right. All right. Maybe I can find clues someplace else in the house. Mind if I look around?

CHAD

No. Go right ahead.

SCENE 4: PILCHARDS KITCHEN - DAY (FLASHBACK)

HAARTTE (VO)

I walked through a passageway into the next room, which just happened to be the kitchen. And then it hit me. I was getting hungry.

HAARTTE

Hey, Chad. Could I bother you for a snack?

CHAD

What?

HAARTTE

I'm feeling a bit peckish.

CHAD

Oh, of course.

SFX: REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPENS.

HAARTTE (VO)

Chad opened up the ice box..."Ice box"? What am I, a hundred? He opened up the refrigerator. The usual suspects inside -- milk, fruit, a take-out container from "Zero Above" and lots and lots of bottle of boysenberry flavored water.

CHAD

Would you like cup of yogurt?

HAARTTE (VO)

And yogurt. I forgot to mention the yogurt.

HAARTTE

As long as it isn't too much past it's expiration date.

HAARTTE (VO)

Take it from me, six months is way too long.

CHAD

I'm not sure. What about some flavored water instead? We have plenty of it. My wife loves...I mean loved boysenberry.

HAARTTE

Got tired of it, huh?

SFX: REFRIGERATOR DOOR CLOSES.

CHAD

What?

HAARTTE

By the way, I think I've found out how the murderer got into your house. Your back door is open.

CHAD

Of course. Oh, Tilly. She never locks...I mean never DID lock it.

HAARTE

Another habit she got tired of?

CHAD

No no. She trained our dog, Mr. CarpetScooper, to push on the handle to let himself out.

HAARTTE (VO)

Sure, it sounds like a tall tale, but right then Mr. CarpetScooter came walking in the door...

SFX: DOG PAWS WALKING ON TILES.

HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)

Got up on his hind legs and shoved the door closed.

SFX: DOOR SLAMS SHUT.

SFX: DOG BARKS.

CHAD

Don't be too impressed. We still can't get him to mow the lawn.

HAARTTE

I see. He sure seems thirsty, Chad.

CHAD

What makes you say that?

HAARTTE

He's lapping up all that pink water right by you shoes. Even though his doggie dish of water is right over there.

CHAD

Oh. Boysenberry. I think Tilly got him addicted to it. Stop that, Mr. CarpetScooter!

SFX: DOG BARKS.

HAARTTE

Don't be too hard on him. That dog just helped me just solve this case.

HAARTTE (VO)

But, did YOU figure it out? All the clues are there. You just have to put all the pieces together. But don't spend too much time working on just the border because I'm giving you seven seconds to solve the crime.

SFX: CLOCK TICKS SEVEN TIMES.

SFX: POLICE SIREN WAIL.

SCENE 5: INT. PILCHARDS LIVING ROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK)

HAARTTE (VO)

Time's up! Now, let's see who did it. Oh, by the way, by this point in the story, the police had arrived. I was butting heads with my old nemesis, Sgt. Wilkins.

SGT. WILKINS

We can take it from here, Haartte. This one is obviously an open and shut case.

HAARTTE

You don't have to tell me. Clearly Tilly Pilchards was murdered by...the dog.

SGT. WILKINS

You know, Haartte, I'd ask what color the sky was in your world, but it's obviously always foggy there.

HAARTTE

It's obvious. Once a dog is smart enough to open and close doors by itself, it's only a short walkies to rebelling against it's human overlords.

SFX: DOG BARKS.

SGT. WILKINS

(trying to shut him up)

Haartte...

HAARTTE

You don't fool me, Mr. CarpetScooter. Check your records, Wilkins. His first name is probably Caesar. And he's planning on making this a Planet of the Pooches. Well I happen to like my Statue of Liberty where it is -- unburied and on an island that belongs to New York but is surrounded by water that belongs to New Jersey. It's complicated and confusing. But that's what freedom is all about.

SGT. WILKINS

(tired of HAARTTE's rant)

Haartte...

HAARTTE

Now, put the cuffs on him, Wilkins. That is, if you were smart enough to bring cuffs small enough for those cute little doggie paws.

SGT. WILKINS

Haartte, I keep telling you. You need to go the the grocery store to get the kind of gummies you want. Tilly Pilchards was murdered by her husband.

HAARTTE

Don't be ridiculous, Wilkins. Where's your proof? Did you find the gun? Were his prints on it? Or were they teeny tiny doggie prints?

SGT. WILKINS

There wasn't any gun. Because nobody shot Tilly PilchardS. There wasn't even an exit wound in the body.

HAARTTE

Maybe the bullet was having a bad day.

SGT. WILKINS

Ms. Pilchards was killed by a knife made out of frozen liquid. There were drips of boysenberry-flavored water all around the wound. We found the mold for the knife in the trash. And Mr. Pilchards was dripping boysenberry water out of his clothes. He was probably going to throw the weapon away outside, but panicked and put it in his pocket when you showed up.

HAARTTE

Fiddle-dee-dee and fal-der-ah. How do you explain the gunshot I heard?

SGT. WILKINS

Chad Pilchards played that sound on his stereo system.

HAARTTE

You're grasping at straws, Wilkins. How did you arrive at that wild conclusion?

SGT. WILKINS

Do you see the display on the receiver? Do you see what it says? "Track 1: Gunshot." This whole murder to collect insurance money was so poorly thought out, only an idiot would have fallen for it. You know. The kind of person who'd ruin a year-long, million dollar sting operation. All right boys, take him away.

MUSIC: SHORT TRANSITION STING.

SCENE 6: EXT. THE STREET - NIGHT

MUSIC: "HAARTTESTOPPERS" THEME IN AND UNDER.

HAARTTE (VO)

What about you? Did you get the right answer? Or did you go along with that lame ice knife theory?

Oh. And one more thing. I never got word to Sheena Perryman that I was going to be late to dinner. Very late. And she was a little miffed about it. So, to make up for it, I brought her a present.

SFX: DOG BARKS.

HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)

When the doggie revolution happens. I need as many people - and K9's -- on my side as possible.

But you. You should worry about more important things. Like coming back next time for another case from the files of Detective Haartte. Two A's.

SFX: DOG BARKS TWICE.

HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)

Two T's.

SFX: DOG BARKS TWICE.

HAARTTE

Spell it right. Say it right.

SFX: DOG BARKS.

HAARTTE (VO)

Good dog.

MUSIC: "HAARTTESTOPPERS" THEME UP AND OUT.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: END THEME IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

I certainly hope that leveled up your detective skills. But, if not, Detective Haartte wanted me to tell you something: no refunds.

Speaking of "No," No A.I. was used in the creation of this episode. Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that.

In our next episode, Danny Hillcrest wants to get you ready for Summer. At least when it comes to movies. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.

MUSIC: UP AND PLAYS THROUGH TO END.

--- the end ---