comedy4cast #778

BIG SHOT

Chapter 10: Cap Checks Out

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER..................COMPUTER

CLINTON.......................CLINTON ALVORD

DANNY HILLCREST

CAP

GILES

OWNER

DANNY GROUPIE 3

NARRATOR......................GARY J. CHAMBERS

DELIVERY PERSON 1.............STEVE NG

DELIVERY PERSON 2.............KREG STEPPE

HOTEL PATRON 1................K. H. BROWER

HOTEL PATRON 2................CAMERON McGRATH

ABBY FALMACHER................BONNIE KENDERDINE

DANNY GROUPIE 1...............K. H. BROWER

STRANGER......................GRANT JOHNSON

MAÎTRE D'

PUBLIC ACCESS REP..........NATHAN ALVORD

DANNY GROUPIE 2...............CHUCK TOMASI

BEDPAN BOB...................GRANT BACIOCCO

INTRO 10-1: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: CHIRP AS ID BACKGROUND ENDS.

MUSIC: "SHELTER FROM THE STORM" INSTRUMENTAL IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

This is the 2023 comedy4cast Podcast Spectacular, brought to you by the fantastic Patreon patrons. Thank you!

Why not join Kyle, Kalynn, Krazy Joe Adventures, and the other amazing individuals who support the show for as little as a dollar a month.

This year's original 20-chapter story is called "Big Shot". To hear it from the beginning, got to comedy4cast.com/2023. And remember, comedy4cast is all one word, with the number 4. Now, here's Chapter 10: Cap Checks Out.

MUSIC: "SHELTER FROM THE STORM" UP AND PLAYS TO END.

MUSIC: "BIG SHOT" THEME (SHORT VERSION) IN AND PLAYS TO END.

NARRATOR

Previously in our story, the mysterious stranger who has come to Middling Fair in search of Danny Hillcrest -- for unknown reasons -- was listening to Cap recount a recent incident involving Danny. It seems that Abby Falmacher, owner of the Venus Arms Hotel and Towers, and the Little Wicker Basket Company -- "Little Wicker Baskets: They're everywhere" -- had leased an arcade game machine for the lobby of the hotel, hoping it would attract customers.

RECAP FLASHBACK BEGINS HERE...

SFX: RECAP FLASHBACK AUDIO SHOULD BE PROCESSED TO INDICATE IT IS NOT AN EVENT OCCURRING IN REAL TIME.

DANNY

I love it! It's called "Clinical Commotion".

DELIVERY PERSON 1

Here. This one's on me.

SFX: COIN DROPPED IN SLOT.

SFX: VIDEO GAME SOUNDS PLAY THROUGHOUT THIS SEGMENT, INCLUDING MUSIC, "ACTIONS" AND SHORT BURSTS OF LOW-BIT RATE DIALOGUE FROM BEDPAN BOB.

DELIVERY PERSON 1 (cont'd)

You play "Bedpan Bob." This guy here. The one on the gurney.

BEDPAN BOB

Where's my bed pan?

DELIVERY PERSON 1

You have to maneuver Bob around obstacles and get him to his next surgery.

DELIVERY PERSON 2

And press the buttons to make him do things like sign medical wavers, show his insurance card and repeat his medical history.

BEDPAN BOB

Time for meds!

DELIVERY PERSON 1

Now, you give it a try.

...RECAP FLASHBACK ENDS HERE.

NARRATOR

And try Danny did. In fact, he has been playing on that same free game for almost a day now. A fact that does not sit well with Cap and Giles, since they are both stationed very close to the machine.

SCENE 10-2: INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY (FLASHBACK)

NARRATOR

As this chapter begins, Miss Falmacher is upset by Danny's non-stop gameplay. However, a hotel guest is about to change her mind.

HOTEL PATRON 1

(very encouraging tone)

Keep going! I texted all my friends telling them that if they stop in Middling Fair, they should come and see you!

HOTEL PATRON 2

(also upbeat)

Me, too! It was so much fun watching you play.

DANNY

I love it!

ABBY

(to herself)

Hmmm. Maybe I love it, too.

(to DANNY)

You keep right on playing, Danny. Forget the haters.

CAP (VO)

And boy, did he play, and play, and...

(catching his breath)

play. Pretty soon he had a bunch of groupies hanging around. Bunch of weirdos. Called themselves Danny's Groupies. They weren't really that clever. They'd come in and watch him play and ask him things about movies and TV shows while he kept playing that damned game!

DANNY GROUPIE 1

Hey, Danny! Danny! Tell us about "Inception"?

DANNY

Inception. Oh that's the turducken of movies, where you buy a ticket to watch characters sleep!

SFX: SMALL CROWD OF PEOPLE LAUGHING.

STRANGER (VO)

But how did Danny eat? Or sleep? Or take bathroom breaks?

CAP (VO)

You really should relax, you know. It's just a flashback. Geesh.

BEDPAN BOB

I'm going Code Blue!

CAP (VO)

People were bringing him food. And that guy from Caprica Coffee was always "accidentally" dropping by with free mugs of Joe.

OWNER

(mock surprise)

Oh! I didn't know there'd be a whole crowd here. But look. I happen to have an extra coffee with me. Here, Danny! You can have it. It's our new Caprica Coffee Dark and Stormy Super Strong Midnight Murder Black Eye Blend. It's illegal in 20 states. Have one over at Caprica Coffee's Coffee Shop, Coffee Bar and CoffeeXPress before it's banned here, too!

CAP (VO)

And when it came to bathroom breaks -- Well, something played every time you outsmarted the hospital boss. You got a cartoon where Bob ate some soup, or watched soaps on his hospital room TV or you found out why they called him "Bedpan Bob."

BED PAN BOB

Where's my bedpan?

STRANGER (VO)

That's more than I needed to know.

CAP (VO)

Listen, if I had to suffer, why not you? Anyway, a few more days went by and Danny was still playing. Seems he was about to beat a high score or something. Only thing was, now Miss Falmacher had had enough.

ABBY

Everyone is traipsing into my hotel and no one is renting a room! They're not even eating in the restaurant.

DANNY GROUPIE 3

We tried, but it's too dark in there.

MAÎTRE D'

(Yelling from across the lobby.)

It's called "atmosphere," you idiot plouc!

CAP

And I'm not getting my 20 hours of sleep.

GILES

I vote we just pull the plug on the game.

CAP

Don't say "pull the plug" to an old person!

BEDPAN BOB

Paging Dr. Fine. Paging Dr. Fine.

ABBY

Besides, Danny's so popular, if I make him leave, it could reflect badly on the hotel.

(With devilish glee.)

But I have something else in mind.

The PUBLIC ACCESS REP seems to be a typical AV nerd. You can practically see the tape on his glasses. But it is just a facade; a stereotype they use to their advantage. No one expects them to have business savvy.

PUBLIC ACCESS REP

Miss Fat-monger?

ABBY

Falmacher!

PUBLIC ACCESS REP

I'm here from the Middling Fair public access channel.

ABBY

Shhh! Not here. In my office.

BEDPAN BOB

Cut through the cafeteria!

MUSIC: TRANSITION STING.

SCENE 10-3: INT. ABBY'S OFFICE - DAY (FLASHBACK)

SFX: THE VIDEO GAME MUSIC IS MUFFLED, BUT STILL PRESENT.

SFX: TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS CROSS TO SEATS.

PUBLIC ACCESS REP

As I explained on the phone, Miss
Fail-matcher --

ABBY

Falmacher!

PUBLIC ACCESS REP

On behalf of the Middling Fair Access channel, we'd love to give Mr. Hillcrest a show. A lot of our viewers are video game fans.

(here it comes, laying it on thick)

But we have a very small studio. There's no way we can fit Danny, that game and his fans in there. Besides, we only have one wall outlet. If we plug in the game, we'd have to unplug the cameras. If only there was some way to fix that.

ABBY

(knowing where this is headed)

I see. And exactly how much of a "donation" will it take to correct these problems?

PUBLIC ACCESS REP

As luck would have it, I stopped by the offices of local architect Malcolm Buttress this morning.

ABBY

How fortuitous.

PUBLIC ACCESS REP

He said a well-appointed annex can be built in six months for just one-hundred thousand dollars.

BEDPAN BOB (OS)

Get me to the O.R.!

ABBY

(cutting to the chase)

Make it six days and you have yourself a deal.

PUBLIC ACCESS REP

Well, I suppose we could forgo some of the standard items, like the action figure display cases.

ABBY

Quit your blabbing. Let's sign some papers and get on with this!

PUBLIC ACCESS REP

Here. You can use this Public Access pen. My compliments.

MUSIC: TRANSITION STING.

SCENE 10-4: INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY (FLASHBACK)

SFX: GAME MUSIC AND EFFECTS CONTINUE.

BEDPAN BOB

Turn left at the Plastic Surgery Ward.

DANNY GROUPIE 2

Hey, Danny. What do you think of "The Shape of Water"?

DANNY

I think it's a cube. At least it is in the hotel ice cold machine.

SFX: LAUGHTER.

BEDPAN BOB

Quick! CAT scan!

ABBY

(above the din of the room)

Danny!

BEDPAN BOB

Uh oh!

ABBY

Danny Hillcrest.

BEDPAN BOB

Lady with a walker!

ABBY

I have some great news for you!

CAP

(to himself)

I hope it involves him being tossed into a salad!

GILES

What?

CAP

I meant "Volcano." I hope he's volcanoed into a salad!

ABBY

I just arranged for you to have a --

DELIVERY PERSON 1

(interrupting)

Coming through. Excuse us. Which one of you is Abby Falmacher?

ABBY

I am. But if you'll wait one minute, I just have something important to announce.

DELIVERY PERSON 1

Don't mind us. Oh, but here.

ABBY

More paper? What's this?

DELIVERY PERSON 2

Return receipt. We're taking that game out of here.

ILES

Hurray! Uh, I mean, "Why?"

DELIVERY PERSON 1

Recalled. Turns out "Clinical Commotion" was a knock off of some other game called "Surgery Slalom."

DANNY

But I'm about to get the you're an all-time high best score!

DELIVERY PERSON 1

Big deal. All you have to do to make that happen is go to the left of this row of wheel chairs.

SFX: GURNEY COMES TO A SCREACHING HAULT.

BEDPAN BOB

I'm cured! I'm cured!

MUSIC: CELEBRATION THEME.

BEDPAN BOB (cont'd)

Oh, look. It's the bill.

BEDPAN BOB makes a fainting sound.

SFX: DOWNWARD SET OF NOTES TO INDICATE BEDPAN BOB HAS FAINTED.

DANNY

Noooooo!

DELIVERY PERSON 1

Okay, Kirby, let's get this thing out of here.

SFX: GAME UNPLUGGED FROM WALL.

BEDPAN BOB

I'm going Code Blue!

SFX: A DIFFERENT DOWNWARD SET OF NOTES TO INDICATE THE MACHINE IS BEING TURNED OFF.

SFX: MACHINE PLACED ON DOLLY AND WHEELED AWAY.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS AS DANNY RUNS AFTER MACHINE.

DANNY

(running after the machine)

Bedpan Bob! Don't go! Don't go!

SFX: AUTOMATIC SLIDING DOORS OPEN, THE DELIVERY PEOPLE, THE GAME AND DANNY EXIT THE HOTEL, AND THE DOORS CLOSE.

PUBLIC ACCESS REP

(after a beat)

That was unexpected. Well, off to the architect. We'll name the annex after you, Miss Fang-maker.

ABBY

Fuss-muster! I mean Falmacher!

MUSIC: ASCENDING HARP GLISSANDO.

...IN-STORY FLASHBACK ENDS HERE.

SCENE 10-5: INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY

CAP

And that's my story. Believe it or nuts!

STRANGER

Not much there to go on, Cap.

CAP

About what?

STRANGER

Never mind. Thanks. Here's a tip.

SFX: MONEY COMES OUT OF WALLET.

CAP

Wow! Twenty bucks. Uh, you do realize this isn't my room, don't ya?

STRANGER

Yes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get to bed. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

CAP

Sure. No skin off my tags.

SFX: DOOR OPENS.

CAP (cont'd)

In case you need anything tonight -- just wait until morning, all right? I need my beauty rest.

STRANGER

Okay, Cap.

SFX: DOOR SLAMS.

SCENE 10-6: INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHT

CAP

Twenty bucks! I wonder what that is in dollars?

SFX: PHONE RINGTONE HEARD THROUGH CLOSED DOOR.

CAP (cont'd)

What's that?

SFX: STRANGER'S VOICE IS MUFFLED AS CAP LISTENS OUTSIDE THE DOOR.

STRANGER (O.S.)

Hello. Mr. Rawlston?

CAP

Oh. It's just a phone.

NARRATOR

With a sigh of relief, Cap rests against the hotel room door.

CAP

For a second I thought my pacemaker was trying to bebop again. No more trips to funky town for you, please!

STRANGER (O.S.)

No. I haven't found him yet. It's like I told --

(pause)

Yeah. He's in hiding or something.

CAP

Huh?

STRANGER (O.S.)

(laughs at something the caller has said, then checks himself)

Oh. You're serious. Don't worry. When I find him, I'll give it to him, all right.

CAP

Huh?

STRANGER (O.S.)

Witnesses? Sure. I'll take care of that, too. Just leave it to me.

CAP

Dang it! I knew someone who tipped me had to be up to no good! Danny's in trouble. I'd better go tell Giles. But, uh, first, this carpet looks nice and soft. I think I'll just lie down for a minute.

(CAP grunts and groans as he makes his way to the floor)

Then I can...go...down to the...

CAP begins snoring.

OUTRO 10-7: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

NARRATOR

No! Cap! This is no time for a nap!

CAP continues snoring.

NARRATOR (cont'd)

Will Cap's 40 winks mean lights out for Danny? For answers, be sure to come back for Chapter 11: Open And Shut Case.

MUSIC: TRANSITION STING.

MUSIC: END CREDITS VERSION OF "BIG SHOT" THEME IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

Like the show? Well then, subscribe so you never miss an episode. It's easy. comedy4cast is listed on sites like Spotify, Stitcher and TuneIn. Just remember that comedy4cast is all one word, with the number 4.

In this episode, as the Stranger, Grant Johnson (voicegranted.com); as Delivery Person 1, Steve Ng, (steveng5), that's steve-n-g-and the number 5, .com; as Delivery Person 2, Kreg Steppe, from the Technorama Podcast (chuckchat.com/technorama) and The Topic is Trek podcast, (thetopicistrek.com); as Abby Falmacher, Bonnie Kenderdine; as Bedpan Bob, Grant Baciocco from the Saturday Morning Media family of podcasts (saturdaymorningmedia.com); as Hotel Patron 1 and Danny Groupie 1, K. H. Brower, author of the solarpunk series The Bosque Family Adventures (www.KHBrower.com:; as Hotel Patron 2, Cameron McGrath. as Danny Groupie 2, Chuck Tomasi, also from the Technorama podcast and The Topic is Trek podcast; as the Maître d' and Public Access Rep, Nathan Alvord.

And the Narrator was played by Gary J. Chambers, (garyjchambersvo.com).

Additional voices, as well as story and music by Clinton Alvord. Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.

See you in the next one. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.