comedy4cast #775

BIG SHOT

Chapter 7: Undeniable Truth

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER..................COMPUTER

CLINTON

DANNY HILLCREST

DICK BANDO.................CLINTON ALVORD

NARRATOR......................GARY J. CHAMBERS

STRANGER......................GRANT JOHNSON

CINDY.........................BONNIE KENDERDINE

INTRO 7-1: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: CHIRP AS ID BACKGROUND ENDS.

MUSIC: "SHELTER FROM THE STORM" INSTRUMENTAL IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

This is the 2023 comedy4cast Podcast Spectacular, brought to you by the fantastic Patreon patrons. Thank you.

Why not join Stan, Zack, Charlotte, and the other amazing individuals who support the show for as little as a dollar a month.

This year's original 20-chapter story is called "Big Shot". To hear it from the beginning, got to comedy4cast.com/2023. And remember, comedy4cast is all one word, with the number 4. Now, here's Chapter 7: Undeniable Truth.

MUSIC: "SHELTER FROM THE STORM" UP AND PLAYS TO END.

MUSIC: "BIG SHOT" THEME (SHORT VERSION) IN AND PLAYS TO END.

NARRATOR

Previously in our story, the mysterious stranger who is looking for Danny Hillcrest made his way to Cindy's office in The Tunnels. At one point passing through the mile-wide rotunda at the center of the underground complex, which now serves as her Cine-Round-a-Dome drive-in theater. The stranger persuaded Cindy to explain why she fired Danny from his job as the drive-in's advertising manager. She recounted how Danny would make posts about the art house-style movies without ever having seen the film.

RECAP FLASHBACK BEGINS HERE...

SFX: RECAP FLASHBACK AUDIO SHOULD BE PROCESSED TO INDICATE IT IS NOT AN EVENT OCCURRING IN REAL TIME.

SFX: TEXT TYPING IS HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.

DANNY

"Blade Runner": It's the hair-raising story of the marathon runner who invented the triple-edge razor.

...RECAP FLASHBACK ENDS HERE.

NARRATOR

Surprisingly, Cindy did not fire Danny because of the posts. Instead, as this chapter begins, she has hired the drive-in's unnamed benefactor to serve as Danny's mentor. Who is this altruistic patron of the arts?

SCENE 7-2: INT. DICK BANDO'S MANSION - DAY (FLASHBACK)

IN-STORY FLASHBACK BEGINS HERE...

SFX: IN-STORY FLASHBACK AUDIO SHOULD BE PROCESSED AS NORMAL AUDIO, WHILE CHARACTER NAMES WITH A "(VO)" EXTENSION SHOULD HAVE THEIR DIALOGUE PROCESSED TO INDICATE THEY ARE OUTSIDE OF THE ACTION TAKING PLACE

DICK BANDO

Have no fear. Dick Bando is here! To teach you all about marketing.

DANNY

Wow! Are you any good at it?

DICK BANDO

Your are sitting in Dick Bando's palatial mansion. What do you think?

DANNY

Mostly about life's big questions. Like, if I took a wetsuit to a dry cleaner, would it disappear?

SFX: WHOOSH TO INDICATE THE PASSAGE OF SOME PERIOD OF TIME.

DICK BANDO

Perhaps you've heard of a little thing called the rubber band? Dick Bando holds over 4 million patents on that indispensable product. And why are rubber bands indispensable?

DANNY

Because they're usefully handy for keeping all the ice cubes together in a drink.

DICK BANDO

No! It's because of marketing! And the key to understanding marketing is to know your audience.

DANNY

Oh. Can you make me a duplicate clone copy of that key? I need to do a better job getting the right people to the cine-round-a-dome.

DICK BANDO

Then pay attention. Dick Bando employs a special time-saving technique called "The Reverse Dick Bando."

DANNY

Uh. I'm a bit uncomfortable with that phrase.

DICK BANDO

It means Dick Bando asks Dick Bando what Dick Bando wants. It turns out, Dick Bando wants to make money. Lots of money. If Dick Bando turns that idea around, the logical flip side is that everyone else wants to give Dick Bando their money. It's that simple. Speaking of simple, now, you try.

DANNY

Let's see. Danny Hillcrest loves to talk about the movies we show. So, everyone loves Danny Hillcrest!

DICK BANDO

Dick Bando says...No! Try again.

DANNY

(thinking very hard)

Okay. Wow. Umm...Everyone...who loves movies wants to see the movies we show because they are movies!

DICK BANDO

And that means the niche audience you need to reach is everyone who loves movies.

DANNY

But Cindy wants to showingly project art house movies. Whatever that means.

DICK BANDO

Dick Bando sees. Normally Dick Bando would not recommend altering the Reverse Dick Bando. Dick Bando did so by mistake once. It resulted in an unfortunate case of "empathy." Dick Bando was not happy about that. However, in this case, you simply need to increase the market you must reach to include every single person who loves movies and/or art.

DANNY

How many folksy people is that?

BANDO

An intriguing question. Dick Bando will ask Dick Bando's AI assistant.

(yelling)

Dick Bando!

SFX: ELECTRONIC CHIRP AS UNIT ACTIVATES.

BANDO (cont'd)

How many people are there on Earth who enjoy movies and/or art.

DICK BANDO A.I.

Dick Bando is one of a kind.

SFX: ELECTRONIC CHIRP AS UNIT SHUTS OFF.

BANDO

So true. So tru. Thank you, Dick Bando. Now, what were you saying?

SFX: WHOOSH TO INDICATE THE PASSAGE OF SOME PERIOD OF TIME.

DANNY

I have to attractingly get the attention of a lot of folks! I love it! How do I do it? I have no idea how to do it!

DICK BANDO

Ah. Dick Bando sees you want to know Dick Bando's advanced marketing tips. There will be a slight charge for that.

DANNY

Oh. How much?

DICK BANDO

How much wonders, how much do you have?

DANNY

Twenty dollars.

DICK BANDO

Dick Bando doubts that that is even a real number. But, very well. Please give Dick Bando your "twenty dollars".

DANNY

I love it. Here! All in shiny new pennies.

SFX: SOUND OF HUNDREDS OF PENNIES FALLING TO THE FLOOR.

DICK BANDO

Dick Bando does not "do" pennies. This one is on the house.

DANNY

And all over the floor, too!

SFX: WHOOSH TO INDICATE THE PASSAGE OF SOME PERIOD OF TIME.

DICK BANDO

Once you understand your customer, you need to create SMART goals.

DANNY

Ooooh. Are they smart like Chatty G. P. Teatime A.I. chat 4? Or your Dick Bando AI?

SFX: ELECTRONIC CHIRP AS UNIT ACTIVATES.

DICK BANDO A.I.

Dick Bando is a paragon of virtue!

SFX: ELECTRONIC CHIRP AS UNIT POWERS DOWN.

DICK BANDO

So true, Dick Bando. So true. SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-Based.

DANNY

Isn't that Smart-buh?

DICK BANDO

Please, stop interrupting Dick Bando while Dick Bando is attempting to fleece you. First, make your goal specific.

DANNY

I want everyone to come to the Cine-Round-a-Dome!

DICK BANDO

Is that goal measurable?

DANNY

It sure is! It's around a mile wide.

DICK BANDO

Dick Bando wonders, when you graduated, did they tear the school down? Or did it disintegrate on its own? How will you achieve this goal?

DANNY

(not at all sure)

By starting a Facebook group on Bluesky?

DICK BANDO

Dick Bando will toss out one idea. Much like you tossed these (finds it hard to say the word) pen-nies. If you offer something no one else has, yet everyone wants, you will be number one!

DANNY

I love it! I think.

DICK BANDO

Now, is that goal realistic?

DANNY

I have no idea!

DICK BANDO

And that is where the Time-Based dimension comes into play. You must be able to achieve your goal in a realistic period of time. In your case, you want to do two simple things: reach out to every single person who loves movies and/or art and to completely outwit every business you could see as a competitor. Dick Bando could accomplish that in a week. Nearly everyone else would need two. And someone in this room...

SFX: ELECTRONIC CHIRP AS UNIT ACTIVATES.

DICK BANDO A.I.

Dick Bando is a genius.

SFX: ELECTRONIC CHIRP AS UNIT POWERS DOWN.

DICK BANDO

Thank you, Dick Bando, but Dick Bando was not referring to you.

DANNY

Wow! I feel knowledgeably empowered -- but with no idea how to start. It's just like being at a Tony Robbins seminar!

DICK BANDO

The best way to begin...

DANNY

Is to leave this house?

DICK BANDO

Oh, that will happen momentarily, Dick Bando assure you of that. But, what you need to do is to come up with a spectacular offer that no one else can match. For example, In Dick Bando's case, Dick Bando offered to keep letting people use rubber bands forever -- as long as they pay Dick Bando. But that is Dick Bando's shtick. Find your own.

...IN-STORY FLASHBACK ENDS HERE.

MUSIC: ASCENDING HARP GLISSANDO.

SCENE 7-3: INT. LIBRARY - UNDERGROUND/DAY

CINDY

And, like, Danny did. We were showing the movie "Saving Banksy," and Danny put out a social media post that said, like, Banksy was going to be there, "taking a break from his bank teller job". We had artists and art critics from everywhere show up.

STRANGER

What happened?

CINDY

Like, what do you think? Banksy didn't show and everyone started to riot.

SFX: MILD GRUMBLINGS FROM A GROUP OF PEOPLE IS HEARD IN BACKGROUND WHILE CINDY FINISHES HER DESCRIPTION OF THE EVENT.

CINDY (cont'd)

Well, like, the artists sort of rioted a little. And the art critics just sat there and, like, editorialized about it.

STRANGER

And that's when you fired Danny?

CINDY

Like, yeah. I didn't want to. But I had to try to save the Cine-Round-a-Dome.

STRANGER

Okay. Not much to go on. But everything helps.

CINDY

Like, wow. Look at what time it is. It's almost sunset. Like, cool. I can go home now. But you should, like, come back and tell me something weird from your past sometime.

STRANGER

Maybe. But, one more thing. Danny scribbled something on a place mat -- "A RAM SANG." I'm taking a stab in the dark here, but does that mean anything to you?

CINDY

Like, no. But neither does, like, a volume control on a loudspeaker. Like, what's the point?

STRANGER

I guess I'm headed back to the hotel to see if Danny's there now. So far that's been a dead end, but I'm giving it my best shot. Goodnight.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS WALKING ON GRAVEL FADE AWAY.

CINDY

(pondering)

Like, there's something creepy about the way that guy, like, talks.

OUTRO 7-4: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

NARRATOR

Creepy, indeed. Is the mysterious stranger any closer to finding Danny? What will happen when he does? And how can you have 4 million patents on rubber bands? For more answers, and probably more questions, too, be sure to come back for Chapter 8: Breaking the Dress Code.

MUSIC: TRANSITION STING.

MUSIC: END CREDITS VERSION OF "BIG SHOT" THEME IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

Are you liking the show? Well, to help support it, for as little as a dollar a month, go to patreon.com/comedy4cast -- all one word, with the number 4. As a way of saying "Thanks" for becoming a patron, you'll get episodes before everyone else, plus behind-the-scenes notes and exclusive content.

In this episode, as the stranger,Grant Johnson, VoiceGranted.com; as Cindy, Bonnie Kenderdine; and the Narrator was played by Gary J. Chambers, GaryJChambersVO.com.

Additional voices, as well as story and music by Clinton Alvord. Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.

See you in the next one. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.