The comedy4cast Network. Let's dog ear that for now.
Oh hi, Clinton here. Welcome to the Dog Days of Pumpkin Spice Season.
Yes, August got away from me because life. So this is my unofficial extension of Dog Days.
For more information on that, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.
I always use Dog Days to give you 31 episodes full of some interesting,
yet totally useless, odd news.
And this year, to celebrate the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast,
or PAC for short, I'll end each Dog Days episode with part of a classic comedy4cast
episode. So, let's get started with...
Odd News PAC!
Dogs. They have their own parks, their own paddle, their own days,
even their own muh. And they have something else.
Brains. But how much does a dog know?
That's the exact question Dr. Stanley Coren, PhD and leading canine researcher, set out to answer.
Oh, and Dr. Coren is not a canine, he just does research with dogs.
And that doesn't mean the dogs are holding clipboards and taking notes,
they're just, oh, nevermind, I'm making it worse.
Speaking at the American Psychological Association's annual convention,
Dr. Coren gave a talk on the topic of how dogs think.
Coren shared how dogs have similar mental abilities to human children aged between
two and two and a half years old.
Pointed out that they are much better at fetching things. The average child
needs lots of coaxing to go and bring something back, whereas the dogs are totally up for it 24/7.
Anyway, I think that's what he was getting at. Halfway through his talk,
he dashed off to chase a squirrel he saw outside the window.
His study of 208 dogs shows they can learn 165 words, including signals.
And the super dogs, those in the top 20% of dog intelligence, can learn 250 words.
Four studies he examined looked at how dogs solve spatial problems by modeling
human or other dogs' behavior when confronted with a barrier-type problem.
And I think that means that dogs can figure out ways to get you past that guy
at the door outside the hot new nightclub in town.
Dr. Coren also states that dogs can count up to four or five and have a basic
understanding of arithmetic and will notice errors in simple computations,
such as one plus one equals one or one plus one equals three.
Meaning if you show a dog one piece of cheese and you hide it and then show
it to him again saying, look, more cheese. You're not fooling anyone.
All that is great news. But referring back to those papers, Dr.
Coren says that particular breeds appear to be more intelligent than others.
Oh, possibly thanks to their natural temperament and willingness to learn and obey.
Let's see. He says that Border Collies are number one, Poodles are second,
followed by, in order, German Shepherds, Golden Retrievers, Dobermans.
Shetland Sheepdogs, and Labrador Retrievers.
Way to hog the spotlight, Retrievers. Now, if your dog isn't on that list,
I wouldn't be overly concerned. I hear the person who compiled the list is out
there somewhere chasing cars.
OMG, he really is a canine researcher.
And now, let's celebrate 20 years of comedy4cast with this classic clip.
In this clip from 2015, Dr.
Malcolm Edelstein makes his
triumphant return to comedy4cast after an absence of only 10 years.
That's when he predicted the next big thing would be wireless pants.
Let's check in on the good doctor.
But I understand that now you've gotten out of doing predictions and you're
actually involved with startup companies.
That's right. I'm putting my knowledge to work by making the future happen.
All right. Well, we're going to talk about a few of the things that people you're
involved with have come up with recently.
That would be great. But can you turn up the heat in here? I'm a little cold without my pants.
I'll see what we can do. But let's get to your first item. All right.
First, I'm bringing an age-old technology into the 20th century.
The 21st century. Hey, let's not get ahead of ourselves, all right?
Now, first, there was the common pen,
Then came the inevitable pencil. Then the erasable pen.
Now a company I'm working with has invented the next logical step.
The permanent pencil. The what?
Shocking, I know. But this beauty can make a mark that will never come off.
Here, let me draw something on your shirt. No, hey, whoa.
All right, all right, all right. I'll draw on this piece of glass.
No, that's my tablet. it. You should learn to take better care of it.
Look, there's marks all over it. You just put those there.
Yes, and they will not come off, because this is a permanent pencil.
Well, who would want this? Oh, I don't know. Maybe some fancy schmancy art students
with their clever sketches, and they're showing off their talent,
always laughing at me for my stick figure drawings.
Yeah? Well, who's laughing now that you can't erase the basic shapes from your
still-life drawing, huh? Who looks like the fool now?
Maybe it's best if we move on, Dr. Edelstein. So, can I put you down for a dozen? No. Half a dozen?
I don't think so. How about just one? I'll throw in a pencil sharpener shaped
like Zach Galifianakis.
No. All right, suit yourself. What's next? I'm super stoked about this one.
Please, I know you have a fedora on, but don't try to be hip. Sorry.
What I have here is a common nail file. We've all seen them.
We've all annoyed others by using them at the dinner table.
But they're just for nails, which is kind of limiting.
So a company I'm working with has made one that's much, much larger. And here it is.
Wow, that thing is huge. What is it for? This is the world's first hair file.
Just a few strokes back and forth on your head will save you an entire trip
to the barber or hairstylist of your choice.
Uh, does it work? Are you kidding? Check out my head.
Yeah, I know. Stunning, isn't it? Um, should it be oozing like that?
I don't think so. But I thought you said you were super stoked about this.
Hey, I was part of the failed Kickstarter on this thing.
I've got 50 of them at home. I see.
But one can be yours, and I'll throw in that Zach Galifianakis pencil sharpener.
No, let's move on to your last invention. All right, my loss.
Now, this one is extremely timely.
I'm sure you've heard the recent news that Kraft is changing the formula for
its macaroni and cheese.
Yes, I have. They're taking some of the artificial ingredients out.
Precisely. Or should I say, ex-maxly?
No, you really shouldn't. Fair enough.
Well, in the spirit of updating the tried and true, today I'm announcing the
new and improved grapefruit.
The whoosie what now? The new and improved grapefruit. That's what I thought you said. That's right.
It's 35% more grape, 80% less fruit. No, there isn't any grape.
But wait, did you just say 80% less fruit?
No need to thank me. No thanks intended.
You're welcome. Well, I'd like to thank you for stopping in today, Dr. Edelstein.
I'd like to, but I don't think I'm going to. I get that a lot these days.
Yes, but I certainly look forward to having you back again, say, in 2025.
Maybe by that time, no one will be wearing pants. We can only hope,
I guess. Thank you again.
So, uh, I'm going to head over to Supercuts to see if they can do something about this.
Do you think they have an urgent care unit over there? I'm getting a little dizzy.
That about wraps it up for today's Odd News Pack.
But first, a shout out to the comedy4cast Patreon patrons,
including our producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie from the A Window to the Magic
podcast, and Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20-megabyte Doctor Who podcast.
You too can support comedy4cast
and get episodes before everyone else for as little as $2 a month.
Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on Patreon.com.
Script, voices, and original music by me, Clinton Alvord. Copyright 2025.
All rights reserved. Talk to you again next time. But for now,
that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye-bye.