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Music.

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Oh, hi. Clinton here. Welcome to my show, comedy4cast, episode 826,

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if you're keeping track.

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Brought to you by Zach, Charlotte, Amy, and my other amazing Patreon patrons.

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Thank you. To become a patron yourself and helping me do what I do here,

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go to patreon.com slash comedy4cast.

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That's all one word with the number four. And here's the secret.

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You'll even get episodes before everyone else. Shh.

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But right now, it's time for another one of Detective Haartte's HeartStoppers.

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Enjoy the show and learn a lot. I'll be back a bit later.

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Oh, it's you. Back for more detective training, I see.

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Well, you'd better let your brain know it's about to get a pretty intense workout.

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To get my noggin in top shape, I like to start off each day with a little brain

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teaser, like... Where did I put my keys?

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Did I pay the electric bill? And why did I buy so many fedoras and trench coats?

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I mean, sure, I look great in them, but they take up a lot of room in my closet.

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But there's no time for mental gymnastics now. We need to get to today's case

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from the files of me, Detective Haartte.

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Two A's, two T's. Spell it right.

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Say it right. This is one I like to call Death Became Her.

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It all began when I was on my way to dinner at a new place in town called Zero Above.

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It's a fancy place. A bit too fancy for my taste.

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It's the kind of place where all the chairs match. And when they bring the bill

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to the table, the pen they give you isn't one of those free ones from the bank.

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Fancy indeed. I was going to catch up with what had been happening with Sheena

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Perryman, the young woman who used to live across the hall from my office-slash-apartment-slash-don't-tell-anyone-I'm-using-my-office-as-my-apartment

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before it went condo.

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She had the good sense to move out of the building when the place went condo.

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Did I mention the place went condo?

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Because I'm not bitter at all about it.

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But I digress. I was running a little late, so I decided to take a shortcut

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through some side streets.

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Rookie mistake. Because as I was passing by a rather modest two-story ranch

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house, I heard a shot ring out.

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It was followed moments later by a man rushing out the front door of the house.

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I was a bit suspicious.

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Because, fun fact, murderers often flee the scene of the crime.

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But it turned out this was Chad Pilchard's, and it was his house.

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Help! Help! My wife's been shot! You! You! Me? I have an alibi.

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I was just doing a voiceover. No! I need you to call the police!

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Oh, sorry. Not happening.

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What? I don't carry a phone. I don't go in for all that high-tech wizardry.

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Oh, I see. Well, I would just... I say give me one of those old-fashioned rotary

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phones. Yes, I understand.

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Something I can slam down on the thing you rest the receiver on.

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What's that thing called? I don't know. I want... It's a hook. No, that can't be right.

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Hey, where are you going? To find my phone.

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Hang on, maybe I can help. I'm a detective.

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The name's Haartte. Detective Haartte. Two A's, two... I was wasting my breath.

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Chad had already gone into the house, and I had no choice. I had to go in after him.

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I needed to use his phone to contact Miss Perryman to tell her I was going to be late.

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The house was furnished in what you might call mid-century antique,

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meaning this stuff was about 50 years out of style by the time the 1940s rolled around.

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It was a grim reminder of the fickled fashion sense of the public. Where is it?

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Where is it? While Chad was racing around looking for his phone,

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I couldn't help noticing the body face down on the floor.

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My gut told me it was Chad's wife.

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You develop a sixth sense about this kind of thing. Crouching down next to the

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body, I could see the blood-stained hole in the back of her blouse.

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Ah! I found it! Great! So much for my finders fee

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Hello? Yes, my wife's been shot by a robber I went on with my investigation.

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I knew that if I could solve this case, the story would be the front page headline

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of every newspaper in town.

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Okay, Middling Fair only has one newspaper, but the point is still valid.

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Yes, I understand. I reached down towards the body.

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What are you doing? I mean, please, don't do that, Detective Haartte.

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The police said we shouldn't touch the body.

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Well, you specifically. They said you shouldn't touch the body.

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Mess up just one of their million-dollar sting operations, and the cops never let you forget it.

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Besides, I don't think I could bear to see Tilly's face.

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All right, all right. Maybe I can find clues someplace else in the house. Mind if I look around?

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No, go right ahead. I walked through a passageway into the next room,

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which just happened to be the kitchen.

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And then it hit me. I was getting hungry.

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Hey, Chad, could I bother you for a snack?

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What? I'm feeling a bit peckish. Oh, of course.

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Chad opened up the icebox. Icebox? What am I, a hundred? He opened up the refrigerator.

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The usual suspects inside. Milk, fruit, a takeout container from zero above,

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and lots and lots of bottles of boysenberry-flavored water.

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Would you like a cup of yogurt? And yogurt.

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I forgot to mention the yogurt. As long as it isn't too much past its expiration date. Take it from me.

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Six months is way too long.

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I'm not sure. How about some flavored water instead? We have plenty of it.

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My wife loves, I mean, loved Boysenberry.

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Got tired of it, huh? What? By the way, I think I found out how the murderer got into your house.

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Your back door is open. Oh, of course.

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Oh, Tilly, she never locks. I mean, never did lock it. Another habit she got tired of?

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No, no. She trained our dog. Mr.

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Carpet Scooter, to push on the handle to let himself out. Sure,

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I know it sounds like a tall tale, but right then, Mr.

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Carpet Scooter came walking in the door, got up on his hind legs,

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and shoved the door closed.

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But don't be too impressed by it. We still can't get him to mow the lawn.

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Well, he sure seems thirsty, Chad.

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What makes you say that? Look at him. He's lapping up all that pink water right

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by your shoes, even though his doggy dish of water is right over there.

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Oh, it's Boysenberry. I think Tilly got him addicted to it.

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Stop that, Mr. Carpet Scooter. Don't be too hard on him. That dog just helped me solve this case.

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Did you figure it out? All the clues are there. You just have to put all the pieces together.

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And don't spend too much time working on just the border because I'm giving

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you seven seconds to solve this crime.

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Time's up. Let's see how you did. Oh, by the way, by this point in the story, the police had arrived.

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I was butting heads with my old nemesis, Sergeant Wilkins.

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We can take it from here, Hart. This is obviously an open and shut case.

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You don't have to tell me.

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Clearly, Tilly Pilchards was murdered by the dog.

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You know, Hart, I'd ask you what color the sky is in your world,

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but it's obviously always foggy.

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Come on, once a dog is smart enough to open and close doors by itself,

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it's only a short walkies to rebelling against its human overlords.

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Haartte. You don't fool me, Mr. Carpet Scooter. Check your records, Wilkins.

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His first name is probably Caesar, and he's planning on making this a planet of pooches.

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Well, I happen to like my Statue of Liberty where it is, unburied and on an

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island that belongs to New York, but is surrounded by water that belongs to New Jersey.

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It's complicated and confusing, But that's what freedom is all about.

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Haartte. Now put the cuffs on him, Wilkins.

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That is, if you were smart enough to bring cuffs small enough for those cute little doggy paws.

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Haartte, I keep telling you, you have to go to the grocery store to get the kind of gummies you want.

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Tilly Pilchards was murdered by her husband. Don't be ridiculous,

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Wilkins. Where's your proof? Did you find the gun?

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Were his prints on it? Or were they teeny tiny doggy prints?

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There wasn't any gun because nobody shot Tilly Pilchards. There wasn't even

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an exit wound in the body.

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Maybe the bullet was having a bad day.

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Pilchards was killed by a knife made out of frozen liquid.

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There were drops of boysenberry-flavored water all around the wound.

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We found the mold for the knife in the trash.

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And Mr. Pilchards was dripping boysenberry water out of his clothes.

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He was probably going to throw the knife away outside, but panicked and put

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it in his pocket when you happened to be there. Fiddle-dee-dee and fall-dee-raw!

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How do you explain the gunshot I heard? Chad Pilchard played that sound on his stereo system.

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You're grasping at straws, Wilkins. How did you arrive at that wild conclusion?

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Do you see the display on the receiver? Do you see what it says?

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Track one, Gunshot. This whole murder to collect insurance money was so poorly

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thought through that only an idiot would have fallen for it.

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You know, the kind of person who would ruin a year-long million-dollar sting operation.

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All right, boys, take him away.

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What about you? Did you get it right? Or did you go along with that lame ice knife story?

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Oh, and one more thing. I never got word to Sheena Perryman that I was going to be late to dinner.

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Very late. And she was a little miffed about it. So, to make up for it, I brought her a present.

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When the doggy revolution happens, I need as many people and canines on my side as possible.

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But you, you should worry about more important things. Like coming back next

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time for another case from the files of Detective Haartte.

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Two A's. Two T's. Spell it right. Say it right.

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Good dog.

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I certainly hope that leveled up your detective skills. But if not,

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Detective Haartte wanted me to tell you something.

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Uh, no refunds. Speaking of no, no AI was used in the creation of this episode.

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Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that.

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Original voices, as well as story and music, by me, Clinton Alvord.

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Copyright 2025 All rights reserved In our next episode Danny Hillcrest wants

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to get you Ready for summer At least when it comes to movies. But for now,

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that's it We're done, done, done, done, done Bye-bye.