The comedy4cast Network. Let's dog-ear this for now. Oh, hi! You're here! Let's get started.
This is comedy4cast Episode 765.
Haarttestoppers, the gem joint job.
Brought to you by the amazing comedy4cast Patreon patrons. Thank you.
Music.
Oh, it's you. You still want to be a detective, do you? Well, before you go slapping that title onto your business card and order way too many, you need to know how to solve a crime.
Lucky for you, I'm on my way to solve one right now.
Who am I? The name's Haartte, Detective Haartte. Two A's, two T's, spell it right.
Say it right. Here, have a business card. I have plenty.
If you live here in Middling Fair, you probably already know that I've become kind of a big deal in this town on account of me solving the case of the waffle batter sphere.
Look around. Everyone is talking about me. Mommy, Mommy, why is that strange man talking to himself? Never mind, dear. Let's keep walking.
I'd be happy to tell you all about it. But you can also listen to how it all went down by going back to comedy4cast, episode 733. Hey, buddy! Out of the road!
Sorry, no autographs today. How about a punch in the junk?
Where was I? Oh yeah.
I'm on my way to the Middling Fair jewelry store and Potluck Supper Betting Parlor.
Bonus tip, always put your money on pasta salad. It just so happens that Wilbur Dunn, the owner, was my first client when I set up my practice here in Middling Fair.
Dunn says there's been a crime committed, so naturally he thought of me.
Wait, that makes it sound like he thought of me because I committed the crime, which I didn't. I have an airtight alibi.
I was with myself the entire time.
Ah, here we are.
I walked into the store to find Dunn behind a glass display case at the far end of the store. The case was full of nicks and one or two nacks.
There were also two customers seated in front of the case. Oh, Detective Haartte, thank goodness. Please come over here to the counter!
I crossed the room and wedged myself between the two customers. Sorry folks, you'll have to take a number. Hey! It looks like I have an express lane pass.
Part of the perks of being a big deal.
Haartte! I've been robbed! We've been over this before, Wilbert. You can't expect to win best jewelry store in town every year.
Get a grip! No, not that.
Although I am suspicious, I am the only jewelry store in town. One of my jewels is missing.
It's probably just cold in here. Turn up the thermostat. I was showing Miss Swanson the seven Salvatore Simon Spectacular Shooting Star Sapphires. But now there are only six.
I see. So two are missing. One! Which is it, Dunn? One or two? Your story is starting to fall apart. Is this going to take long? I have to get back to work.
And who is this? Mr. Swanson? No! This is Mr. Lawrence Lambert.
And why do you just happen to be here? I was looking for a lavender locket for my lovely wife, Luanne Louise Lindsay Lois Lambert, LLC.
Mr. Lambert was examining that tray of lockets while I assisted Ms. Swanson.
Ms. Sophie Swanson, founder and star of Middling Fair's Extra Light Opera Company, the 2% theater? That's me, dearie. I'll bet you're excited to meet me.
Again, no autographs. No problem. Haartte, focus.
While I was showing Ms. Swanson the gems, my assistant, Miss Lewandowski, asked me a question. And when I looked back down, the gem was gone. What's the big deal?
You still have five. Six. Six spectacular Salvatore Simon shooting star sapphires to sell to Sophie Swanson.
I wouldn't be cut dead simply securing six Salvatore Simon shooting star sapphires.
Haartte, I can't have this kind of thing going on in my store. I think you're right. This alliteration is out of control. Ha! Detective Haartte will solve this mystery.
Do you know I gave him his first case when he came to Middlingfair? I'm thrilled! Sorry, No.
No!
I don't want your autograph!
I took a moment to observe the suspects. Lambert was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts, and Pueblo moccasins.
Come on, pick a location and stick with it.
Does he know I can hear him? And Swanson had on a... What is that called? A French terry jacket and pants set.
No, I think it's mustard.
There on your cheek. What? What? Haartte?
The case? Oh that, already solved. Compared to the case of the waffle batter sphere, which I recently solved, this case was child's play.
Hey kids, stay in school. Then please tell me who took my sapphire. Not just yet. There's the little matter of my fee.
Your fee? Haartte, it's me, Wilbert.
You're right. Sorry. Look, I know your business is going through a rough patch right now.
I hear there was recently a robbery. Yes, thank you. So I'm going to need cash.
Oh, get out! Since you solved that case, and probably not by yourself, you've been insufferable. The police will be here in a minute. They'll get to the bottom of this... for free!
Suit yourself, but remember, every time they've been involved in a case I've solved, they've disagreed with my conclusion. Me, Detective Haartte!
I'll take my chances. Whatever floats your boat, let me just leave a few dozen business cards here on the counter.
Get out! I decided to leave. Out!
That's all for today's lesson. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go down to the- Haartte! Haartte, wait!
Sorry, no autograph. I don't want any- Excuse me, coming through.
Oh, sorry officer. Hart, I was back at the studio listening. You need to finish this episode. This isn't called Partial HaartteStopper. Fine, I'll give you four seconds to figure it out.
Time's up! Did you figure it out?
Ms. Swanson did it. She stole the gem. How do you know that? It was something she said. What was that?
Quote, no problem, unquote. Everyone knows that performers always have problems. They're a deeply troubled bunch.
She was probably down on her luck since her extra light opera production of HMS Pinafore Maybe she should have left in the songs. That's very interesting.
All right, Lambert. Into the squad car. I'm innocent. Wait, that's not Ms. Swanson. Why should we arrest her?
This guy had the store's missing gem shoved into his Irish harp tobacco pipe.
Ha! Can't seem to pick one location and stick with it. I'm also eclectic.
Yeah, yeah. Save it for the judge. Let's go. But Detective Haartte, you said that... Where'd he go?
Oh, hi, Mr. Lambert. How's Laurie? Wow! Is that your new car? Danny, will you get away from there? Hi! Danny Hillcrest here. Yes, I know. Where are you headed? To the postal stamp office.
I need to send out this copy of my head-over-deals-and-love holiday romantic screenplay story script to the Lifetime Cable Network Company.
Oh, so Hallmark passed on it. Yeah, but they told me by sending me a really funnily nice rejection card. Yeah, that makes sense.
I think it was one from the American Greeting Card Company. I'm sure it was.
Say goodbye, Danny. Ooh, where am I going? Will I ever see myself again? I hope I packed enough clothes. Was I going to Coat Chella?
Music.
In this episode, the part of the car driver was played by Krazy Joe Fiore from krazyjoeadventures.com. Additional voices as well as story and music by Clinton Alvord.
Copyright 2022.
All rights reserved.
My goodness, look at the time. Let's wrap this up, shall we?
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Thank you. As always, this is Sir Patrick Stewart and I'm Clinton saying, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.
Music.